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Friday, July 29, 2016

By the Way Secretary, Love the Suit


While accepting her party’s nomination for president Thursday night, reliable pantsuit sporter Hillary Clinton dished a daring take on her fashion staple with a sterile yet stunning turn. If the all white suit seemed reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter’s asylum orderly Barney from “Silence of the Lambs,” it may not have been a mistake. Clinton came out with a strong fashion statement and that statement was “Donald Trump is nuts, but I’ve got him under control.”

While the Republican Convention tried to hit home the notion that only Trump can keep us safe from danger, Clinton’s attire affirmed that only she can keep us safe from Donald Trump. It promised that come the day after Election Day, we will see the King of Con being escorted away to a secure facility, swaddled in restraint-wear with face mask, being pushed on a dolly that will be maneuvered by President-elect Clinton herself.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Trump to Fire One of His Kids if He Loses the Election


Republican nominee for president Donald Trump just made things interesting for the three adult children running his campaign. If he loses, one of them will be fired. In typical fashion, the sacking will occur following a special week-long edition of the real estate associate’s reality show “The Apprentice.” Four shows will weigh whether Donald Jr., Ivanka, or Eric was most responsible for a series of selected campaign high and low points. Early observers don’t see how Eric the youngest of the three stands a chance, but with three months left of the campaign, anything can happen.

Though the show will only air if Trump loses, The Trump Organization is already in preproduction on the show which they will sell to viewers on Trump’s soon to be launched video on demand service, Trumpflix. The candidate says it will be great. Believe him. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Putin: Trump Stiffed Us on DNC Hack


Russian president Vladimir Putin has come forward with a  stunning revelation. Not only did Russians hack Democratic National Committee emails, but they did it at the request of Donald Trump who in turn refused to pay them in the end.

“I knew it” screamed Putin through a translator. “I saw that Hillary Clinton ad about this architect Trump [expletive deleted] over and part of me didn’t want to believe it because we had already made the deal. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it!”

When asked why Putin agreed to arrange the hack, the former director of the nation’s successor to the KGB wiped his eyes and in a barely audible voice answered “we’re so broke.” He sighed.

“Oil prices are so low and then there are those stupid sanctions. Hacking is all we do. It’s all we teach in our schools. Every branch of government does it. At the DMV we are hacking. At our tourism bureau we are hacking. You get the picture. ”

As for the amount of the overdue bill, Trump refused to pay the Russians $327 according to Putin. As a means of recouping the loss, the Russian president said he would consider doing an ad for the Clinton campaign.

Poll: Rust Belt White Males Don't Like Being Called That

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A new AOTL/Tregor poll out today has revealed that nearly 99% of Rust Belt white males hate being called Rust Belt white males. From the mid-Northeast to the Great Lakes states, white males, particularly those whose incomes are tied to manufacturing are not keen on their convenient political moniker.

“There’s no good connotation to it” complains Tom Simpson, a Milwaukee contractor. “Whether you think that I, as a white male hold my pants up with a make-do corroded strip of metal or that I live in a place where people don’t know what waterproof paint is, I don’t come out looking too bright. Why don’t they call it the Flounder Belt. You catch great flounder here. Okay, maybe not that.”

Pep Mueller, a high school shop teacher from Cleveland takes his indignation one step further.

“It sounds like I should be in a zoo with one of those description plaques. You know, ‘Rust Belt White Male. Lives in a soon-to-be foreclosed house, drinks too much beer, tells racist jokes, lives an unhealthy lifestyle. They have prostate trouble. They’re so stupid that they can be hoodwinked by a tacky conman running for president. Their unemployed son’s been rebuilding the same damn ’72 Monte Carlo in the garage for 15 years,’ or what have you. Oh.” Mueller pauses to self-consciously remove his “Make America Great Again” baseball cap.

“I just wear this to be ironic. It’s a joke. And my prostate is just fine.”

In the small minority is Milo Cornish who says he loves the term.

“I say don’t get angry, get smart.”

The wiry 20-something college dropout holds up a piece of merchandise made by his small Bay Shore, Michigan clothing company. It’s a small neon pink t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Rust Belt White Male” in bold black letters.

“It’s a huge seller in Japan and the great thing is I can just keep ripping this stuff from the political headlines. We’re doing ‘white suburban mom,’ ‘child of undocumented parents,’ ‘college educated black woman over 30.’ That one is really popular for some reason. So yes, I love ‘Rust Belt white male.’ It’s making me money in the Rust Belt. Hey, I’m making lemonade!”

Some Reactions to Michelle Obama's Convention Speech



Senator Jeff Sessions (R - Alabama), Trump Supporter
"I have to say that I’m a little disappointed with the divisive remarks made by our First Lady last night. You know I wake up in a house built by slaves every morning too. But this isn’t the kind of thing you yell out on national television. That’s the kind of thing you might bring up at a dinner party or on poker night. Maybe even on a first date as sort of an ice breaker."

Chris Rock, Actor/Comedian
"I heard she toned the speech down. Originally she was going to say 'I wake up every morning in a house built by slaves, surrounded by armed men who I’m afraid can shoot my husband dead at any minute. Every morning after I wake up in my house that was built by slaves I tell my husband, no sudden movements and for God’s sake don’t reach into the waist of your pants!'"

Melania Trump, Businesswoman
"I heard she toned the speech down. Originally she was going to say 'I wake up every morning in a house built by slaves, surrounded by armed men who I’m afraid can shoot my husband dead at any minute. Every morning after I wake up in my house that was built by slaves I tell my husband, no sudden movements and for God’s sake don’t reach into the waist of your pants!'"

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bernie or Bust Stays Laser-Focused on Their Feelings

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Jay Mootnik licked his cold sore and shook his head in defiance. “If Bernie Sanders isn’t the president fighting for LGBTQ rights, I don’t want any LGBTQ rights at all”  said the 35 year old heterosexual outside the Wells Fargo Center as the Democratic National Convention began on Monday.

“I’d rather have no LGBTQ rights than have Hillary take the lead on this with her Wall Street money and her email server” he said sticking his thumbs in the shoulder straps of his “Bernie or Bust” tank top. “I’m so done.”

Mootnik is part of a discouraged progressive army of Bernie Sanders supporters whose hurt feelings are issue-one in this campaign. In spite of Hillary Clinton’s common ground with Sanders on many issues, so-called Sanderistas insist that from here on in, they will only support these issues if they are being marshaled by Sanders himself as POTUS. 

When it comes to immigration reform, Ivory White’s only option is Sanders.

“I can totally relate to the immigrant experience. My family came here on the Mayflower and with every ounce of my immigrant blood I don’t want to live in a world where Hillary Clinton’s finger is anywhere near the immigration button”  said the 28 year old self-described trust fund baby.

“I speak for all immigrants when I say it’s much better for illegals to be rounded up and deported en masse under Donald Trump than for us to trust that crooked Hillary Clinton, whose campaign is brought to you by Monsanto is going to do anything on immigration. “

There seems to be no issue on which Bernie or Busters would trust Hillary Clinton, not even voting access as Spencer Mayered helped make clear.

“I would rather use the Emancipation Proclamation, the 13th Amendment, the Voting Rights Act, and the Civil Rights Act, as kindling for a bonfire before letting black people be tricked into believing that Hillary Clinton who has made billions from investing in fracking will do anything for their voting privileges” said the white person. “That’s how serious I am about this.” Evans then turned 180 degrees, raised his arms and screamed “black lives matter” to no one in particular before resuming his game of Pokemon Go.

X Heffernan, a 68 year old midwife now goes by X because she was originally named Hillary. Heffernan wants nothing to do with Clinton’s name and nothing to do with her politics.

“If Hillary Clinton is president, you might as well have the Supreme Court stacked with 10 Anthony [sic] Scalias. What good is your constitutional right to a safe abortion when your president keeps a jar with Hitler’s heart in a safe at her secret lair?” Heffernan then called to Jay Mootnik as he walked by and asked “hey, was that your tipi that caught on fire at the Rainbow Gathering?” Mootnik glanced at Heffernan before continuing on. 

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