You Getchaself

Certain people (Sarah Palin) of certain political persuasions (Rand Paul) have a way of accusing the media, political adversaries, or anyone who catches them fucking up (John McCain) of "Gotcha Politics." If as a governor of one of the 50 states, for example, Katie Couric asks you what newspapers you read and you don't read newspapers, but you're too embarrassed to say that, it is not "Gotcha Politics." It is just you being caught fucking up. It is your fault that you can't come up with the name of a couple papers or magazines at the drop of a hat. Hint: Never let Sarah Palin be your partner if a game of Scattergories breaks out.

Nevertheless, I am sure this dude in the video below is accusing his opponents of "Gotcha Politics" after he was caught stealing from Barack Obama's perfunctory "puppy dogs and daisies" speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. I must say, Vaughn has all the razzle dazzle of Pat Boone doing Little Richard tunes.

Why Rand Paul Is Dumber Than He Thinks

Rand Paul got into trouble by stating that he opposes parts of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 which mandates private business owners serve all perspective customers/clients/patients regardless of race. Paul makes it clear that he abhors racism, but finds that freedom is more important than upholding the Ninth Amendment. That’s all well and good if this was just about some segregationist huckster who was just selling overpriced sody-pop out of a cooler in the parking lot at a high school football game. I can get my sody-pop anywhere else.

But this is not about scalped cola. I may be driving through Kentucky with my car running on fumes. I stop at the last gas station for the next 22 miles. The proprietor of the gas station refuses to serve me. Rand Paul just happens to in the gas station campaigning. I recognize him and ask him to intervene, but he ruefully explains to me that while he abhors racism it would be even worse for him to infringe on this businessman’s freedom to discriminate against me. So there I am stuck in the middle of nowhere racist Kentucky (no offense) with nothing but the Hush Puppy Express to get to the next gas station miles away and for Rand Paul that’s preferable than just making the gas jockey sell me his gas.

And that does not even represent the worst possible situation. If in Rand’s world during my Kentucky travels I got sick and the nearest hospital was a racially hostile private hospital they could deny me medical care couldn’t they? It would be no different from the Old South where Blacks were denied access to the point where they could not possibly get a fair shake. One can not compete fairly when the marketplace won’t cater to you based on the color of your skin. I guess Rand Paul would say with all the logic of a college freshman tripping on acid for the first time that it would all even out if everyone discriminated against each other all at the same time. Who knows what brand of Libertarianism Paul adheres to but obviously it does not hold dear the concept of equality.

But wait. It gets even worse! Add to this the Libertarian fantasy of a privatized everything. Libertarians would privatize air if they could. So in Rand Paul’s Libertarian Paradise everything people needed would be sold through private business which has the right to refuse to engage in transactions with people based on the color of their skin. So Joe Klansman (not a Jew) owns the nearest five bridges across the Mississippi (because Libertarians like privatizing bridges) and it would be permissible in a Rand Paul universe to not allow Chinese people to cross them. This scenario would never happen, but the fact that Rand Paul would endorse it according to his political economic inclination is vexing.

People like Paul are stuck on the notion of Freedom without considering any sort of common sense or sense of moderation. There is no fucking such thing as complete freedom. Agreeing to live in a civil society requires giving up some freedoms in the name of order and functionality. People in a civilization can’t just do whatever they want. Yes, we need to support individual freedom WITHIN REASON. If you don’t believe that, try telling your hot, but bitchy co-worker she has a juicy ass in front of witnesses and you will find out your Freedom of Speech is not worth shit. But maybe Rand Paul thinks that bans on sexual harassment are infringements on Freedom too.

And maybe Paul supports the freedom of BP to cut corners by omitting emergency shut-off measures in offshore oil wells or the freedom of all corporations from regulation and law. He might as well. Just let the inmates run the asylum because there is no one in charge in Rand Paul’s world. Maybe that’s why so many people like him are so pro-gun; They are so shifty and anti-social that inevitably they will have to defend themselves with a violent barrage of gunfire.

On one level I agree with Paul. Government should not have to tell people the right thing to do. Where I differ with him is when people refuse to do the right thing and the effects of that negligence begins to have deleterious effects on what our government is supposed to protect – THE PEOPLE! In that case, the government damn well better step in. I have said this before, and I will repeat that the Constitution is not a formulary of possible laws. It DOES provide the framework for the creation of law. If Rand Paul was around during the Washington Administration he and his nutty friends would be complaining about the government overstepping its bounds by establishing U.S. copyright law and naturalization guidelines, neither of which are covered in the Constitution.

It comes down to the interpretation of a more perfect Union. Personally, I think it would be more perfect if people like Rand Paul stepped out of their sheltered little cubbies, and stopped assailing a government that actually does more than (not) collect taxes and raise armies. Hey Rand, cool down, grow up, and drop out.

Republicans Doing This Orwell Thing

There has been yet another misunderstanding recently of the type where a Republican seeking office makes a homicidal quip that gets completely taken out of context. This time it was Republican congressional candidate Brad Goehring (really his name) who posted the following on his Facebook page: “If I could issue hunting permits, I would officially declare today opening day for liberals. The season would extend to November 2 and have no limits on how many taken as we desperately need to ‘thin’ the herd.”

A spokesperson for the campaign pointed out that Goerhing was speaking metaphorically in reference to the electoral process and not about gunning down political opponents. Oooooohhhhhh. Of course. That’s obvious. It’s like when a Republican says:

“Let’s get some guns and kill liberals” They are actually saying: “We need to take care of this out of control deficit”

When a Republican says: “Hell yeah, these are cop killer bullets. You in?” They’re actually saying: “We need to be putting an emphasis on our small businesses”

When a Republican says: “Don’t try to back out now, you pussy. I recorded your ass on the phone. You’re already in too deep, Mike.” They’re actually saying: “The federal government has no right to set education mandates.”

When a Republican says: “Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! I need to figure this out! Okay. We need to go to your Mom’s.” They’re actually saying: “We need to continue offshore drilling to decrease our dependence on foreign oil.”

When a Republican says: “Randy, you gotta let me in. I’ve done something horrible. I think I killed some people. I think I might have killed Mike too.” They’re actually saying: “Wall Street should be controlled by the Free Market and not by Washington.”

When a Republican says: “Stay away from me, Randy! I’m not going to the gas chamber! This is going to make a mess. I’m so sorry.” They’re actually saying: “Health care is not a right”

A normal person may wonder why they don’t just say what they mean instead of couching their message in seeming antisocial and violent language. It’s just the conservative way. They actually don’t understand how other people find their usage suggestive of violence. “How” they ask “can anyone think the words ‘kill people’ actually mean ‘kill people’?” So the next time you hear Sarah Palin say “I want to shoot someone from Americorps in the face” just nod and say “That is right. Something does need to be done about illegal immigration.”

My Advice As An Armchair Layman On This Whole Oil Fiasco

Maybe it was the effects of man’s disregard for the planet that made Neil Armstrong such a space nut from the beginning. Maybe the real secret story about the first moon landing was how Buzz Aldrin had to drag Armstrong back onto the Eagle kicking in screaming for the return flight home. Maybe this oil leak is what has him gently frothing about our need to get back to the moon.

I feel you Neil. It’s not enough that the oil industry so crookedly jacks up the price of petroleum. Now they’re expanding into jacking up the price of seafood. Pretty soon you’ll only be able to get fish sticks in fancy restaurants.

But Neil, this is the perfect reason why we shouldn’t be jetting your old bones up to the moon at this juncture. We should probably use that money to patch this hole in the sea floor that is gushing carcinogenic goo into our precious saltwater first. I think that someone is supposed to be fixing it though I’m not sure if that is happening. May I suggest you cut a deal with Obama; tell him you’ll use your NASA know-how to go down to the rupture and patch her up. In return you get a one way launch to the celestial body of your choice.

I could be underthinking it, but if astronauts can fly around space 360 miles above sea level fixing complicated telescopes, we can train a meranaut to patch a hole one mile below sea level. A couple O-rings and a roll of space tape should do it.

That leaves the problem of the remaining oil slick, but I’ve got an equally simplistic solution that came to me in a moment of inspiration. The other day I wondered of the spill “WWJD” or “what would Jed Clampett do?” I think he’d figure out who that oil belonged to and if no one claimed it he would get a boat and an improvised vacuum cleaner then move to Beverly, Hills that is. I’m no expert in the laws of fluid dynamics but I know from making gravy (yes, from scratch) that oil based things and water based things don’t readily mix. Why isn’t anyone skimming up the oil? Shrimp boat captains? “Deadliest Catch” captains? I think I found you a much less deadly catch. They might have to change the name of your show to something like “Gulf Oil Skimmers” or “Oily Jobs” though. Takers?

Keep Hope Alive?

In 2008 Angry Whites promised, PROMISED that a President Obama would be overly sympathetic to black people in all of his policies and decisions. My hope is fading and I may never trust the judgement of angry white people again.

Just over a year into his administration Obama has just named Elena Kagan his second appointment to the Supreme Court, his first being Sonia Sotomayor. I'm sure they are both very nice ladies, but they do not fulfill the prophecies. I feel took! Led astray! Hoodwinked! Bamboozled! And not necessarily in that order!

Based on the statements that Obama was a black racist I imagined an Obama Supreme Court looking like the above photo. And since I could not readily find a photo of nine robed black judges standing together, I am now imagining that an Obama Supreme Court would be trimmed down from nine justices to five. After all, black is slimming.

To do this, first Obama would have to find a glitch in the Constitution that allows him to fire all the current sitting justices. Then he would need to find another glitch allowing him to fill the slots as recess appointments getting around the Senate confirmation process.

The replacements would be (from left to right) His Honorable And Judicial Righteousness Bobby "Bo Bo" Simkins, Musheera Alia Yusef, Gladys Knight, Priestess Jones, and Jango.

They would become known as the Harlem Globetrotters of the bench because of their judicial skill, their crowd-pleasing antics, and the basketball trickery they display while hearing cases. Their theme would be the whistling of the Star-Spangled Banner. When the Senate returns from their recess to "put an end to this nonsense" their hands would be tied because Obama's Court would be so popular, disbanding the legally questionable quintet would surely be political suicide.

So much for that fantasy. I can't say I didn't see it coming. Sonia Sotomayor's appointment to the Court was supposed to supplant American jurisprudence with Puerto Rican power. Wordy decisions from the once erudite panel would be replaced with one of two verdicts: "Eees Okay" or "Oh no no no no." That didn't happen.

What will my next disappointment be? No replacing the U.S. Marines with the Fruit of Islam?

Making Believers Out Of Doubters

How does Obama do it? A recent Washington Post poll shows that 14 percent of Americans believe it is likely Barack Obama was not born in the U.S. Of that 14 percent, one third approve of the job Obama is doing. That's right. They think that Obama is a liar who happens to be doing a bang-up job. How's that for a vote of confidence?

We can't get too scientific here since we don't know who this third of the Birther segment is. For all we know they may think he's from Krypton or some sci-fi paradise that dispatches angelic droids to needy destinations throughout the galaxies.

Of course, I would love to believe that they are those people who hated Obama so much they would say anything to challenge his legitimacy as president. It would be so nice to see them give POTUS props after making such far-fetched claims against him. That would really be progress. But the poll did not get that specific and the only thing I take from this, which is no different from most polls, is that U.S. polls are sloppily executed queries of dumb people.