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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Expert: Oz Covered Up Racist Bones in Trump's Body

When discussing the health of Donald Trump, supporters who are not avowed white supremacists boast that the Republican nominee for president doesn't have a racist bone in his body. According to experts, this is just not true. "No. Donald doesn't have a racist bone in his body. He has at least several racist bones in his body" says Dr. Irving Chao, an orthopedist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. "If you say things like 'we're building a wall, he's Mexican,' you at least have a racist jawbone. A normal jawbone isn't capable of articulating those sentiments." Chao did not stop there, citing that Trump's desire to kick out Hispanic immigrants would require racist bones in the legs and feet. 

The revelation came just as TV personality Dr. Oz held a televised consult with Trump to discuss the candidate's overall health. Oz admitted that he would avoid any topic Trump did not want to discuss which would ostensibly include his racist bones. Chao finds that omission unacceptable saying "it's virtually malpractice on the public interest. How many more racist bones does Donald Trump have in his body? It's one thing to have a racist jawbone, but if you have a racist backbone, game over. The people deserve to know."

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Vegans Quarrel Over Eating Boogers

Vegans, vegetarians who abstain from consuming any animal products are being torn apart by a new controversy. They can not agree if boogers have a place on the vegan menu. On one side, proponents claim that the human body continually generates waste products such as dead cells among others. Those that aren't expelled from the body are reabsorbed internally. "The fact is, we're already practically eating our own waste products, not to mention the boogers we eat unknowingly throughout the day" says Matt Sherman, a vegan and physiologist. "Eat a booger. Live a little." Add to this, boogers pack a potent dose of protein according to vegan booger eaters. 

In opposition to this view is the claim that voluntary consumption of bodily waste that is manually harvested with intent such as the booger counts as animal product and is thereby forbidden under vegan philosophy. In some places the debate has been taking up ad space. In Portland, Oregon one can see "if you pick it, you must flick it" billboards. The foot of one such billboard was the site of a recent protest where handheld signs proclaiming "I beg your pardon, stay out my nose garden" were seen. The American Vegan Congress is expected to address eating boogers or mucophagy  during its next session. 
 

 

Monday, September 12, 2016

Tim Cook Unveils Apple's "Best Sexual Harassment Policy Ever"

Apple employees sat in the company auditorium seeming more sleepy and preoccupied than curious over what was billed as a surprise announcement. At 10:30 a.m. the house lights went down. Missing was the applause that usually follows the dramatic opening of an Apple product launch. Through the darkness came a sustained synth-string note and the voice of Tim Cook crowing highlights and enhancements of the company’s new sexual harassment policy. “Streamlined process for making complaints. Option for rapid mediation between alleged offender and offended party. Dedicated digital counselor versed in all matters of sexual harassment.” The stage lights came up on Cook as the strings stopped. The CEO, dressed in black then announced “and it’s all integrated on the new iPhone 7!” The room sat quietly for two to three seconds until Cook prompted “you can clap now,” at which point most of the room united in tepid applause. “It’s another friggin’ sexual harassment seminar” one employee was overheard grumbling. In spite of the lack of enthusiasm, Cook pressed on, going into further detail as he would as if he were hawking a new device in front of engrossed press and investors. He saved what seemed to be his favorite new feature, Myrtle for last. “And finally, Siri might be spoken for, but she does have an older sister Myrtle who is our digital sexual harassment counselor. If you’re not sure if you’ve been sexually harassed, tell Myrtle what’s happened. Don’t worry. She’s heard it all. Also, if there is something you want to say to someone, but aren’t sure if it crosses the line, just run it by Myrtle to see what she thinks. Watch this.” Cook took out his iPhone 7, asked Siri to get Myrtle and then asked “Myrtle, can I tell Rajit Singh I’d like to hit that?” Back came an instant answer from Myrtle, but in Hindi to which the entire room burst into laughter and applause. Cook took the ribbing with a good nature, digging back “so you’ll clap at that. OK. We’ll get the engineers on that, right fellas?” With a finger on the pulse of the room, Cook segued into a rushed ending to the gathering. “It’s the best sexual harassment policy ever and there are donuts in each of your nearest break rooms” he said, waving his hand in a quick upward motion. Scores of workers then tripped up the stairs to the exits, prompting one more authoritative command from Cook. “Slowly. Slowly!”

Trump Changing Color Later This Year Due to Climate Change

There is no greater sign of autumn than Donald Trump changing colors. Every October, tourists flock to Trump Tower to see the face and hair of the famed conman show off brighter oranges and yellows. According to scientists though, you may want to book your travel later this year if your goal is to see the fooliage at its height. “Trump becomes more vibrant every fall because he begins to produce more of the compound asinine” says Northeastern University anthrobotanist Bird Berdan. “The asinine is triggered by the cooler air. So the longer it stays warm, the later fooliage season starts. This is a direct affect of global warming.” 

Donald Trump disagreed with the science, responding “they say this… look, the Chinese have… many smart people tell me, many smart people, the Chinese are making so much money on global warming and we’re just giving it to them, giving it to them. Give. Me. A break. And Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are handing over the checks because of their policies. It’s been. A. Disaster. A disaster. Look, people tell me all the time, I just had someone say to me ‘we never know when you’re going to change color. Sometimes you do it January, sometimes you do it in June.’ And they say this whole thing with Putin, the press is so dishonest, so dishonest. Hillary Clinton has lunch with ISIS once a week. And you hear nothing about it. Meanwhile, I gave billions to veterans and they jumped all over me, all over me. Very dishonest. Very dishonest.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Air Force One Loses Obama's Luggage


As a perfect bookend to a foreign trip that had a rough start, Barack Obama retuned from Asia on Friday morning only to discover Air Force One lost his luggage.

“Unfuckingbelievable” muttered the president as he banged on the door of the White House travel office . “They insisted I had to come in person to fill out forms. I couldn’t do it online. Now they’re closed for lunch. I can actually hear people in there” he said with his ear to the door.

In spite of rising approval in his final months, Obama has recently endured blows to his prestige, from insurers abandoning Obamacare exchanges to the Asia trip which began with Chinese officials screaming at members of the American delegation on the tarmac upon arrival. One official who chose to remain anonymous said that in Laos, the president spent much of his time in his room at the U.S. embassy in Vientiane.

“The last question he asked after we arrived was ‘do they get Netflix here?’ Those close enough to the president know that means he pretty much wants to be left alone for the next three days” said the staffer.

If Obama was expecting his homecoming to be a relief from the stress of travel, the luggage snafu threw those hopes away

“It’s not just a couple pairs of socks and underwear” said Obama to whatever traveling press gaggle that still lingered. “I bring all my favorite suits to choose from. Now I have to wear my fat suits. Then there’s the stupid gifts. I have to register a ‘I had a ‘Laos-y time in Laos’ t-shirt given to me from the Laotian president. I should have told him to keep it. I don’t have time for this shit.”

While waiting for the travel office to open, the president pulled out his Blackberry and said “What, do they think I don’t have Yelp?” He paused for a moment and wondered aloud “maybe I should wait until I get my stuff back.”

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Blacks Now Faking Trump Support Just to Keep Him Away

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The sharp criticism African American voters directed towards Donald Trump for trying to court them during his appearances in front of all white crowds may have backfired. In another shift in direction for the Trump campaign, the Republican nominee for president actually began making appearances in front of black audiences. The events have been described as "awkward" and "painful" by those in attendance.  


“Save yourself” said Darcelle Wynn of Detroit. “If you hear Trump is coming to your town, put a Trump sign outside of your church until you know he’s gone.”


Wynn who was initially critical of Trump’s overtures to the black community was present when Trump spoke at her church in Detroit last Saturday. 


“I’ll just say I’m spreading the word” said Wynn. “I don’t know what I was thinking, but if others can learn from my mistake then I’ve done my work.”


Whether it was Wynn’s messaging or not, Trump signs are appearing on the lawns of black churches across all battleground states, in some instances even where it is not legal. In Orlando, Florida, Pastor Ethelred Gaines had placed a Trump campaign sign on the lawn of his church but was given a warning to remove it.

“I pulled the sign up and sure enough, one day later someone from the campaign called” says Gaines with a youthful grin. “They said they wanted to know if Mr. Trump could visit with the congregation in a week. I paused and then I said ‘none of us have our driver’s license. We can’t vote.’ She said 'oh, it doesn't matter whether or not you can vote. It's not for you.' I said 'excuse me?' And just like that, the line went dead. Either way. Trump ain't coming here."

Gary Johnson: Other Candidates Should Smoke Weed to Level Playing Field


After totally spacing out on Morning Joe this morning, Libertarian candidate for president Gary Johnson blamed the sobriety of his competitors for his perceived obliviousness. Having been asked what he would do about the situation in the Syrian city of Aleppo, a bewildered Johnson responded "what is a lepo?" By the time any member of the Morning Joe panel could muster any response, the lapse of knowledge had become a viral headline.

While Johnson later apologized for his "total brain fart," he called on the media to pressure his opponents Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump into consuming as much marijuana as he has in his life.

"The game is rigged against a guy like me who's smoked weed all his life practically," said Johnson. 

"You're essentially rewarding the other guys for having clarity of mind to weasel out of the questions they don't know the answers to. If Clinton and Trump aren't incapacitated on THC, the American people lose."

Johnson went so far as to list what marijuana strains he would recommend for each candidate.

"For Hillary, I'd give her some Hindu Kush, Blue Cheese, or maybe even some Agent Orange. Trump is more of a Purple Urkle or LA Confidential guy."

When asked if Green Party candidate Jill Stein should get high as well, Johnson responded by asking "who is Jill Stein?"

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 9 More Weeks of Voter Apathy

Punxsutawney Phil, the prescient Pennsylvania marmot who is the center of Groundhog Day is expanding the brand! His sway is no longer restricted to matters of the vernal equinox. Phil, with his odd collection of ceremonial handlers will be lending his voice to autumnal issues by forecasting the level of public interest in politics during presidential elections. Typically, media desk-sitters predict that America's attention to a race for the White House is not grabbed until after Labor Day. This is based on the assumption that kids on summer vacation are so distracting that it is impossible to devote any brainpower to civics. Phil and company have entered the fray to make their own call for the fall. 

On Tuesday morning, the first day after Labor Day, Phil was put in a customized chicken wire maze on the stage and given his inaugural choice. Once placed inside, Phil could either go to the left or to the right. At the end of the left passage was a television screen with a five minute CNN segment featuring Wolf Blitzer. On the right was a bowl of Corn Nuts. Without even seeming to notice the blaring drone of Blitzer, Phil bee-lined to the salty treats with his dancing nose leading the way. 

The crowd paused over the crunching, unsure what prognosis to interpret until Punxsutawney Groundhog Club president Bill Deeley raised Phil above his head and proclaimed "nine more weeks of apathy!" The crowd roared.

Phil then squirmed and emitted base-toned squeaks until returned to his Corn Nuts.

 

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Trump Wants Lynch Mobs at the Polls in November


In another series of jaw-dropping stunts, Donald Trump has taken to deputizing his crowds as "poll monitors." It began in mid-August when Trump said the following to an Altoona, PA crowd:
"The only way we can lose, in my opinion, I really mean this, Pennsylvania, is if cheating goes on... I hope you people can sort of not just vote on the 8th. Go around and look and watch other polling places, and make sure that it's 100 percent fine... We're going to watch Pennsylvania. Go down to certain areas and watch and study, make sure other people don't come in and vote five times."
He also made the following remarks in Akron, OH on August 22:
"You've got to get every one of your friends. You've got to get every one of your family. You've got to get everybody to go and watch. And go out and vote. And when I say watch, you know what I'm talking about, right? You know what I'm talking about. I think you got to go out and you got to watch."
Even without weaving these statements in with other disastrous declarations by Trump, they have a noxious taint for so many reasons. Polls consistently show that Trump is losing in Ohio, and by even larger margins in Pennsylvania. So as it is, Trump is lying to his fans and anyone else that will listen. It's not novel for him, but Trump's lies are a new level of nefarious as his goal here is not just to mischaracterize his opponent as an election rigger, but to undermine his supporters' faith in our neutral institutions when things don't work out their way. It is a premeditated conspiracy theory that true Trumpeters eat up hook, line, and sinker.

Trump strategically avoided some specificity when talking about which voters needed to be watched, but there is some logical speculation that can be done to ascertain to whom he was referring and to whom his crowds understood he was referring. Hard as they may deny it, the Trump campaign has a strong draw among white people who harbor high levels of racial resentment (racists). It's why Donald Trump retweeted this faked crime data set from a nonexistent organization (Crime Statistics Bureau of San Francisco) below. Firstly, 100% of whites aren't being murdered as the picture suggests. Secondly, according to the most recent FBI statistics, 81 percent of white people who ARE MURDERED are actually murdered by other white people. The intent of this bogus graphic is to promote ABH or anti-black hysteria and to bolster racist agendas. Trump knows his audience.


Now, let's just parse some of his words in Altoona. "Go down to certain areas and watch and study..." The word that sticks out is "certain." It comes off the same way proper white grandmothers use the word "certain" when they don't want to specifically name the minority group or neighborhood of which they are expressing distaste. What "certain" areas is Trump talking about? If he wants those polls patrolled by his volunteer goons, he's going to have to reveal it some time, that is if he wants things to be above board and all.

As for his Ohio statements, Trump repeated the clause "you know what I'm talking about" as if he was indicating some level of intimate communication he shares with crowds he draws. It is very "wink, wink, nudge, nudge." There is very little ambiguity in the direction to "go and watch," but when you add on "you know what I'm talking about," that makes it totally ambiguous. Clearly he means something more specific than just "go and watch," but he won't say exactly what it is that he means because what he means is something way too antisocial to say in more certain terms. Let's assume he meant something like intimidating black voters. When he said it, some crowd members probably weren't really listening. Some probably heard it and were puzzled. Some probably heard it and were disturbed on some level. Some probably heard it and were all in.

Bear in mind, there are proper procedures for people interested in volunteering as poll monitors. We have gone through most of our election cycles with no memorable instances of conflict between monitors and voters. Hopefully, 2016 will go down the same way, but as so many people have been eager to crow, this is not a normal election year. The Trump influence has been one of net ugliness; his insistence that polls will be rigged, his tweeting of racist propaganda, plus his suggestions that "Second Amendment people" have solutions to stopping a President Hillary Clinton from appointing liberal Supreme Court justices. And then we've seen videos of black protesters being sucker-punched and violently group-shoved at Trump rallies. One of these assaults was followed up by an on camera death threat by one of the aggressors.

Of course, not all Trumpeters fit into one box, but it does not take all of Trump's supporters to make for something ugly to happen on Election Day. We have had armed hate mongers stalking a Phoenix mosque for no other reason other than the fact that the mosque was there. We have had armed White Lives Matter protesters rallying outside of a Houston NAACP office. Actions like these were taken without the initiative of any presidential candidate. What happens when hyper-vigilant, self-entitled, gun-toting white supremacists hear their candidate urge them to watch the polls in black neighborhoods, er... rather, certain areas?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Open Letter to Trump From a Black Person



Dear Donald Trump:

In a recent speech to a predominantly white crowd, you portrayed the black community as one of complete devastation before asking African American voters “what the hell have you got to lose” in voting for you. It’s the perfect question posed by a casino operator to people who want nothing to do with the casino. As an African American person, let me assure you that as the polls reflect, “the Blacks” (as you called us until recently) are not interested in your scheme.

To bolster your case, you bellowed “No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton’s policies than African Americans. No group. No group.” Maybe that’s the way you see it. It is not the way black people see it. Black voters cast their support in terms of record and action, just like everyone else. I will show you just what black people see on a ballot with you going head-to-head with Hillary Clinton. I will break down your records and actions as it is known by people in and out of politics.

Hillary Clinton is known for her service. Childhood incarceration, school desegregation, legal access for women, education standards, and building functional communities are some of the issues Hillary Clinton has successfully confronted or written about. While a young Hillary Clinton was doing undercover work fighting against racial discrimination, you were employing racial discrimination as a business practice. You were successfully sued by the Department of Justice for refusing to rent to non-whites whom you broadly referred to as “welfare recipients.” Hillary Clinton has seen injustice as something to fight against. You have seen injustice as something from which to profit.

And then you have the unmitigated gall to claim the Democratic party takes black voters for granted. That is an insult to dedicated public servants such as John Lewis, Elijah Cummings, Yvette Clarke, and my own representative in Congress Karen Bass. In some instances they have risked their lives fighting for social justice and civil rights, but no one expects you to know that. After all, your new campaign CEO was most recently the Executive Chairman of Breitbart.com, a website that is critical and derisive to the aforementioned people and the issues they champion on behalf of their constituents. These issues include voter suppression, racial profiling, wrongful death of black males at the hands of police, sentencing disparity based on race, and gun sale regulations.

Claiming the Democratic party takes black voters for granted is also an age-old Republican insult to black voters. It implies we lack the capacity to act in our own best interest. It's like you think you are talking to the "welfare recipients" to whom you refused leases. Telling African Americans that the party whose platform most coincides with their concerns is taking their votes for granted has got to be THE worst sales pitch ever. Ever. Ever. 

As far as the issues that are important to us go, this is what we African Americans know. We know that Hillary Clinton is not responsible for lax gun sale laws or voter suppression, etc. We also know the standard Republican rebuttal to our arguments. We know your answer to gun violence is easier access to guns. We know that you want to equate early voting with voter fraud and so on. But we are not interested in wasting time debating these things with you because we already have a candidate who, for the most part supports our views and that candidate is not you. It is Hillary Clinton. 
Meanwhile you scream your angry pitch to black voters in front of white crowds who adore you and agree with the content they read at Breitbart.com. You are their man, with emphasis on the word “their.” To everyone else, we get that your pitch is a total con. We don’t believe anything you have to say. What the hell do we have to lose? Our question to you is “what the hell do you have to offer?”

Sincerely,

Chip Dornell and almost every black voter in America
p.s. It seems your business flourished in spite of you having to rent to "welfare recipients."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Intelligence Community Readies Trump's First Intel Report

Worried about the safety of our nation's most cherished and vital information on foreign activity in the hands of an undisciplined egomaniac, the U.S. intelligence community came up with a solution. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will receive assessments of his own intelligence rather than summations of our national secrets.

"This indemnifies us in the feared event Trump mistakenly shares anything within the report" said one official anonymously. "Anything he reveals in these reports is already public knowledge."

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

What to Say While Watching the Olympics with Grandparents



While the Olympic games have the power to bring us together, they can also accentuate our differences, particularly between generations. While the experience of watching the coverage with parents can range from to tolerable to enjoyable, witnessing this event can be challenging when in the presence of grandparents. Rio will put us at the provocative crossroads of multiculturalism and changing times that prompt seemingly involuntary comments from seniors. This list represents the statistically best possible responses to some of the most likely utterances you will hear from grandparents during the Olympics.


-Yes, Grandpa. That's what "junk in the trunk" means, but normally you say it about women.

- Because poker isn’t a sport.

- The white runners show up because they earned their place.

- Aunt Karen is that big. Does that mean she’s on steroids?

- It’s from cupping Grandma. It’s a sports therapy. It’s not from Zika.

- I don’t think you have enough hair for cornrows.

- I’m not politically correct, I just… let’s just watch.

- No, this isn’t contributing to the deficit.

- Her name is Ledecky, not Speedo.

- I’m just saying Brazilian isn’t a language.

- I’m pretty sure they don’t get shot if they lose. 

- You’re only missing reruns.

- Because I wasn’t that good at it Grandma.

- No, I don’t know what they say and I don’t want to know.

- The U.N. doesn’t run the Olympics.

- There’s no skating. It’s summer. Yes, I’m sure.

- No. They’ve never put on nice clothes for the medal ceremonies. 

- There are no East Germans anymore. It’s just Germany.

- She’s not on the Muslim team. There is no Muslim team. She's American.





Monday, August 8, 2016

NY Post Features Nudes of Clinton's Husband

The campaign of Democratic nominee for president Hillary Clinton has been thrown a curve ball after the New York Post published nude pictures of her husband last week. While photos featuring a political spouse in the nude might ordinarily be seen as scandalous, the Clinton campaign has pointed out that this sort of thing is normal in Mr. Clinton's native Arkansas. Mr. Clinton impressed audiences when he spoke for his wife at the Democratic National Convention.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Trump Operates Microwave Oven to Prove Nuke Literacy

As more people doubt his comprehension of nuclear weapons, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump operated a microwave oven on stage during an appearance in Topeka, Kansas on Saturday to prove his critics wrong. 

"I know more about nuclear weapons than everybody. Believe me" Trump bellowed. "I've been told by so many people, nuclear weapons people, that I know more about nuclear weapons than they do, okay" he continued as the crowed roared with approval. 

The real estate hustler then turned to the brand new prop oven with its door still taped shut by the factory and announced "I've been using this thing for years. I've nuked everything in this. Believe me." He then bent down to study the keypad before asking the audience "who wants to defrost some popcorn?" The crowd once more erupted in cheers of delight. He pressed a series of buttons before returning to the podium where he offered responses to a series of controversies dating back to his childhood. 

"This one guy from the third grade, the third grade, goes to the press and says I was a bully. You know what we do with people like that. We hit back at them hard. Then you look at what Megyn Kelly said about me. Oh boy. She's a piece of work." 

The prideful stream of consciousness was interrupted with a beep from the microwave oven. Trump paused to look at the oven before commanding "it's broken, get it out of here." 

At no point did the candidate address the fact that there is no relation between nuclear technology and microwave technology.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Clint Eastwood's Face to Replace Angry Facebook Emoji

At 86 years old, Hollywood renaissance man Clint Eastwood refuses to lose relevance. The iconic cranky face of such characters as Dirty Harry and Chair Talking Grouch will now become the cranky face of the Facebook "angry" emoji.

The idea came from the Facebook design team that began sending in-house work messages with the sour expression of Eastwood as a joke. The joke caught on and eventually, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave the go ahead to make Mr. Eastwood's face an official Facebook response option. In a deal with the actor/director, he will receive fractions of a penny for each time his image is used. While this alone removes the need for Eastwood to work another day in his life, he is currently editing a four hour feature on the story of how his face became a Facebook fixture. "Emoji" stars Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Brie Larson, Rooney Mara, Mark Ruffalo, Kate Blanchett, Michael Fassbender, Matt Damon, Oscar Isaac, Jessica Chastain, Mickey Rourke, Jennifer Lawrence, and Bryan Cranston.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Ivanka on Sexual Harassment

Ivanka Trump found herself the topic of discussion this past week, but until now, no one has asked the businesswoman how she would deal with unwanted sexual attention at work. Ahead on the Left caught up with her Wednesday afternoon and asked her: "How would you react to being sexually harassed on the job?"

"That's funny" she answered. "That's the same thing they asked me at a job interview I just had with the Clinton campaign."

Putting Dad in a Home Just Got Harder for Trump Kids

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The three adult kids had all noticed the same thing. Their father had been declining gradually over the past 40 years. When they discovered him tweeting vitriolic rants in the middle of the night, they decided it was time to do something. They had to put him in a home. Surprisingly, Donald Trump agreed with Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, but he had conditions.

The kids heard out their father’s demands. The facility would have to be private. His security would have to be guaranteed around the clock. He would need a staff to wait on him hand and foot. Not only would it have to be free, he would have to make money on it. And he would need another plane. The great deal maker was making the deal of his life, and this time he was gunning for a spot in the most exclusive home in the country, the White House. Only the most competitive of people stand a chance to get in, but in spite of the onset of dementia, their dad was just as competitive as he had ever been. The only problem was how much his instability would be a liability.

At the onset, the family was discouraged. At the very first opportunity Donald Trump had to make a good impression, he meandered into a racist screed against Mexicans, peppered with disproven factoids. They braced for the worst, never imagining that his tribal irascibility would make him an early favorite for the spot. Once ashamed of Trump Sr.’s outbursts, they agreed to let Dad be Dad, a strategy that would allow them to sit back and watch their father coast to his spot in the coveted White House Home.

Then came the final phase of the process. The lunacy which had buoyed him for the first 12 months has now reverted to a burden. The residence he is looking to win is still a monument of national dignity and pride. As decision time approaches, the specter of an unstable subject around the nation’s sacred art, furniture, and nuclear detonators looms as too much potential for catastrophe. The young Trumps were unavailable for comment, but a source close to the family says they are losing their patience with their father. In one discussion, a son was overheard threatening, “if you don’t turn this around, we’re checking out a mental institution in Mexico.”

Harry Connick Jr. Named Guest Judge on Supreme Court

It began with a team building weekend at a Bowie, MD Hilton with the eight current Supreme Court Justices. The jurists sat cross-legged in a circle brainstorming ideas to boost morale. Since the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, the Senate has made the unprecedented move of refusing to hold hearings on any replacement named by President Obama. As a result, the court workload has increased.

In Executive Conference Room B, a symbolic gavel was passed to each justice as they pitched their ideas which Roberts wrote down on a whiteboard. Roberts coached that there were no bad ideas and reprimanded when some unpopular suggestions were booed. The gavel had made it around the circle at least once when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg suggested temporarily filling Scalia’s seat with a celebrity judge.

“The American people love that shit” said the diminutive liberal. “And it’s not like a stupid celebrity can’t do what Nino did, God rest his soul.”

And with that the gavel went around again. This time the goal was to generated a list of potential celebrity judges. A source close to the court who shared the account said that from a list of 20, ranging from rapper T.I. to actor Chuck Norris, the group of eight deliberated for an hour before deciding on singer Harry Connick Jr. whose judicial temperament was publicly witnessed during his tenure as a judge on “American Idol.”

Connick expressed his excitement in a statement issued through his agent. “I am a huge fan of the Supreme Court so I am humbled that they would ask me join them this season.”

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

GOP Demands Khans Say "Radical Islamic Terror"


Republicans who have backed Gold Star Parents Khizer and Ghazala Khan in their public feud with Donald Trump are now demanding the couple use the term “radical Islamic terror.”

“The Khans who are Muslim have had our utmost respect and admiration” said visibly sleep deprived Republican strategist Sean Spicer. “It will be easier to continue that respect if we hear these Muslims refer to the real enemy which is radical Islamic terror. We hear calls for Donald Trump make a presidential pivot. Why don’t Mr. and Mrs. Muslim Khan make an American pivot so we know they stand where we think they stand.”

In response,  Ghazala khan tweeted the following to the Republican party:
“…I’m from Pakistan and don’t need lessons on the enemy. As they say in the military, sierra tango foxtrot uniform.”


Monday, August 1, 2016

GOP: "Overturning Voter ID Laws Denies Our Right to Bamboozle"


After several recent court rulings striking down voting restrictions, Republicans have complained that their right to bamboozle is in jeopardy. As voting demographics change, the conservative group Committee to Lead Astray (CLA) has prompted state legislatures to furiously enact laws that favor Republican outcomes. Many of these laws are being challenged as quickly as they are being passed.


The Republican National Committee has responded in part with the following statement:
“These unfortunate rulings are a blow to centuries of American tradition. Hoodwinking blacks is the foundation of our nation’s character. It’s that struggle that makes us all better. If Blacks don’t feel like they’ve been took, led astray or run amok , we’re not living up to the wishes of our Founding Fathers. Ours is a system of checks and balances. Our right to hoodwink balances the Blacks’ right to be hoodwinked. We encourage all Americans to join us in regaining our freedom to bamboozle.”

Friday, July 29, 2016

By the Way Secretary, Love the Suit


While accepting her party’s nomination for president Thursday night, reliable pantsuit sporter Hillary Clinton dished a daring take on her fashion staple with a sterile yet stunning turn. If the all white suit seemed reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter’s asylum orderly Barney from “Silence of the Lambs,” it may not have been a mistake. Clinton came out with a strong fashion statement and that statement was “Donald Trump is nuts, but I’ve got him under control.”

While the Republican Convention tried to hit home the notion that only Trump can keep us safe from danger, Clinton’s attire affirmed that only she can keep us safe from Donald Trump. It promised that come the day after Election Day, we will see the King of Con being escorted away to a secure facility, swaddled in restraint-wear with face mask, being pushed on a dolly that will be maneuvered by President-elect Clinton herself.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Trump to Fire One of His Kids if He Loses the Election


Republican nominee for president Donald Trump just made things interesting for the three adult children running his campaign. If he loses, one of them will be fired. In typical fashion, the sacking will occur following a special week-long edition of the real estate associate’s reality show “The Apprentice.” Four shows will weigh whether Donald Jr., Ivanka, or Eric was most responsible for a series of selected campaign high and low points. Early observers don’t see how Eric the youngest of the three stands a chance, but with three months left of the campaign, anything can happen.

Though the show will only air if Trump loses, The Trump Organization is already in preproduction on the show which they will sell to viewers on Trump’s soon to be launched video on demand service, Trumpflix. The candidate says it will be great. Believe him. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Putin: Trump Stiffed Us on DNC Hack


Russian president Vladimir Putin has come forward with a  stunning revelation. Not only did Russians hack Democratic National Committee emails, but they did it at the request of Donald Trump who in turn refused to pay them in the end.

“I knew it” screamed Putin through a translator. “I saw that Hillary Clinton ad about this architect Trump [expletive deleted] over and part of me didn’t want to believe it because we had already made the deal. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it!”

When asked why Putin agreed to arrange the hack, the former director of the nation’s successor to the KGB wiped his eyes and in a barely audible voice answered “we’re so broke.” He sighed.

“Oil prices are so low and then there are those stupid sanctions. Hacking is all we do. It’s all we teach in our schools. Every branch of government does it. At the DMV we are hacking. At our tourism bureau we are hacking. You get the picture. ”

As for the amount of the overdue bill, Trump refused to pay the Russians $327 according to Putin. As a means of recouping the loss, the Russian president said he would consider doing an ad for the Clinton campaign.

Poll: Rust Belt White Males Don't Like Being Called That

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A new AOTL/Tregor poll out today has revealed that nearly 99% of Rust Belt white males hate being called Rust Belt white males. From the mid-Northeast to the Great Lakes states, white males, particularly those whose incomes are tied to manufacturing are not keen on their convenient political moniker.

“There’s no good connotation to it” complains Tom Simpson, a Milwaukee contractor. “Whether you think that I, as a white male hold my pants up with a make-do corroded strip of metal or that I live in a place where people don’t know what waterproof paint is, I don’t come out looking too bright. Why don’t they call it the Flounder Belt. You catch great flounder here. Okay, maybe not that.”

Pep Mueller, a high school shop teacher from Cleveland takes his indignation one step further.

“It sounds like I should be in a zoo with one of those description plaques. You know, ‘Rust Belt White Male. Lives in a soon-to-be foreclosed house, drinks too much beer, tells racist jokes, lives an unhealthy lifestyle. They have prostate trouble. They’re so stupid that they can be hoodwinked by a tacky conman running for president. Their unemployed son’s been rebuilding the same damn ’72 Monte Carlo in the garage for 15 years,’ or what have you. Oh.” Mueller pauses to self-consciously remove his “Make America Great Again” baseball cap.

“I just wear this to be ironic. It’s a joke. And my prostate is just fine.”

In the small minority is Milo Cornish who says he loves the term.

“I say don’t get angry, get smart.”

The wiry 20-something college dropout holds up a piece of merchandise made by his small Bay Shore, Michigan clothing company. It’s a small neon pink t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Rust Belt White Male” in bold black letters.

“It’s a huge seller in Japan and the great thing is I can just keep ripping this stuff from the political headlines. We’re doing ‘white suburban mom,’ ‘child of undocumented parents,’ ‘college educated black woman over 30.’ That one is really popular for some reason. So yes, I love ‘Rust Belt white male.’ It’s making me money in the Rust Belt. Hey, I’m making lemonade!”

Some Reactions to Michelle Obama's Convention Speech



Senator Jeff Sessions (R - Alabama), Trump Supporter
"I have to say that I’m a little disappointed with the divisive remarks made by our First Lady last night. You know I wake up in a house built by slaves every morning too. But this isn’t the kind of thing you yell out on national television. That’s the kind of thing you might bring up at a dinner party or on poker night. Maybe even on a first date as sort of an ice breaker."

Chris Rock, Actor/Comedian
"I heard she toned the speech down. Originally she was going to say 'I wake up every morning in a house built by slaves, surrounded by armed men who I’m afraid can shoot my husband dead at any minute. Every morning after I wake up in my house that was built by slaves I tell my husband, no sudden movements and for God’s sake don’t reach into the waist of your pants!'"

Melania Trump, Businesswoman
"I heard she toned the speech down. Originally she was going to say 'I wake up every morning in a house built by slaves, surrounded by armed men who I’m afraid can shoot my husband dead at any minute. Every morning after I wake up in my house that was built by slaves I tell my husband, no sudden movements and for God’s sake don’t reach into the waist of your pants!'"

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bernie or Bust Stays Laser-Focused on Their Feelings

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Jay Mootnik licked his cold sore and shook his head in defiance. “If Bernie Sanders isn’t the president fighting for LGBTQ rights, I don’t want any LGBTQ rights at all”  said the 35 year old heterosexual outside the Wells Fargo Center as the Democratic National Convention began on Monday.

“I’d rather have no LGBTQ rights than have Hillary take the lead on this with her Wall Street money and her email server” he said sticking his thumbs in the shoulder straps of his “Bernie or Bust” tank top. “I’m so done.”

Mootnik is part of a discouraged progressive army of Bernie Sanders supporters whose hurt feelings are issue-one in this campaign. In spite of Hillary Clinton’s common ground with Sanders on many issues, so-called Sanderistas insist that from here on in, they will only support these issues if they are being marshaled by Sanders himself as POTUS. 

When it comes to immigration reform, Ivory White’s only option is Sanders.

“I can totally relate to the immigrant experience. My family came here on the Mayflower and with every ounce of my immigrant blood I don’t want to live in a world where Hillary Clinton’s finger is anywhere near the immigration button”  said the 28 year old self-described trust fund baby.

“I speak for all immigrants when I say it’s much better for illegals to be rounded up and deported en masse under Donald Trump than for us to trust that crooked Hillary Clinton, whose campaign is brought to you by Monsanto is going to do anything on immigration. “

There seems to be no issue on which Bernie or Busters would trust Hillary Clinton, not even voting access as Spencer Mayered helped make clear.

“I would rather use the Emancipation Proclamation, the 13th Amendment, the Voting Rights Act, and the Civil Rights Act, as kindling for a bonfire before letting black people be tricked into believing that Hillary Clinton who has made billions from investing in fracking will do anything for their voting privileges” said the white person. “That’s how serious I am about this.” Evans then turned 180 degrees, raised his arms and screamed “black lives matter” to no one in particular before resuming his game of Pokemon Go.

X Heffernan, a 68 year old midwife now goes by X because she was originally named Hillary. Heffernan wants nothing to do with Clinton’s name and nothing to do with her politics.

“If Hillary Clinton is president, you might as well have the Supreme Court stacked with 10 Anthony [sic] Scalias. What good is your constitutional right to a safe abortion when your president keeps a jar with Hitler’s heart in a safe at her secret lair?” Heffernan then called to Jay Mootnik as he walked by and asked “hey, was that your tipi that caught on fire at the Rainbow Gathering?” Mootnik glanced at Heffernan before continuing on. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Scott Adams is an Idiot - Here's Why Hillary Will Win




There is a segment of cynics who see Donald Trump’s path to victory running directly through the default reptilian brain of a lame electorate. One of these cynics is Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert. Adams insists that Trump will win in a landslide because he is a master persuader, but Adams is operating on an old model. It’s like when people say “Americans vote based on their pocketbooks” and I have to correct them and say “some white Americans vote based on their pocketbooks.” That used to be enough to determine elections. It is not the case so much anymore. In the same way, some white people are susceptible to Trump’s brute strategy. 

Adams seems to be locked in a fantasy that the electorate is as culturally non-diverse as Dilbert’s office (which has more animals than black people). FACT: Black people exist and will not vote for Trump. FACT: Hispanic people exist and will not vote for Trump. FACT: It is not likely that a majority of women will vote for Trump. The math has already been done and in order for the Cheeto-toned conman to win, he must win a proportion of the white male vote that has not been achieved in recent history. Sixty-three percent of the white male vote no longer sweeps someone into the Oval Office. 

The Adams scenario also assumes that Hillary Clinton does absolutely nothing. Sure, it’s possible that she will decide to go on vacation from now until Election Day, but that’s not bloody likely. Admittedly, Trump presents some challenges as a brute, but just because Scott Adams may have been savaged by d-bags in his miserable past does not mean that d-bags are not vanquishable. Cynical Scott Adams believes that we are too animal-like to be moved by any rational answer to Trump’s barrage of bluster. He believes that Clinton's inability to appeal to our survival instinct will seal her doom. He is wrong. Unlike the characters in his comic strip, real people are not monolithic stereotypes. They are a little more complex and there are simple ways to appeal to their humanity. One of Clinton’s winning strategies is when she talks about her mother and how she was raised. Not only does it personalize her (which people seem to like), it also reminds other people of how their mothers raised them to be. Regardless of how many jerks are out there, how many of them were actually raised to be like Donald Trump – to lie, to mock, to bully, to boast? If Clinton frames the election around a picture of a mother’s best aspirations for her children, It will put the elusive ceiling on Trump’s success. Interestingly enough, the story Clinton loves to tell about her mother is how she was taught to stand up to bullies. I think that story will come out a couple times this Fall.   

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Politics and 24/7 News Mediocrity

Whether it's too liberal, to stupid, or too liberal and stupid, news channels all spend a good part of their 24/7 cycle sucking. Here's what some funny folks had to say about that. 



Trump Riots! Trump Riots!

Serial bankruptcy filer Donald Trump has said himself, that if he was not the Republican nominee, there would be riots!

Here's what some funny people think about that.




Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Rave Reviews for New AOTL Web Series - Finger on the Pols

"Concise political commentary without having to look at Megyn Kelly's stupid face." 
- Tronald Dump

"Finger on the Pols is definitely in the top 1% of my favorite political shows."
- Sanders Bernard

"I agree"
- Hilton Aryclin


 
"God told my wife to tell me to make Finger on the Pols."
- Raffy Cruise

"I will NOT be blocking THIS video."
- Mac O'Connell

"I only have positive things to say about this show."
 - Kajon Cermich

Friday, January 29, 2016

Obama's Coattails


Like other enterprises, a presidential administration is the management of limited resources towards the achievement of certain ends. One of those ends is public relations, an area the Obama Administration has been accused of neglecting. As Obama and company have plied away at healthcare, student loan reform, financial reform, green energy production, etc... a brigade of conservatives has been trying to squeeze his successes through their little collection of attack templates like a Play-Doh press - "It's going to kill jobs, it's a scandal, it's unconstitutional, blah blah blah." The fear felt by Obama supporters is the danger that some of this unanswered propaganda seeps out of the FOX vacuum into the political center which is where a president's approval is boosted or eroded. Instead of fighting a battle of noise, Obama's strategy has been to devote time and energy to getting more things done. Judging by some fair coverage of him recently which has classified him as a significantly consequential lame duck, he must have managed his resources optimally. 

In spite of attempts to chip away at American confidence in Obama, he maintains about the same level of approval he had at this point in 2012, the year he won reelection. Though he is prohibited from seeking a third term, it makes it easier for the Democratic hopefuls looking to succeed him and for once, those hopefuls aren't allowing themselves to be baited into running away from the Democratic incumbent. Sanders, Clinton, and O'Malley have boasted ample acreage of common ground between them and Obama. Also notable is Obama's confidence in weighing in on the candidates as he did in a Politico interview published earlier this week. The poli-terati fell over itself to report that the prez "put his thumb on the scale" for Hillary in that sit down. Actually, Obama spoke favorably of both candidates, but spent a little more time praising Clinton. And then the plot thickened.

Following the interview, Bernie Sanders had a highly publicized meeting with Barack Obama in the White House. While the genesis of the get-together was a mystery, one can infer that Sanders wanted to control any perceived advantage Clinton may have earned by elbowing into any proximity to Obama. Sanders emerged from the meeting giving a vague menu of the discussion and giving assurances that Obama was maintaining an even hand between the candidates. If Obama was any kind of damaged goods, this would not be happening. By contrast, Bush was interviewed by Politico in May of 2008 during the full swing of that year's campaign and the only candidate mentioned by name (and it was by the interviewer) was Hillary Clinton. Also, Bush's March 2008 endorsement of McCain was more of an exercise in bearing ritual discomfort than it was an anointing for the eventual Republican nominee. By the time the Republicans had their convention, Bush was so unpopular, he made his appearance by video link. 

So we have the candidates speaking highly of the president during the debates. We have the president speaking highly of both candidates and spending more time to lavish praise on the front-runner. We have the second-runner meeting with the president days later with ample publicity. This is historic. When have Democratic candidates been so eager to suck up to the outgoing Democratic president? It hasn't happened in my lifetime. There is, if you will, Oba-momentum (sorry) which, even if it isn't "felt" or quantified by the average middle-of-the-road American on a day-to-day basis, it will when the race heats up. 

I avoid making predictions for being made a fool by the myriad of unforeseeable variables. Then there are some rare predictions that I deem safe. One of those safe predictions is that at the upcoming Democratic convention, there will be a sitting Democratic president and a former Democratic president who will be treated to exceptional adoration. It had been the Republican goal to have gnawed away at Obama's standing by the end of his presidency. They have succeeded to an extent. The contrarian drone of FOX News does make its way out of the bubble creating a real world shift. FOX has also been complicit in fortifying Congress with Republicans whose positions would be threatened if they cooperated with Obama (and then blame Obama for not cooperating with them). Yet here we are. There are Democratic fingerprints all over his coattails which is quite extraordinary. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

For Hillary - A Second Iowa Freeze Out?



When Bernie Sanders announced his 2016 presidential run, I made the safe prediction that he would be underestimated. Touting the odds against a Vermont socialist was money for the 24/7 non-expert "news" chatterboxes because it meshed with the impressions of the casual observers, most of whom were not familiar with Sanders to begin with. Sanders is the latest politician to show that just because you're unfamiliar with someone does not mean they don't have juice. 

Less than a month from the Iowa caucus, Sanders has pulled ahead of Hillary Clinton in polling there. I have no prediction of who will win in Iowa. I really couldn't care less. The outcome is not worth the endless coverage it gets mainly because the first contest in the country doesn't have any notable track record for picking the eventual nominee (Rick Santorum, anyone?). The most value I get out of Iowa is how it can throw things into disarray at the last minute after months specualtive narratives. 

What makes me want to throw in my two cents at this point is how Hillary is choosing to fight back against her slump in the polls. She is slugging upward at Sanders with warnings that he wants to raise taxes to roll all of our health care programs into one. It's such a curious attack coming from someone who I sometimes believe is a cunning operative. It's strange to me because (bear in mind, I've never been to Iowa) Iowa Democrats strike me as somewhat sophisticated. They don't scare easily. Hillary Clinton should know this better than anyone else having been beat there before by young, new, untested (and not to mention, black) Barack Obama in 2008. In spite of this, she has chosen to try to win them over by branding Sanders as a tax-and-spend liberal, a tactic that is traditionally more effective on Republican and independent voters. 

 With this shift in attack, Clinton has brought upon herself more reason for voters to be skeptical of her. Declining numbers are a tough enough wall to scale, but how you claw your way back can make things worse. Her going after Sanders on health care only reminds progressive Iowans that Sanders is concerned about health care. This is not to say that this public strategy is not paired with some other behind the scenes siege. There's no doubt, she got ground game. It would be wiser for her to stick with that front rather than go after Sanders for being a progressive.

Friday, January 1, 2016

A look back at AOTL in 2015 - In pictures

Trying to ride the middle put his campaign in JEB!-erdy.


Opinions are like assholes... and so are these three because sometimes you can't believe the shit that  comes out of them.

Just wait 'til she uses that same server as president.

Go Trump!

It's so communist, even the leaves are turning red.

Super Soakers exempt.

Oh wait. Marco's allergic. Can we agree on a unicorn figurine?

Zzzzzzzzzzzinnnnnnnggggggggg!

It barely beat out "For Nothing, Against Everything."

Can you hear me now?

When Bobby said he had an announcement, he couldn't have been talking about his failed presidential bid.

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