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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Tex Book Case

There’s a new assassin in Texas school book depositories. The latest victim? Education. The Texas Board of Education has decided to inject the textbooks for their public schools with things that make hardcore conservatives feel warm and tingly. Thomas Jefferson, for example has been de-emphasized while evidence will be presented on how Joe McCarthy was vindicated. Here is a list of other revisions and additions the Board has ordered for the curriculum.


- MUSLIM U.S. PRESIDENTS WHO WERE BORN IN KENYA
Combines history, religion, geography, diversity, and the the Constitution in one unit!

- HURRICANE KATRINA
Teaches lesser known facts about Hurricane Katrina such as the destruction of Trent Lott's second home and the Tara Oaks Country Club.

- TOURISM IN THE U.S.
Focuses on what countries' people visit the U.S. most frequently, and apply for jobs without proper documentation.

- MARTIN LUTHER KING
Discusses the Nobel Peace Prize committee's choice of a Negro preacher with a criminal record who nearly crippled bus service in a peaceful community and constantly tied up traffic throughout the South.

- WOMEN'S RIGHTS
Outlines the law as it pertains to women as written in Leviticus.

- THE WHISKEY REBELLION
Discusses the resistance of U.S. patriots to George Washington's big government socialistic tax hikes.

- DISCRIMINATION
Emphasizes the post-slavery struggle of white men in America from 1865 through the Civil Rights Setback to the present.

- RELIGIOUS INFLUENCES IN THE U.S.
Points out where the word "God" appears in historical documents, oaths, and on money.

- AMERICA FROM 2001-2009
Reflects on the period when America was most awesome and studies the policies that made it that way.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Barack Obama: Identity Thief

With only five days left to the census deadline the Census Bureau has already begun compiling data on the forms that have been returned. What information does the government now know about its citizens? Oh, ACORN-hating imp muckraker James O'Keefe, where are you when America needs you most? That's right. You are laying low after pleading guilty for entering a U.S. senator's office in order to wiretap her phones. Well, relax friend. AOTL has your back. We've broken into the Census Bureau offices and have liberated the information upon which some people will be moved onto FEMA reservations and given AIDS blankets. Below is the most chilling of that data.


- .03% of people in America live in Rhode Island

- 36% colored in the entire answer block instead of using a check or "x"

- Bunny Holcombe of Annapolis, MD thinks that four of her cats count as "additional people"

- 45% have used their census forms as coasters

- There are currently 68,376 people living in the United States. 99% are Asian, 1% are Other

- 53% of people use black ink

-19,200 trees went into printing the 80 million yet unreturned census forms

- 5% of people returned their forms along with their tax returns

- 14% of people wrote comments on their forms. Of those comments:
- 50% were snide remarks
- 19% were complaints that the print on the census form is too damn small
- 18% asked what all the fuss was about
- 5% were shopping lists
-2% asked when they get their money
- .0000083 was Bunny Holcombe of Annapolis, MD explaining that she is so upset that Puddin' is being such a shit today she is not going to count him as a person
-1% stated "Zeppelin Rule! [sic]"

Scary, huh? Now who's crazy? Certainly not Congresswoman Michelle Bachman who warned us that our government was out to get us. Here is the proof that vindicates her and gives new credibility to her campaign to disobey traffic signals. You are a true patriot Michelle. You too James O'Keefe. May you both continue to create positive connotations for the word "fringe".

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