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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Expert: Oz Covered Up Racist Bones in Trump's Body

When discussing the health of Donald Trump, supporters who are not avowed white supremacists boast that the Republican nominee for president doesn't have a racist bone in his body. According to experts, this is just not true. "No. Donald doesn't have a racist bone in his body. He has at least several racist bones in his body" says Dr. Irving Chao, an orthopedist at Johns Hopkins Hospital. "If you say things like 'we're building a wall, he's Mexican,' you at least have a racist jawbone. A normal jawbone isn't capable of articulating those sentiments." Chao did not stop there, citing that Trump's desire to kick out Hispanic immigrants would require racist bones in the legs and feet. 

The revelation came just as TV personality Dr. Oz held a televised consult with Trump to discuss the candidate's overall health. Oz admitted that he would avoid any topic Trump did not want to discuss which would ostensibly include his racist bones. Chao finds that omission unacceptable saying "it's virtually malpractice on the public interest. How many more racist bones does Donald Trump have in his body? It's one thing to have a racist jawbone, but if you have a racist backbone, game over. The people deserve to know."

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Vegans Quarrel Over Eating Boogers

Vegans, vegetarians who abstain from consuming any animal products are being torn apart by a new controversy. They can not agree if boogers have a place on the vegan menu. On one side, proponents claim that the human body continually generates waste products such as dead cells among others. Those that aren't expelled from the body are reabsorbed internally. "The fact is, we're already practically eating our own waste products, not to mention the boogers we eat unknowingly throughout the day" says Matt Sherman, a vegan and physiologist. "Eat a booger. Live a little." Add to this, boogers pack a potent dose of protein according to vegan booger eaters. 

In opposition to this view is the claim that voluntary consumption of bodily waste that is manually harvested with intent such as the booger counts as animal product and is thereby forbidden under vegan philosophy. In some places the debate has been taking up ad space. In Portland, Oregon one can see "if you pick it, you must flick it" billboards. The foot of one such billboard was the site of a recent protest where handheld signs proclaiming "I beg your pardon, stay out my nose garden" were seen. The American Vegan Congress is expected to address eating boogers or mucophagy  during its next session. 
 

 

Monday, September 12, 2016

Tim Cook Unveils Apple's "Best Sexual Harassment Policy Ever"

Apple employees sat in the company auditorium seeming more sleepy and preoccupied than curious over what was billed as a surprise announcement. At 10:30 a.m. the house lights went down. Missing was the applause that usually follows the dramatic opening of an Apple product launch. Through the darkness came a sustained synth-string note and the voice of Tim Cook crowing highlights and enhancements of the company’s new sexual harassment policy. “Streamlined process for making complaints. Option for rapid mediation between alleged offender and offended party. Dedicated digital counselor versed in all matters of sexual harassment.” The stage lights came up on Cook as the strings stopped. The CEO, dressed in black then announced “and it’s all integrated on the new iPhone 7!” The room sat quietly for two to three seconds until Cook prompted “you can clap now,” at which point most of the room united in tepid applause. “It’s another friggin’ sexual harassment seminar” one employee was overheard grumbling. In spite of the lack of enthusiasm, Cook pressed on, going into further detail as he would as if he were hawking a new device in front of engrossed press and investors. He saved what seemed to be his favorite new feature, Myrtle for last. “And finally, Siri might be spoken for, but she does have an older sister Myrtle who is our digital sexual harassment counselor. If you’re not sure if you’ve been sexually harassed, tell Myrtle what’s happened. Don’t worry. She’s heard it all. Also, if there is something you want to say to someone, but aren’t sure if it crosses the line, just run it by Myrtle to see what she thinks. Watch this.” Cook took out his iPhone 7, asked Siri to get Myrtle and then asked “Myrtle, can I tell Rajit Singh I’d like to hit that?” Back came an instant answer from Myrtle, but in Hindi to which the entire room burst into laughter and applause. Cook took the ribbing with a good nature, digging back “so you’ll clap at that. OK. We’ll get the engineers on that, right fellas?” With a finger on the pulse of the room, Cook segued into a rushed ending to the gathering. “It’s the best sexual harassment policy ever and there are donuts in each of your nearest break rooms” he said, waving his hand in a quick upward motion. Scores of workers then tripped up the stairs to the exits, prompting one more authoritative command from Cook. “Slowly. Slowly!”

Trump Changing Color Later This Year Due to Climate Change

There is no greater sign of autumn than Donald Trump changing colors. Every October, tourists flock to Trump Tower to see the face and hair of the famed conman show off brighter oranges and yellows. According to scientists though, you may want to book your travel later this year if your goal is to see the fooliage at its height. “Trump becomes more vibrant every fall because he begins to produce more of the compound asinine” says Northeastern University anthrobotanist Bird Berdan. “The asinine is triggered by the cooler air. So the longer it stays warm, the later fooliage season starts. This is a direct affect of global warming.” 

Donald Trump disagreed with the science, responding “they say this… look, the Chinese have… many smart people tell me, many smart people, the Chinese are making so much money on global warming and we’re just giving it to them, giving it to them. Give. Me. A break. And Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are handing over the checks because of their policies. It’s been. A. Disaster. A disaster. Look, people tell me all the time, I just had someone say to me ‘we never know when you’re going to change color. Sometimes you do it January, sometimes you do it in June.’ And they say this whole thing with Putin, the press is so dishonest, so dishonest. Hillary Clinton has lunch with ISIS once a week. And you hear nothing about it. Meanwhile, I gave billions to veterans and they jumped all over me, all over me. Very dishonest. Very dishonest.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Air Force One Loses Obama's Luggage


As a perfect bookend to a foreign trip that had a rough start, Barack Obama retuned from Asia on Friday morning only to discover Air Force One lost his luggage.

“Unfuckingbelievable” muttered the president as he banged on the door of the White House travel office . “They insisted I had to come in person to fill out forms. I couldn’t do it online. Now they’re closed for lunch. I can actually hear people in there” he said with his ear to the door.

In spite of rising approval in his final months, Obama has recently endured blows to his prestige, from insurers abandoning Obamacare exchanges to the Asia trip which began with Chinese officials screaming at members of the American delegation on the tarmac upon arrival. One official who chose to remain anonymous said that in Laos, the president spent much of his time in his room at the U.S. embassy in Vientiane.

“The last question he asked after we arrived was ‘do they get Netflix here?’ Those close enough to the president know that means he pretty much wants to be left alone for the next three days” said the staffer.

If Obama was expecting his homecoming to be a relief from the stress of travel, the luggage snafu threw those hopes away

“It’s not just a couple pairs of socks and underwear” said Obama to whatever traveling press gaggle that still lingered. “I bring all my favorite suits to choose from. Now I have to wear my fat suits. Then there’s the stupid gifts. I have to register a ‘I had a ‘Laos-y time in Laos’ t-shirt given to me from the Laotian president. I should have told him to keep it. I don’t have time for this shit.”

While waiting for the travel office to open, the president pulled out his Blackberry and said “What, do they think I don’t have Yelp?” He paused for a moment and wondered aloud “maybe I should wait until I get my stuff back.”

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Blacks Now Faking Trump Support Just to Keep Him Away

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The sharp criticism African American voters directed towards Donald Trump for trying to court them during his appearances in front of all white crowds may have backfired. In another shift in direction for the Trump campaign, the Republican nominee for president actually began making appearances in front of black audiences. The events have been described as "awkward" and "painful" by those in attendance.  


“Save yourself” said Darcelle Wynn of Detroit. “If you hear Trump is coming to your town, put a Trump sign outside of your church until you know he’s gone.”


Wynn who was initially critical of Trump’s overtures to the black community was present when Trump spoke at her church in Detroit last Saturday. 


“I’ll just say I’m spreading the word” said Wynn. “I don’t know what I was thinking, but if others can learn from my mistake then I’ve done my work.”


Whether it was Wynn’s messaging or not, Trump signs are appearing on the lawns of black churches across all battleground states, in some instances even where it is not legal. In Orlando, Florida, Pastor Ethelred Gaines had placed a Trump campaign sign on the lawn of his church but was given a warning to remove it.

“I pulled the sign up and sure enough, one day later someone from the campaign called” says Gaines with a youthful grin. “They said they wanted to know if Mr. Trump could visit with the congregation in a week. I paused and then I said ‘none of us have our driver’s license. We can’t vote.’ She said 'oh, it doesn't matter whether or not you can vote. It's not for you.' I said 'excuse me?' And just like that, the line went dead. Either way. Trump ain't coming here."

Gary Johnson: Other Candidates Should Smoke Weed to Level Playing Field


After totally spacing out on Morning Joe this morning, Libertarian candidate for president Gary Johnson blamed the sobriety of his competitors for his perceived obliviousness. Having been asked what he would do about the situation in the Syrian city of Aleppo, a bewildered Johnson responded "what is a lepo?" By the time any member of the Morning Joe panel could muster any response, the lapse of knowledge had become a viral headline.

While Johnson later apologized for his "total brain fart," he called on the media to pressure his opponents Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump into consuming as much marijuana as he has in his life.

"The game is rigged against a guy like me who's smoked weed all his life practically," said Johnson. 

"You're essentially rewarding the other guys for having clarity of mind to weasel out of the questions they don't know the answers to. If Clinton and Trump aren't incapacitated on THC, the American people lose."

Johnson went so far as to list what marijuana strains he would recommend for each candidate.

"For Hillary, I'd give her some Hindu Kush, Blue Cheese, or maybe even some Agent Orange. Trump is more of a Purple Urkle or LA Confidential guy."

When asked if Green Party candidate Jill Stein should get high as well, Johnson responded by asking "who is Jill Stein?"

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 9 More Weeks of Voter Apathy

Punxsutawney Phil, the prescient Pennsylvania marmot who is the center of Groundhog Day is expanding the brand! His sway is no longer restricted to matters of the vernal equinox. Phil, with his odd collection of ceremonial handlers will be lending his voice to autumnal issues by forecasting the level of public interest in politics during presidential elections. Typically, media desk-sitters predict that America's attention to a race for the White House is not grabbed until after Labor Day. This is based on the assumption that kids on summer vacation are so distracting that it is impossible to devote any brainpower to civics. Phil and company have entered the fray to make their own call for the fall. 

On Tuesday morning, the first day after Labor Day, Phil was put in a customized chicken wire maze on the stage and given his inaugural choice. Once placed inside, Phil could either go to the left or to the right. At the end of the left passage was a television screen with a five minute CNN segment featuring Wolf Blitzer. On the right was a bowl of Corn Nuts. Without even seeming to notice the blaring drone of Blitzer, Phil bee-lined to the salty treats with his dancing nose leading the way. 

The crowd paused over the crunching, unsure what prognosis to interpret until Punxsutawney Groundhog Club president Bill Deeley raised Phil above his head and proclaimed "nine more weeks of apathy!" The crowd roared.

Phil then squirmed and emitted base-toned squeaks until returned to his Corn Nuts.

 

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