AOTL Top Headlines for May 31, 2011

Endeavour Crew Prepares for Earth Return and Filling Out Unemployment Forms -Astronauts hope for positions in teaching, bartending eventually.

Kangaroo Rat with Cowboy Hat
Drops Out of Race for Republican
Presidential Nomination - Cites wanting to spend more time with family. Latest dropout leaves questions of exactly who will run.

Detroit Finds New Groove with Gamble on Gasoline Powered Engine - Automotive industry hails continued step in moving away from horse and carriage.

San Francisco Budget Battle: Dems Want Free Crack for Addicts, Republicans want free City-Wide Body Piercings - No breakthrough in City Council deadlock.

Queen Elizabeth: "Some Have Referred to Me as England's First Black Queen" - England's monarch compares herself to Clinton and Obama.

Tornado-Torn Joplin, MO to World: "No, We Are Not Named for Scott or Janis" - City encourages more aid, fewer stupid questions.

Nation' s Employed Spends Memorial Day Getting Ready to Suck it Up Until Fourth of July Long Weekend - Unhappy country continues to use work holidays as motivation to get to next brief break from workplace bullshit.

In Spite of Drawbacks, "The Ryan Plan" Market Tests Well as Generic Hollywood Blockbuster Title - Actual plan still highly unpopular.

New "Odds and Ends" Cable Channel shows "Maude" Reruns, Crime Documentaries While Sussing Out Niche - Execs admit mistake in going with name first.

Are Your Congressmen Debating Under the Influence?

The answer to the titular question here is "most likely and we all know it." Congress has a problem being courted by moneyed interests that replace the interests of the Average American as the legislative priority. Often those interests conflict with the needs of the average American. When banks lobbied for and received "bankruptcy reform" in 2005 it was mostly at the expense of people who were going bankrupt because of medical costs. Yet, somehow enough lobbyists convinced enough members of Congress that these medical debtors were frauds, plain and simple, who were tired of being encumbered by the debts they so whimsically incurred. Either that or the lobbyists just threw Congress a buttload of money in exchange for their support.

This type of lawmaking is a problem and while we average folk are the victim, we are also to blame. While we wish the system would change, we continue to vote for the same greedy chumps without any question of where their allegiances will lie once sworn in. If these idiots are drunk on power then we are the enablers driving to the store to buy them another six-pack of power. And then we complain about what a bunch of no-good, powerholic, selfish traitors they are. We should instead be calling the shots. We should know where these people get their cash.

After doing a little search on the web I came across a few sites dedicated to the transparency of the flow of influence and money on Capitol Hill. I admit I only kicked the tires. I didn't take them out on the highway and redline 'em. That being said, I was encouraged with what I saw. I was taken with Influence Explorer because you can easily search by legislator, industry, corporation, etc. Pictured above is part of the result I got when searching for my House Representative Henry Waxman. Waxman has a good reputation for being a man of the people, but I thought a search on my homeboy would be a good place to start. What I am ultimately interested in finding is who is sitting down with what lobbyists and how this effects legislative outcomes.

Instead of watching the series of angering documentaries on how honest schnooks like us get played by bankers, and lobbyists who work in cahoots with the people who are supposed to be representing us, and feeling like there is no recourse, we should be calling our representatives and asking them where the hell they get their money from. Actually, taking that course of action invalidates the need for any of these sites, but it's still good to have a trove of  information. For instance, where else can you find out with the click of the mouse what two politicians have been the largest recipients of money from Exxon Mobil between 1999 and 2010. Here's a hint: they are the 43rd and 44th presidents respectively.

Enjoy!

http://sunlightfoundation.com/projects/
http://www.opensecrets.org/

A Simple Little Joke

I know I should cut down on name calling. I should be able to make my points by simply laying out facts in a succinct and mature fashion without resorting to childish denigration. So, that being said, here is a little joke: What do a jammed monkey wrench and Jim Cramer have in common? They are both busted tools.


I know I am not the first to make this point. Though I do not regularly watch the Jon Stewart program on the Comedy Central, I know that Stewart has taken issue with the lack of foundation in Cramer's judgement. Though Cramer has already been called out by Stewart, I will risk redundancy in reporting something I just saw Cramer say.


As I was watching Andrea Mitchell Reports this morning Mitchell was joined by Cramer for one segment. I do think Mitchell is sharp and she has been around so why would she have a hack like Cramer on her show? Perhaps for the same reason she would marry the man whose love affair with laissez-faire was complicit in wrecking our economy, but that's another issue. In the segment, Cramer said that "There is so much speculation. I've had many CEOs on [from] major oil companies saying the same thing; if you cut the speculation we could see a dramatic decline in [the price of] gasoline."


For the sake of accountability, here is the video link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3096434/#43111768

Now let's rewind to nearly three years ago. We were heading into summer, gas prices were on the ridiculous rise and Jim Cramer appeared on Hardball, saying what? "I regard the people who are buying oil as geniuses!"


He was referring to speculators as he laughed off the possibility that they actually had the power to manipulate the price of oil. You have to see this confidence of a fool for yourself at 2:09 into this Youtube video.


I don't have much more to say besides PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO THIS GUY! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT! Except, in the Hardball segment, he is right about the ethanol scam and how it has driven up food prices. If he was that right about everything else he talked about, he would actually be an authority. 

Isle of Newt

Gingrich on a typical day

A judgment of Newt Gingrich can go either way just by looking at him. He can either be a fun-loving jolly sort or the arrogant sourpuss that he is. One could assume that when Newt looks in the mirror he sees the fun-loving jolly sort. Why else would he think he stands a snowball’s chance in hell of being elected president? If Newt knew himself better he would appreciate the fact that his bristle got him to the highest glory he will ever realize when he was chosen as Speaker of the House.

Gingrich was great as the face of the opposition. He had no problem positing himself in front of the cameras to show just how he and the Republicans were going to push around Bill Clinton and the Democrats. It must have been a good time to be a Republican, for about two minutes. Early into the 104^th Congress was the Federal Government Shutdown during which Gingrich said he had been intentionally difficult after being snubbed by Clinton. It was the first time the country got to see Gingrich as the flimsy excuse generator that he is. He would wear the shutdown around his neck for the rest of his troubled tenure.

After exiting Congress in some disgrace in 1999, Gingrich kept his face in front of the cameras adding no harm or foul to the national debate. It wasn’t that he was inoffensive; it’s just that no one cared about what Newt had to say except for Newt. Given his credentials he could just show up and networks would let him speak. In fairness, Gingrich has always been a guy interested in solutions, not afraid to call opponents to the table to find common ground, even when he didn’t have to. It was the side of his persona that was antithetical to side that most people saw that made him somewhat of an enigma.

In the end it is the unpleasant side of his that dominates. Anyone who disagrees can challenge themselves by naming five political friends of the Newtster. Hell, name one! That’s why his glory days were the 90s. Back then, he didn’t need friends, but just enough backers to keep him around as House speaker, but even that fell out from underneath him.

It was clear from the first day of his speakership that Gingrich wanted to be president. His ascendency was high profile mostly because he made it that way. Compare his bravado with Nancy Pelosi’s reticence prior to her elevation to speaker; Pelosi promised there would be no hearings to impeach George W. Bush during her tenure. But what if he murdered someone in cold blood? Gingrich would have never taken anything off the table. He was gunning to be some sort of alternate president. He smelled Clinton’s blood in the water and tried to move in for an immediate kill. Then Clinton ripped Gingrich’s eye out. It may have not been smooth sailing from there but together Clinton and Gingrich entered into serious negotiations leading to some good things including a balanced budget and even a budget surplus.

The 90s could have been a period of growth for Gingrich. He had a lot to learn about temperament and image, but for all the good he was a part of and exposed to, none of it seemed to make an impact. He had to be him. He had to be him when marshaling Congress’ impeachment proceedings against philanderer Bill Clinton while he was having an affair of his own. He had to be him when he was the first Speaker of the House to be disciplined for ethics violations. He had to be him when stating there was a “predictive model” of what damage the president would do to America based on his Kenyan heritage. He had to be him when he alienated the bulk of his party by speaking out against its key piece of legislation in the 112^th Congress, backpedaling on his words and then blaming the Democrats for his slip-up. 

Newt’s tragic flaw is his lack of awareness of himself. Because he hears the sound of his voice so often, he assumes that there are people firmly lined up behind him. Because he is so unaware, he has no idea just how many people he turns off. If very few people liked Newt Gingrich before, nearly no one likes him now.  While he tells himself that anything could happen in this race that would put this Ryan Plan fiasco behind him, everyone else is taking bets on when he gets out.  Gingrich overstayed his welcome as Speaker of the House. Now he is overstaying his time in the limelight. 

What Next, Debtor Prisons?

Elderly patient popping pills

Just to recap, the much talked about Ryan Plan submitted by Representative Paul Ryan, Republican of Wisconsin eventually replaces Medicare with a voucher system. According to the plan, seniors would not receive assistance on the basis of medical need. They would get a flat 15 grand with which they can go buy a policy for the rest of their life. He may as well just give them a gold watch. The fact that escapes Ryan is that adequate insurance for the elderly is practically non-existent. That is why we have Medicare. The only way his plan could possibly work is if insurance companies were forced to provide comprehensive care for seniors for the rest of their lives for that amount, but that disturbs the Republican pecking order. Government can't tell a profit-making entity what to do. The government is supposed to do what insurance companies say.

The Ryan plan is, in actuality Obamacare Lite. It runs on the same principle as the new health care bill only offering less to the people who need more. How is it that Obama's health plan is so terrible, but an even more deficient version of it is being touted by Republicans as the thing that is going to save us?

If Ryan wants to make a deal on destroying Medicare, he needs to bring more to the table, like a realistic way that old people can pay for their medical bills. Why doesn't he offer to end Medicare but extend coverage under the Obama system to the elderly. Or he can offer to eradicate Obama's plan and instead suggest Medicare for all. Otherwise he is fighting windmills. They can't even repeal the health care bill at this point. Do they really think they have a chance at doing away with Medicare?

While Ryan should get credit for coming up with the plan, he gets an F for creativity. Eliminating Medicare is an easy solution, but one that would make things worse as elderly people become catastrophically ill from lack of care. Then what, Paul? Old people dying in the streets? Why even bother putting any value on the voucher in the first place? There are solutions to our problems and there is no competition to see who gets the right answer first. Finding the right solution just takes time. Making it more difficult is the fact that responsible fiscal policy makes Republicans whine. In their fantasy world, taxes are a sin. They only support budget cuts which only amount to a token portion of the deficit.

And now the drama is playing out. Three quarters of Americans hate the Ryan Plan yet the Republicans won't cede that the Ryan Plan is dead because it would be admitting failure. Newt Gingrich panned the Ryan Plan and is now reversing his stand because his party viciously rebuked him. Meanwhile the House members who voted for the Ryan plan have a hot mess in their drawers because they now have to run for reelection having supported something so many people hate. Most people would call it crisis, but the Republicans call it just another day. None of the disarray is an issue in the end since Republicans don't win based on what they can and can't do; they win on their image which is "we're old-fashioned." Honestly, what person over the age of 35 doesn't want to turn back the hands of time a little? The problem is that the Grand Old Party wants to turn back the hands of time to the days before Medicare and Social Security again and again. They want to legislate as if there were only twenty or so states in the Union and a house cost a hundred bucks.

The world is changing at a fast pace and whatever the Republicans are trying to preserve is gone. Being nostalgic is one thing, but governing is another. Here in the real world people are going broke because the cost of living is being driven sky-high to the point where 15 grand is not nearly enough to insure a senior citizen. Our deficit is equal to our GDP. There is an answer, but it is not squeezing the aging population out of its access to health care. Back to the drawing board, Ryan.

Time to Play "Name the Guv"

Here's a little quiz. What former governor's collection of quotes includes "She walks well, she looks good. Let's see how she kisses." Arnold Schwarzenegger is a good guess and I can't verify that he never said it, but that line is officially attributed to Strom Thurmond, famed segregationist, one-time presidential candidate, and long-time U.S. Senator. The context of the statement is beyond the reaches of a simple Google search, but Thurmond, like Arnie, never wasted an opportunity for a laugh. That's not all they had in common though, and I'm not talking about the lucrative career Thurmond had in Hollywood as a high-salaried swashbuckler before he went into politics (okay, not true). I'm also not talking about the extra care it took to decipher their respective versions of English. Nor am talking about the fact they are (were) both Republicans. I'm talking about their sordid family affairs. Not knowing the current appropriate term for love child (bender baby? progeny of indiscretion? Daddy's little secret?), I will just go with love child of which Schwarzenegger and Thurmond both had - one apiece, that we know of so far.

Strom Thurmond's daughter Essie Mae Washington-Williams

Both men fathered extra-marital children with domestic servants working in their homes. Both men had the child-producing congress outside their race, reflecting figurative cases of jungle fever (if that term is appropriate for liaisons of white people with Latino as well as black people). Both men one-upped Thomas Jefferson by making sure their l'il illegitimacies were provided for.


The two unions differed in that Thurmond was not married at the time of his ahem, you know. He was 22 while Miss Carrie Butler was 16. Today we know it as statutory rape and had the races of those involved been reversed at that time, hoo-boy. To me, 22 seems like a long time for a young Southern dandy to be laying around the shack, but perhaps we have discovered just what kept him around so long. I'm not naive, but I am optimistic in hoping the sex was in any way possible, good for Miss Butler, but in the South where black women were traditionally "gifted" to young white men, the best she could probably hope for was that it did not last long.


Another difference is that it took 78 years for Stom's secret to come out. Daughter Essie Mae Washington-Williams waited until after Thurmond's death to reveal who her father was. With Thurmond living to the age of 100, she must have wondered to herself more than a few times "Is this motherfucker gonna outlive me just to keep my mouth shut?"


While Arnold's political career is dead, he is not. He opted to take control of the story before a more nefarious reveal was made. That nefarious reveal was reportedly going to be done by the mother of the child in question. Mildred Baena had no interest in taking the secret of her affair to her grave. She was ready to come forward and it put Schwarzenegger in the difficult position of having to go public first. But in doing so he has also given himself the luxury of knowing when his temporary penance begins (now). He will have an imaginary scarlet letter on his chest for a year or so, but eventually it will fade after which time he can get on with making movies. When those movies disappoint at the box office he will have a handy excuse: "The people, they have not gotten on with the forgiveness and these kind of things."


If one were to stack the historical significance of the two events against each other I would put more weight on the story of Thurmond's daughter. It could be the history buff in me that finds the older story more intriguing. It could also be that the idea of Arnold Schwarzenegger boning anyone these days is nauseating. Yet, Latin Americans may find the Schwarzenegger story just as captivating given the "tradition" of sex between Hispanic servants and their employers. What may strike some people as juicy celebrity gossip to some may strike others as another case of abuse of position, but who knows. As disturbing as it may seem, maybe Ms. Mildred Baena had a taste for some of that flab strudel. However the secret events played out between the two, gossip outlets portray Schwarzenegger as having done the right thing every step of the way - with the exception of having the affair and hiding the truth from his family. Ms. Baena is said to now be retired a the young age of 50, living in a four-bedroom house with a pool. Not too shabby.


Both cases are far from the worst case scenarios. While visits with her father were infrequent, Washington-Williams had a relationship with Thurmond who by scant accounts expressed pride and joy in his black daughter. After her father paid her way through college, Washington-Williams went on to become a professional educator, wife, mother, and grandmother. Terminator Jr. should be at least as fortunate.

Is This What You Wanted, America?

Oil execs from left: Douchey McFuckpants, Bumscag Shitsmeller,
Swifty O'headcheese, Burt "Subsidy Sucker" Froomps and Slickback.

Perhaps the one good effect the Iraq War had on the presidency of George W. Bush is that it made all of his other disasters nearly forgettable. Well, if you ever regret flipping Bush the finger think of this; one of Bush's gifts to the American people was bankruptcy reform. Bush with his Republican majorities in Congress gave banks what they had been lobbying for – a way to make more money. The trumpeted purpose of the bill was to crack down on bankruptcy abuse. Never mind that over half of the bankruptcies filed in the U.S. are the result of medical bills. That had no bearing on the final outcome. By portraying the general population of people who go into deep debt as frauds and crooks, Bush and the Republicans presented their gift to the banking industry.

In 2006, shortly after the Democrats won control of the House they held hearings with CEOs of big banks to question their accountability for the abuse rampant in the credit card sector. Just over two years later when Barack Obama, a Democrat was in the White House and Democrats had both houses in Congress, the Credit Card Act of 2009 was passed. The bill prevented the random and reckless fee structure banks exercised that penalized customers who simply paid their credit card bills in a timely fashion.

Last Thursday Oil company execs had their day in the hot seat as the Democrats on the Senate Finance Committee tried to make the CEOs defend their call for continued oil subsidies from the government, in spite of the billions upon billions oil companies earn in profits. Meanwhile the Republican committee members stood in defense of the oil companies with boilerplate moves from the Republican playbook.

1. They referred to the dropping of oil company subsidies as a tax increase because they believe labeling anything they don't like as a “tax increase” galvanizes the support of Republican faithful and wishy-washy “independents.”
2. They warned that unemployment and gas prices would rise if we didn't let oil companies have their way.
3. They claimed that liberals just wanted to take away the oil company handouts as a means of punishing the oil industry's success.

When Republicans rave of the need to get spending under control, they aren't talking about the billions we hand over to oil companies. They only mean the millions that go to healthcare and NPR. After all, Republicans have integrity. When they get campaign contributions from the oil industry, Big Oil wants something back. On days like this past Thursday they get to see their money in action as Republicans on the Senate Finance Committee portray oil execs as victims.

I am tired of hearing the apathetic and/or ignorant talk about the lack of difference between the two parties. The past few years have been a bonanza of legislative reward in favor of the average consumer that would never have been realized under a George W. Bush. Those rewards also include a new Bureau of Consumer Financial Protection which Republicans also fought at the behest of the banking industry. It is a pattern as identifiable as a checkerboard. Republicans support handouts and favors for those who need the least handouts and favors.

The idea of change or doing things differently probably gives most Americans a case of anxious runny bowels. That is the appeal of the Republican Party; everyone knows they won't change shit. Yet the order that they work so hard to uphold is completely antithetical to building up and supporting the middle class. So those fearful Republican faithful and wishy-washy "independents" continue to fall for the same tricks over and over again. When Republicans ran for House seats in 2010, they ran on jobs, jobs, jobs. After they won they focused their efforts on phasing out programs they don't like such as Medicare and protecting corporate welfare. Nothing passed by the House since the start of 2011 has had anything to do with creating jobs, so they applied their tried and tacky trick of framing their corporate favoritism as “job creating.”

The years 2001-2009 were not that long ago. The country is still reeling from the torrid love affair Republicans had with the ridiculously wealthy. In those years. George W. Bush who for most of his Administration enjoyed Republican congressional majorities gave Americans what Republicans wanted. He left America in  a near depression with massive deficits and with the lowest approval rating since Richard Nixon. Two years later, amid a slow, but measurable economic recovery Americans bought back in to the devastating philosophy of Republicanism. It was either insanity or idiocy, but here we are actually debating over whether oil companies need to be given taxpayer dollars in order to succeed. People deserve the government they vote for.  

Not Like He'd Have Any Appreciation For Pearly Gates Anyway

Look who died before getting his Queer Eye visit. They're canceled and now so is he.

Entertainment News

While trying to tire out a couple dogs in my custody I took them to a trail that abuts the neighborhood of one former California governor who recently announced his separation from his wife. Posted at the trailhead today was this sign that seemed scary at first, but then I figured it out. Of course there's a cougar on the loose up here. Her name is Maria! BOO-YAH! But really, great gal, great family.


++++++++++++++++++


Coverage of the separation describes Arnold and Maria's house as secluded. Hmmm. Mountain lions in the backyard hints at isolation, but don't your nearest neighbors have to have to be pretty far away in order for it to be secluded? I think so. 

The house in question is not visible from this vantage, but it is just a few plots away. However the palace under construction without the red roof tile to the left will be the new home for Pats quarterback Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen. They've been working on that place for over a year now. Contractors. What are you gonna do?

Douchey Want a Shutdown?

If there was a music group called John Boehner and the Republicans all their songs would sound the same. They would be filed under the genre called crazy. Their latest release is one titled "We'll Agree to Raise the Debt Ceiling if You Agree to Cut Trillions From the Budget (And No Tax Hikes For the Rich)."

Trillions? That IS the budget. These morons want to turn the lights out on the government any way they can and if they don't get their way, well, Boehner will cry. Of course, Johnny-Boy is just high-balling. Oh what a skilled negotiator. Asking for trillions in cuts. What would have been even more genius would have been asking for bajillions in cuts. I bet he's kicking himself right now, "I should have asked for bajillions!"

Does he even think he is going to get even one trillion, or even a hundred billion? After pissing off the country with their Paul Ryan "Plan," do these people really think America is going to line up behind them with torches yelling "shut my country down!" That ain't gonna happen. It will be just another reason for Americans to no-vote Republicans in 2012. 

So keep flirting with the Tea Party, guys. Keep making that crazy music. If you're going to go down, you might as well go down making senseless blitherings. 

Ed Schultz Guest Implodes/iMovie Review

I just bought my first Mac and have not yet purchased Final Cut editing suite but I do plan on getting it eventually. In the mean time I decided to see just how much iMovie had to offer since it is part of the basic software bundle that comes with the machine. I did have some fun putting together this little sample from an Ed Show segment from a year ago. What I found was that one can have some elementary fun with iMovie and there are many workarounds for the functions is lacks, but nothing beats having the advanced freedom of multiple tracks like you find in programs such as Adobe Premiere and Apple's Final Cut.

One thing that is for sure is that the Mac makes making media very fun and very easy.

Now You Can Play the Lee Greenwood

"Not bad, Great Satan. Not bad at all."

There are so many reasons to be proud to be an American right now, not the least of which was the measured surgical shooting of Osama bin Laden in his left eye. Come on. Even some of his guys must have thought to themselves "Not bad, Great Satan. Not bad at all." If the Soldiers on this mission retire any time soon, I want stock in the restaurant they open together. They should call it Forty for the number of minutes they can have you in and out. 


Tonight I feel more proud than I did last night. That is because we have actually withstood a test; 24 hours since word of the death of bin Laden and no news reports of antimuslim violence in America. There are those character-lacking goobs we all know of who in a situation like this would go up to whoever they suspected of being Muslim and shout "In your face!" But none of that. As a matter of fact, two different headlines I perused described American Muslims as feeling "relieved." Though I did not read the articles yet I am going to assume these American Muslim feel like this whole dead bin Laden thing takes a little heat off them. 


I'm guessing that the people who have been making things uncomfortable for American Muslims feel like they have the last word and are thus victorious. Does that mean all bets are off if we are attacked again, God forbid? I should stop asking so many questions for once and just be glad for the serenity.


The honeymoon in Washington, if not pride-inspiring is refreshing. Let's see how long the name calling, the blame game, and the rancor remains at bay. After all, Donald Trump was pretty pissed at Seth Meyers' insults at the corespondents dinner on Saturday night. That's what CNN was covering before Obama charitably preempted the "news" Sunday night. When they weren't talking about Trump it was gas prices, unemployment, and debt ceiling. The only mention of that stuff today was how it may now be easier for Obama to get cooperation (yeah right). It would be great though. Imagine how much Obama could get done if he threw in a Muammar Gaddafi. If they can beat the forty minutes it took to get bin Laden, Obama should get to pick who he runs against in 2012.

President Obama Uses Military Force to Bring Down Obsessed Whitney Houston Fan

A Saudi man known to be infatuated with singer Whitney Houston and believed to be dangerous has been killed in a covert U.S. operation President Obama said late Sunday night. The man Osama or Usama bin Laden had been the target of U.S. presidents going back to Bill Clinton.


Bin Laden had described Houston as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, according to Kola Boof who had once been held by Bin Laden as a sex slave. "Osama kept coming back to Whitney Houston" Boof said. "He asked if I knew her personally when I lived in America. I said I didn't"


From planning to meet Houston to promising to give her one of his mansions, bin Laden would spend many hours a day thinking of the superstar. At one point he was overheard scheming on how to kill Houston's husband at the time, Bobby Brown. 


Bin Laden was 54.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-401627/Obsessed-bin-Laden-wanted-kill-Whitney-Houstons-husband.html

What I (would have) Said at the White House Correspondents Dinner

"Thank-you very much. You know what it says when so many important journalists from the 24 hour news cycle can get together in one room at one time in a week where there has been so much news? You're all replaceable. 

Seth Meyers took a night off from his regular job to be here. Hear that America? "Saturday Night Live" should actually be funny tonight.

Seth, every week we watch you amuse yourself by making a joke out of world events and the media in general. Your segment includes a lot of characters who make a mockery of themselves and you do it all with a shit-eating grin but don't be so proud. You only do it for ten minutes once a week. Fox News does it 24/7

Barack Obama has a bone to pick with some people in this room tonight. Those people all think that it's the bone he pulled from his father's nose.

Most people would crap their pants being in the same room with so many detractors, but not Barack Obama. He's been potty trained – with the help of Affirmative Action, of course.

John Boehner didn't show up tonight. He's probably still trying to explain why he voted to continue the F-22 fighter the Pentagon wanted to scrap. John, when your last name looks like the word 'boner' there's no need to explain your support of long hard objects that shoot things.

John Boehner is busy this year with all the Republicans in the House of Representatives running, not for office, they're running from Paul Ryan's budget bill.

Congressman Darrell Issa is here. He started out the year strong,  promising to investigate the most corrupt administration in our nation's history, but he's stalled. Seems its easier to find Osama bin Laden these days than it is to find George W. Bush.

Meanwhile it's expected that President Obama will raise a billion dollars for his reelection bid. A billion dollars just so he could win, and get back to telling us how broke we are.

When you look at it, a billion isn't really that much. It's about a dollar for each contributor to the Huffington Post.

Apologies to Donald Trump who won't get a chance to speak tonight. Earlier this week he gave some remarks that were seen by many as offensive. Apparently the only F-word Trump has trouble with is fact-checking.

Trump's made some bizarre choices this week which might have some long lasting implications on his future which brings me to my final joke of the night: What's the difference between Donald Trump and Prince William? No one gets up in the middle of the night to watch Trump ruin his life.

Thank-you. Try the fish."