September Racist-O-Meter

I’m just a country boy from Vermont so in the tradition of Calvin Coolidge, I’m no stranger to tackling tough issues with few words. One would think the explosive events of this September which have people in a state of racial edginess would be a challenge to my measured verbosity, but is there any adequate answer to a question as eloquent as “so that thing with Serena Williams, was that racist”? Not yet, anyway. So here I will sum up what has been racist or not racist over these post Labor Day weeks in a number of words that will not disgrace my Yankee traditions.


Serena’s Blowup - Blacks with impressive musculature like Serena and myself (hers is actually better than mine) have our public relations problems. Like the sinewy pit bull, we are assumed to have a higher level of aggression and irritability. When we walk into a room we strike a simultaneous rush of fear and excitement for we are equal parts ferocity and sexuality. If there’s a sudden noise everyone looks our way out of instinct because we either caused it or will have the most intriguing response to it. I can attest that having a little sculpting and toning as an African-American will put you under the microscope. But if you look closely, you’ll see just a person with the same breaking points as anyone else.


When Serena gave her tennis ball serving suggestions during the U.S. Open semifinals match, she wasn’t threatening an Asian lineswoman. She was threatening an Asian linesPERSON who happened to be Asian.
Rating: Buff as hell, but not racist


Kanye West and the Everlasting Meltdown (Episode 45: Bumrushing Taylor Swift)-
I think Kanye West doesn’t like country music and he probably spent the entire day watching the “Down with the Black President” parade on CNN. Just add booze and voila! Instant ugliness. This seems to have blown over, but just in case I’m sure his people are talking to Taylor Swift’s people regarding an awkward and possibly painful duet in the name of healing.
Rating: Racism probation


Joe Wilson - If anyone told me ten years ago that someone will shout in a single voice “you lie” to the first black president in the middle of that president’s address to Congress I would have guessed White Southern Republican. If anyone had been told that ten years ago, they would have guessed White Southern Republican. Please.
Rating: Racist, but it’s okay. He already knows.



We Hate Obama, Health Care, and or Black People Coalition Tea Party - In all fairness, the obvious racists at this encounter made up only a small portion of attendees. I guess that means that if a protester wasn’t toting a placard portraying Barack Obama as a witch doctor then we have no choice but to assume they weren’t racists. Foiled!


What is suspicious and what makes people think there’s more afoot than “outrage” at a health plan that isn’t even written is that all these Children of the Teabag didn’t magically appear until Obama was president. And there were no protests against health care reform when it was the Clinton’s albatross, rather, priority. These people seem so angry so early into the Administration of a new President. I myself didn’t start giving W’s motorcade the finger until AFTER his policies had proven to be failures. If these people just had patience, there is bound to be some plan of Obama’s that fails which they will legitimately be able to protest in the future.
Rating: Racist-curious


Beyonce - While her contemporaneous response to a rant from an inebriated rapper was all non-verbal, I can tell she was definitely thinking the “N-word” at least a few times.
Rating: Racist Of The Month



Illinois School Bus Riders -

1. Not racist
2. Not racist
3. Tad racist
4. Racist
5. Serial racist
6. Not racist
7. Archracist
8. Not racist
9. Not racist
10. Not racist


In the interest of full disclosure I kicked a white kid’s ass on the school bus about 35 years ago. I literally came up behind him and kicked him in the ass while he was looking out the window. Not very fair, but I wasn’t looking for a fair fight; I was looking to curb his new habit of spitting on me when I got off the bus. He was startled having not seen me coming and from then on, he accorded me nothing but good-day biddings and smiles. In the interest of further disclosure, I’ve been party to black-on-black conflict as well. One confrontation that stands out began in the fifth grade when a girl with tons of cousins falsely accused me of something petty. I found myself in a standoff with her cousin Ernest. Ernest either believed my innocence, secretly had a crush on me, or didn’t want a piece of me. We shot our pistols into the air and I now consider Ernest and me to be beefless. The family grudge was then adopted by Ernest’s sprier, thinner cousin Thomas. Though not a punch was thrown between Thomas and me, I fear the ambiguity of whether or not our business was settled. If we ever meet again, I’m thinking darts and an ale.


ACORN - The word itself is a slur among Venusians divided by class. On Venus, an acorn is someone who’s green on the outside, but white on the inside.
Rating: Extra-Terrestracist/classist


Patrick Swayze - Cross-dressed with Snipes. Played opposite Whoopi Goldberg in her Oscar-winning role in “Ghost” just like Clark Gable did Hattie McDaniel in “Gone With The Wind.”
Rating: A Regular Dr. Martin Luther King


Pancreatic Cancer - Most common in African-Americans.
Rating: Epidemiologically racist