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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Trump Wants Lynch Mobs at the Polls in November


In another series of jaw-dropping stunts, Donald Trump has taken to deputizing his crowds as "poll monitors." It began in mid-August when Trump said the following to an Altoona, PA crowd:
"The only way we can lose, in my opinion, I really mean this, Pennsylvania, is if cheating goes on... I hope you people can sort of not just vote on the 8th. Go around and look and watch other polling places, and make sure that it's 100 percent fine... We're going to watch Pennsylvania. Go down to certain areas and watch and study, make sure other people don't come in and vote five times."
He also made the following remarks in Akron, OH on August 22:
"You've got to get every one of your friends. You've got to get every one of your family. You've got to get everybody to go and watch. And go out and vote. And when I say watch, you know what I'm talking about, right? You know what I'm talking about. I think you got to go out and you got to watch."
Even without weaving these statements in with other disastrous declarations by Trump, they have a noxious taint for so many reasons. Polls consistently show that Trump is losing in Ohio, and by even larger margins in Pennsylvania. So as it is, Trump is lying to his fans and anyone else that will listen. It's not novel for him, but Trump's lies are a new level of nefarious as his goal here is not just to mischaracterize his opponent as an election rigger, but to undermine his supporters' faith in our neutral institutions when things don't work out their way. It is a premeditated conspiracy theory that true Trumpeters eat up hook, line, and sinker.

Trump strategically avoided some specificity when talking about which voters needed to be watched, but there is some logical speculation that can be done to ascertain to whom he was referring and to whom his crowds understood he was referring. Hard as they may deny it, the Trump campaign has a strong draw among white people who harbor high levels of racial resentment (racists). It's why Donald Trump retweeted this faked crime data set from a nonexistent organization (Crime Statistics Bureau of San Francisco) below. Firstly, 100% of whites aren't being murdered as the picture suggests. Secondly, according to the most recent FBI statistics, 81 percent of white people who ARE MURDERED are actually murdered by other white people. The intent of this bogus graphic is to promote ABH or anti-black hysteria and to bolster racist agendas. Trump knows his audience.


Now, let's just parse some of his words in Altoona. "Go down to certain areas and watch and study..." The word that sticks out is "certain." It comes off the same way proper white grandmothers use the word "certain" when they don't want to specifically name the minority group or neighborhood of which they are expressing distaste. What "certain" areas is Trump talking about? If he wants those polls patrolled by his volunteer goons, he's going to have to reveal it some time, that is if he wants things to be above board and all.

As for his Ohio statements, Trump repeated the clause "you know what I'm talking about" as if he was indicating some level of intimate communication he shares with crowds he draws. It is very "wink, wink, nudge, nudge." There is very little ambiguity in the direction to "go and watch," but when you add on "you know what I'm talking about," that makes it totally ambiguous. Clearly he means something more specific than just "go and watch," but he won't say exactly what it is that he means because what he means is something way too antisocial to say in more certain terms. Let's assume he meant something like intimidating black voters. When he said it, some crowd members probably weren't really listening. Some probably heard it and were puzzled. Some probably heard it and were disturbed on some level. Some probably heard it and were all in.

Bear in mind, there are proper procedures for people interested in volunteering as poll monitors. We have gone through most of our election cycles with no memorable instances of conflict between monitors and voters. Hopefully, 2016 will go down the same way, but as so many people have been eager to crow, this is not a normal election year. The Trump influence has been one of net ugliness; his insistence that polls will be rigged, his tweeting of racist propaganda, plus his suggestions that "Second Amendment people" have solutions to stopping a President Hillary Clinton from appointing liberal Supreme Court justices. And then we've seen videos of black protesters being sucker-punched and violently group-shoved at Trump rallies. One of these assaults was followed up by an on camera death threat by one of the aggressors.

Of course, not all Trumpeters fit into one box, but it does not take all of Trump's supporters to make for something ugly to happen on Election Day. We have had armed hate mongers stalking a Phoenix mosque for no other reason other than the fact that the mosque was there. We have had armed White Lives Matter protesters rallying outside of a Houston NAACP office. Actions like these were taken without the initiative of any presidential candidate. What happens when hyper-vigilant, self-entitled, gun-toting white supremacists hear their candidate urge them to watch the polls in black neighborhoods, er... rather, certain areas?

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Open Letter to Trump From a Black Person



Dear Donald Trump:

In a recent speech to a predominantly white crowd, you portrayed the black community as one of complete devastation before asking African American voters “what the hell have you got to lose” in voting for you. It’s the perfect question posed by a casino operator to people who want nothing to do with the casino. As an African American person, let me assure you that as the polls reflect, “the Blacks” (as you called us until recently) are not interested in your scheme.

To bolster your case, you bellowed “No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton’s policies than African Americans. No group. No group.” Maybe that’s the way you see it. It is not the way black people see it. Black voters cast their support in terms of record and action, just like everyone else. I will show you just what black people see on a ballot with you going head-to-head with Hillary Clinton. I will break down your records and actions as it is known by people in and out of politics.

Hillary Clinton is known for her service. Childhood incarceration, school desegregation, legal access for women, education standards, and building functional communities are some of the issues Hillary Clinton has successfully confronted or written about. While a young Hillary Clinton was doing undercover work fighting against racial discrimination, you were employing racial discrimination as a business practice. You were successfully sued by the Department of Justice for refusing to rent to non-whites whom you broadly referred to as “welfare recipients.” Hillary Clinton has seen injustice as something to fight against. You have seen injustice as something from which to profit.

And then you have the unmitigated gall to claim the Democratic party takes black voters for granted. That is an insult to dedicated public servants such as John Lewis, Elijah Cummings, Yvette Clarke, and my own representative in Congress Karen Bass. In some instances they have risked their lives fighting for social justice and civil rights, but no one expects you to know that. After all, your new campaign CEO was most recently the Executive Chairman of Breitbart.com, a website that is critical and derisive to the aforementioned people and the issues they champion on behalf of their constituents. These issues include voter suppression, racial profiling, wrongful death of black males at the hands of police, sentencing disparity based on race, and gun sale regulations.

Claiming the Democratic party takes black voters for granted is also an age-old Republican insult to black voters. It implies we lack the capacity to act in our own best interest. It's like you think you are talking to the "welfare recipients" to whom you refused leases. Telling African Americans that the party whose platform most coincides with their concerns is taking their votes for granted has got to be THE worst sales pitch ever. Ever. Ever. 

As far as the issues that are important to us go, this is what we African Americans know. We know that Hillary Clinton is not responsible for lax gun sale laws or voter suppression, etc. We also know the standard Republican rebuttal to our arguments. We know your answer to gun violence is easier access to guns. We know that you want to equate early voting with voter fraud and so on. But we are not interested in wasting time debating these things with you because we already have a candidate who, for the most part supports our views and that candidate is not you. It is Hillary Clinton. 
Meanwhile you scream your angry pitch to black voters in front of white crowds who adore you and agree with the content they read at Breitbart.com. You are their man, with emphasis on the word “their.” To everyone else, we get that your pitch is a total con. We don’t believe anything you have to say. What the hell do we have to lose? Our question to you is “what the hell do you have to offer?”

Sincerely,

Chip Dornell and almost every black voter in America
p.s. It seems your business flourished in spite of you having to rent to "welfare recipients."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Intelligence Community Readies Trump's First Intel Report

Worried about the safety of our nation's most cherished and vital information on foreign activity in the hands of an undisciplined egomaniac, the U.S. intelligence community came up with a solution. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will receive assessments of his own intelligence rather than summations of our national secrets.

"This indemnifies us in the feared event Trump mistakenly shares anything within the report" said one official anonymously. "Anything he reveals in these reports is already public knowledge."

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

What to Say While Watching the Olympics with Grandparents



While the Olympic games have the power to bring us together, they can also accentuate our differences, particularly between generations. While the experience of watching the coverage with parents can range from to tolerable to enjoyable, witnessing this event can be challenging when in the presence of grandparents. Rio will put us at the provocative crossroads of multiculturalism and changing times that prompt seemingly involuntary comments from seniors. This list represents the statistically best possible responses to some of the most likely utterances you will hear from grandparents during the Olympics.


-Yes, Grandpa. That's what "junk in the trunk" means, but normally you say it about women.

- Because poker isn’t a sport.

- The white runners show up because they earned their place.

- Aunt Karen is that big. Does that mean she’s on steroids?

- It’s from cupping Grandma. It’s a sports therapy. It’s not from Zika.

- I don’t think you have enough hair for cornrows.

- I’m not politically correct, I just… let’s just watch.

- No, this isn’t contributing to the deficit.

- Her name is Ledecky, not Speedo.

- I’m just saying Brazilian isn’t a language.

- I’m pretty sure they don’t get shot if they lose. 

- You’re only missing reruns.

- Because I wasn’t that good at it Grandma.

- No, I don’t know what they say and I don’t want to know.

- The U.N. doesn’t run the Olympics.

- There’s no skating. It’s summer. Yes, I’m sure.

- No. They’ve never put on nice clothes for the medal ceremonies. 

- There are no East Germans anymore. It’s just Germany.

- She’s not on the Muslim team. There is no Muslim team. She's American.





Monday, August 8, 2016

NY Post Features Nudes of Clinton's Husband

The campaign of Democratic nominee for president Hillary Clinton has been thrown a curve ball after the New York Post published nude pictures of her husband last week. While photos featuring a political spouse in the nude might ordinarily be seen as scandalous, the Clinton campaign has pointed out that this sort of thing is normal in Mr. Clinton's native Arkansas. Mr. Clinton impressed audiences when he spoke for his wife at the Democratic National Convention.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Trump Operates Microwave Oven to Prove Nuke Literacy

As more people doubt his comprehension of nuclear weapons, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump operated a microwave oven on stage during an appearance in Topeka, Kansas on Saturday to prove his critics wrong. 

"I know more about nuclear weapons than everybody. Believe me" Trump bellowed. "I've been told by so many people, nuclear weapons people, that I know more about nuclear weapons than they do, okay" he continued as the crowed roared with approval. 

The real estate hustler then turned to the brand new prop oven with its door still taped shut by the factory and announced "I've been using this thing for years. I've nuked everything in this. Believe me." He then bent down to study the keypad before asking the audience "who wants to defrost some popcorn?" The crowd once more erupted in cheers of delight. He pressed a series of buttons before returning to the podium where he offered responses to a series of controversies dating back to his childhood. 

"This one guy from the third grade, the third grade, goes to the press and says I was a bully. You know what we do with people like that. We hit back at them hard. Then you look at what Megyn Kelly said about me. Oh boy. She's a piece of work." 

The prideful stream of consciousness was interrupted with a beep from the microwave oven. Trump paused to look at the oven before commanding "it's broken, get it out of here." 

At no point did the candidate address the fact that there is no relation between nuclear technology and microwave technology.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Clint Eastwood's Face to Replace Angry Facebook Emoji

At 86 years old, Hollywood renaissance man Clint Eastwood refuses to lose relevance. The iconic cranky face of such characters as Dirty Harry and Chair Talking Grouch will now become the cranky face of the Facebook "angry" emoji.

The idea came from the Facebook design team that began sending in-house work messages with the sour expression of Eastwood as a joke. The joke caught on and eventually, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg gave the go ahead to make Mr. Eastwood's face an official Facebook response option. In a deal with the actor/director, he will receive fractions of a penny for each time his image is used. While this alone removes the need for Eastwood to work another day in his life, he is currently editing a four hour feature on the story of how his face became a Facebook fixture. "Emoji" stars Christian Bale, Tom Hardy, Brie Larson, Rooney Mara, Mark Ruffalo, Kate Blanchett, Michael Fassbender, Matt Damon, Oscar Isaac, Jessica Chastain, Mickey Rourke, Jennifer Lawrence, and Bryan Cranston.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Ivanka on Sexual Harassment

Ivanka Trump found herself the topic of discussion this past week, but until now, no one has asked the businesswoman how she would deal with unwanted sexual attention at work. Ahead on the Left caught up with her Wednesday afternoon and asked her: "How would you react to being sexually harassed on the job?"

"That's funny" she answered. "That's the same thing they asked me at a job interview I just had with the Clinton campaign."

Putting Dad in a Home Just Got Harder for Trump Kids

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The three adult kids had all noticed the same thing. Their father had been declining gradually over the past 40 years. When they discovered him tweeting vitriolic rants in the middle of the night, they decided it was time to do something. They had to put him in a home. Surprisingly, Donald Trump agreed with Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, but he had conditions.

The kids heard out their father’s demands. The facility would have to be private. His security would have to be guaranteed around the clock. He would need a staff to wait on him hand and foot. Not only would it have to be free, he would have to make money on it. And he would need another plane. The great deal maker was making the deal of his life, and this time he was gunning for a spot in the most exclusive home in the country, the White House. Only the most competitive of people stand a chance to get in, but in spite of the onset of dementia, their dad was just as competitive as he had ever been. The only problem was how much his instability would be a liability.

At the onset, the family was discouraged. At the very first opportunity Donald Trump had to make a good impression, he meandered into a racist screed against Mexicans, peppered with disproven factoids. They braced for the worst, never imagining that his tribal irascibility would make him an early favorite for the spot. Once ashamed of Trump Sr.’s outbursts, they agreed to let Dad be Dad, a strategy that would allow them to sit back and watch their father coast to his spot in the coveted White House Home.

Then came the final phase of the process. The lunacy which had buoyed him for the first 12 months has now reverted to a burden. The residence he is looking to win is still a monument of national dignity and pride. As decision time approaches, the specter of an unstable subject around the nation’s sacred art, furniture, and nuclear detonators looms as too much potential for catastrophe. The young Trumps were unavailable for comment, but a source close to the family says they are losing their patience with their father. In one discussion, a son was overheard threatening, “if you don’t turn this around, we’re checking out a mental institution in Mexico.”

Harry Connick Jr. Named Guest Judge on Supreme Court

It began with a team building weekend at a Bowie, MD Hilton with the eight current Supreme Court Justices. The jurists sat cross-legged in a circle brainstorming ideas to boost morale. Since the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, the Senate has made the unprecedented move of refusing to hold hearings on any replacement named by President Obama. As a result, the court workload has increased.

In Executive Conference Room B, a symbolic gavel was passed to each justice as they pitched their ideas which Roberts wrote down on a whiteboard. Roberts coached that there were no bad ideas and reprimanded when some unpopular suggestions were booed. The gavel had made it around the circle at least once when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg suggested temporarily filling Scalia’s seat with a celebrity judge.

“The American people love that shit” said the diminutive liberal. “And it’s not like a stupid celebrity can’t do what Nino did, God rest his soul.”

And with that the gavel went around again. This time the goal was to generated a list of potential celebrity judges. A source close to the court who shared the account said that from a list of 20, ranging from rapper T.I. to actor Chuck Norris, the group of eight deliberated for an hour before deciding on singer Harry Connick Jr. whose judicial temperament was publicly witnessed during his tenure as a judge on “American Idol.”

Connick expressed his excitement in a statement issued through his agent. “I am a huge fan of the Supreme Court so I am humbled that they would ask me join them this season.”

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

GOP Demands Khans Say "Radical Islamic Terror"


Republicans who have backed Gold Star Parents Khizer and Ghazala Khan in their public feud with Donald Trump are now demanding the couple use the term “radical Islamic terror.”

“The Khans who are Muslim have had our utmost respect and admiration” said visibly sleep deprived Republican strategist Sean Spicer. “It will be easier to continue that respect if we hear these Muslims refer to the real enemy which is radical Islamic terror. We hear calls for Donald Trump make a presidential pivot. Why don’t Mr. and Mrs. Muslim Khan make an American pivot so we know they stand where we think they stand.”

In response,  Ghazala khan tweeted the following to the Republican party:
“…I’m from Pakistan and don’t need lessons on the enemy. As they say in the military, sierra tango foxtrot uniform.”


Monday, August 1, 2016

GOP: "Overturning Voter ID Laws Denies Our Right to Bamboozle"


After several recent court rulings striking down voting restrictions, Republicans have complained that their right to bamboozle is in jeopardy. As voting demographics change, the conservative group Committee to Lead Astray (CLA) has prompted state legislatures to furiously enact laws that favor Republican outcomes. Many of these laws are being challenged as quickly as they are being passed.


The Republican National Committee has responded in part with the following statement:
“These unfortunate rulings are a blow to centuries of American tradition. Hoodwinking blacks is the foundation of our nation’s character. It’s that struggle that makes us all better. If Blacks don’t feel like they’ve been took, led astray or run amok , we’re not living up to the wishes of our Founding Fathers. Ours is a system of checks and balances. Our right to hoodwink balances the Blacks’ right to be hoodwinked. We encourage all Americans to join us in regaining our freedom to bamboozle.”

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