A concise corrective commentary exposing the swindle of crooked conservative talking points, complete with humor and media aids.
A Legacy Already
Was It Karma?
WEEPER OF THE HOUSE by Ray Richmond
Things that make John Boehner cry:
--Baby ducks swimming in line behind their mother on a lake.
--The scent of rose petals.
--Watching Larry King’s final night on CNN.
--Moonlit walks on the beach late at night with his beloved (himself).
--Rainbows, puppy dogs and lollypops.
--Every rendition of “God Bless
--The daily memory of his humble roots.
--The feel of faux animal fur on his sensitive skin.
--Weddings.
--Bar Mitzvahs.
--“The Simpsons.”
--Lady Gaga.
--The bumps and grinds of a stripper at The Royal Palace on
--Television interviews.
--Other people named John.
--The sound people make when they mispronounce his name “Boner,” “Banner” or “Limbaugh.”
--Democrats.
--Republicans.
--Men.
--Women.
--Children.
--Sunsets.
--Sunrises.
--Halitosis.
--Estate taxes.
--The memory of crying fits from the past.
--All of those “P” women (Pelosi, Palin, Plinton).
--The heart-rending tale of the illegal immigrant who cleans his home.
--Borat.
--Pantomime.
Things that make John Boehner laugh:
--Children without health insurance.
--The feel of genuine animal fur on his wife’s ruddy skin.
--Parole hearings.
--Funerals.
--Due process.
--The excruciating agony of others.
--Unemployment.
--Drug-induced coma.
--“Schindler’s List.”
--The thought of global thermonuclear war.
--Divorce.
--The idea that he’ll soon be third in line for the Presidency.
--Hearing people say the term “Jewish holidays.”
--Sexual abuse of children through the clergy.
--Watching video of rogue cops beating people senseless.
--Bedbugs.
--Oncology wards.
--Hearing people whine about that BP thing.
--Teen pregnancy.
--Vomiting.
--Famine.
--Someone else’s misfortune.
--Dog fighting.
--AA meetings.
--The stench of rotting flesh.
--When smart people try to pronounce all them fancy words.
--Unexplained hair loss.
--
OK, I believe that my work here is done.
Stop Stealing My Lead-In Lines!
Fun Times
CTFD
Ooooo. Everyone is hopping mad at Obama and I admit so was I for about 20 minutes until I calmed down and put things into perspective. I also watched a little Chris Matthews which also helped. I am now way back in Obama's corner and getting tired of everyone pissing and moaning because rich people get to hold on to their tax cut for another two years.
Al Franken Points Out Who Has The Better Track Record
Bachman-King Overdrive
This week the House of Representatives voted to disburse funds for a settlement claim made by black farmers who were denied federal loans because they were black. It was passed with the help of 16 Republicans which in this political climate is a groundswell, but that bipartisan support was tempered by the subsequent behavior of the Republican race warriors. Michele Bachman (surprise surprise) accused the claimants of fraud and demanded an investigation. Steve King got up and cited a story of how one claimant named “Johnny” was actually an urban dwelling drug addict who filed for the money in the name of his father. Then he blamed Barack Obama for paying out these “reparations.” Was the story King told true? I’m going to go out on a limb and say no, he was just taking from the “say anything to make white people mad” playbook (ahem, death panels).
Frauds? Drug addicts? Reparations? The only thing missing from their screeds was the rampant use of the word “darkies” and intermittent tobacco spitting. What makes it more sickening is the $251,973 in government subsidies received by Bachman’s farm between 1995 and 2006, thank-you Wikipedia
Bachman and King are doing everything to represent the white people who are bent on the paranoid delusions of what
Hey Michele and Steve, your people are STILL winning. You are the Michael Jordans of making money and no one contests that. Just remember, while Michael Jordan was the best, he never tried to keep other players off the court. He was a classy competitor who raised the bar in a way that made the game more interesting for everyone. Why can’t you do the same thing? Oh yeah, because you’re mentally unstable racists. Sorry.
Sarah Palin Has A Word For It: Plagiary
Response To The Leak Of Diplomatic Cables
Why You Gotta Call It Black Friday? Oh, It's A GOOD Thing.
On Friday millions of Americans bum rushed the mall to get their hands on a limited supply of some crap, but in this year’s melee, no one died. According to the AOTL Almanac, when no one dies on Black Friday it means another six months of unemployment above 8.5%.
By all news accounts, Friday’s show of shopaholism was encouraging and I could not agree more. The amount of shopping activity indicates that those people with jobs are shopping enough to make up for the unemployed. It really is the spirit of the season.
The uptick in 2010 Black Friday sales was truly unexpected considering we’ve had economy so shitty the country was anger-y. Man, were they angry. They were so angry that three weeks ago they voted the Democrats out of the House of Representatives. Whatever the Republicans were promising it sure did work, and quick! The new Congress doesn’t even start until January.
Well, whatever made everyone so angry, it’s gone. It’s over. Everyone is happy and shopping. So the next time I feel angry I’ll vote for a teabagger and head to the mall.
God bless Americans.
The Others (re-edited)
Top 10 Alternative Titles for W's New Memoir
Chip's Fables
There must be some fable of Aesop where perhaps a chicken or turkey criticizes a wolf for not being a good wolf. The chicken tells the wolf that it should be strutting around a barnyard eating corn and laying eggs and crowing when the sun comes up. Then the wolf eats the chicken and says something Aesopian like “Aha! You do your best at being what you are, and I’ll do my best at being what I am. The moral would be something along the lines of don’t tell someone what to do if you have no experience in doing what it is that they do.
By my last count, there have only been 44
I defer to Obama because I consistently believe he is exceptional. When he is seemingly silent while Death Panel type lies abound I think to myself it must be for a reason. He must be choosing his battles. He knows this is chess. It ain’t checkers. He’s lining up his men to play the bishop’s fannypack or the double rook do-si-do. Right? Right? Barack? This is the calm before the ass-kicking, right?
Thinking about it too much does not help. One begins to overanalyze and ponder Obama’s motivation. Just like Bill Clinton’s fatal flaw was asking women out for a White House quickie, Obama’s could be his relentless cool. WHO KNOWS!
Chickens like me have to understand that the man definitely has a plan, in a manner of speaking. Realistically, he must have eight or nine. He is sharp enough that he probably knows what he wants his legacy to be, but unlike an unnamed predecessor, he doesn’t go around talking about it. Maybe he knows he’ll be the Jackie Robinson of presidential politics. He’ll be remembered as the one who played superior while the ones that tried to stop him at every turn will be scorned. When people look back at how his presidency coincided with the use of the filibuster as standard legislative procedure and how people took to the streets to protest his tax hikes after he had just signed tax cuts into law, they will understand just what a fucked opposition he had to deal with.
So for all those chickens yet to be hatched, they will get a fuller story after all the tell-all books have been written and the penitent Mitch McConnells who upon realizing they were going to die soon came clean on how they behaved almost like comic book villains in order to get back at Obama for ever being elected.
So if I know this to be the case, why do I Monday morning quarterback the Obamster? Because I want the satisfaction of seeing some comeuppance for the Fox slander job. And that is my agenda. Obviously it is not his. I guess that is why he’s president and not me.
Tiz The Sea-zen
I have a friend who I don't see eye-to-eye with politically who, I think, will laugh her ass off when she reads this. Two nights ago she forwarded me an email that appeared to have been sent from a friend of the "original recipient." In other words, it seemed like a third generation email from a friend of a friend of my friend. The gist was that Obamacare was going to force the writer of the email who has cancer to forgo their treatment and instead talk to an end-of-life counselor. It went on to describe how the sympathetic doctor who has no use for socialized medicine could do nothing about it. He then recited some facts about how people in Britain have to forgo placements of heart stents if they are under a certain age or something like that.
Rent's Not The Only Thing That's Too Damn High
Let's Be Consistent, Bill O'Reilly And Like-Minded People
Beck And Call
Grenier of "Entourage": I'd Like To Get Into Acting
Adrian Grenier of HBO’s “Entourage” has expressed interest in a new career – acting. “I’ve always been curious about it, but I guess I’ve also probably been equally afraid” said the twenty-something star in the same tones in which he recites lines as his “Entourage” character Vincent Chase.
Grenier is hoping his success on “Entourage” will open doors for him in
“Entourage” will begin its eighth and final season in Summer of 2011.
Trapped Miners Prepare To Return To Their Wives And Mistresses
After over two months, 33 trapped Chilean miners are mentally preparing to be reunited with the 104 women they left behind. In an interview conducted via wireless technology, the spirited singing and laughing seen only days earlier has been replaced by contemplation and perhaps confusion.
“They had originally said they might not be able to get to us out before Christmas” said miner Oscar Saldano. “It’s not even All Saints Day. What the hell? Don’t get me wrong. It’s going to be good to leave this place, but don’t screw with our heads like that. We made plans for Christmas and New Years.” When asked what those plans were Saldano replied “Hanging out down here.”
From over a mile beneath the earth’s surface, heavy machine operator Pedro Saenz lamented “I haven’t heard the sound of my wife yelling about my affairs in two months, nor have I heard my mistress nagging me to leave my wife. It will be sure good to go back to that” he said as he seemed to look over his shoulder before slyly tossing his wallet behind a rock. “We’re all ready to get back though” he continued. “They gave us these special sunglasses so we can face the sun, but what about earplugs.” After a long pause he assured “I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m joking. Really, I’m just joking.”
Mystery Money
AOTL's First (and last?) Political Cartoon
The Squishy Center
This picture is the personification of a phenomenon I refer to as the squishy center. No, I’m not talking about the middle of a Hostess cake treat or candy bar or 80s fad chewing gum. I am referring to about 50% of the American public who freely fluctuate on most items on the
To see how the squishy center behaves, we can track the popularity of gay civil unions for a span of time in 2003. According to
The convergence of these events proved to be too much gay. The proportion of the squishy center that had oozed itself into the “for” column for civil unions oozed back to the “against” or “not sure” categories until the hullabaloo died down. One would think that all of the other news would have encouraged anyone dipping their toes into the waters of this forward-moving stream. It would have accept the right-wing slander squad had done an adequate job of instilling the “floodgate” philosophy that once you support one gay thing the floodgates of the gay agenda will open and it will be your fault.
From that point to now, it has been a losing battle for the conservative regarding civil unions. The squishy center’s support began to cement when the hair of children failed to fall out and cows failed to pass curdled milk as a result of homos legally shacking up. As for the floodgates, the only thing they seemed to be holding back was news that Ricky Martin and that kid from “American Idol” were gay which we already knew. To date we have gone from civil unionery being an issue to having it become a non-issue as it has been replaced by the currently controversial gay marriage which will eventually become a non-issue within the next seven years.
Just as the squishy center settles as they find comfort with an issue, their support will fade once it is apparent things are not going well. Just prior to the Iraq invasion of 2003, the Squishy Center was glopping to and fro, wanting to find a way to support the Bush Administration, but only finding itself able to do so with conditions; we should invade Iraq after giving the weapons inspectors a month to finish their job, only after we have the support of the U.N., only if it is not an opportunity for a company Dick Cheney has worked for to bilk taxpayers, etc.
Following the outbreak of the war, any and all reservations the squishy center had were chucked aside. The
Backing Bush was a signature marker of the squishy center’s tendency to err on the side of the Establishment. As an orderly group, obedience is a strong component of their value system. The Establishment represents all of the things they were taught to trust and respect growing up. But just as they crave the approval of the Establishment, they don’t want to be judged poorly by history. They don’t want to be the anti-suffragists, the segregationists, the Lindberghs, and in 5 years from now they won’t want to have been the death panelers. At the same time, they don’t want to suffer the sting of being caught outside of the mainstream, just like in high school.
Barack Obama has based his priorities on what he knows of the
Though it’s hardly a watershed, 5% fewer people are “strongly opposed” to the health care legislation now than they were when it was passed. Health care and most other issues usually have a hardened core on the pro side and on the counter side. It can roughly be said that 25% of people initially lined up against the Iraq War, and for civil unions, and for health care reform, while another 25% lined up in lockstep behind the Iraq War, against civil unions (now gay marriage), and against healthcare reform. The squishy center represents about 50% of the people, non-scientifically speaking. Modern politics is about the pursuit of the squishy center. It’s why Republicans slander gays, and make up false weapons claims, and conjure up the notion of death panels. It is not to scare their own rock-ribbed 25% who are already scared into the Republican corner; it is to scare enough of the squishy center just long enough to pull a fast one. I say just long enough because if you have to tell such egregious lies about anything, you will eventually be found out. The squishy center always finds out they’ve been had by the right sooner or later. While they won’t go down in history as crusaders for justice, at least they won’t be remembered as the obstructionists.
AOTL Series On Race - Extra
AOTL Fun History - The Surrender At Appomattox
Sensing The Stimu-Lies
Why do Congressional Democrats even bother? Why would they support what’s right if they can’t even stand by their positions in the face of success? Why do they make things so much easier for the opposition by letting the Republic Party control the discussion by misrepresentation and lies? Take these following links to articles on the success of the Recovery Act or stimulus bill.
http://www.ajc.com/news/georgia-20-007-jobs-284885.html
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2010846442_recoveryjobs21m.html
http://money.cnn.com/2010/07/09/news/economy/stimulus_job_subsidies/index.htm
http://factcheck.org/2010/09/did-the-stimulus-create-jobs/
http://www.cbo.gov/ftpdocs/117xx/doc11706/08-24-ARRA.pdf
These articles all reflect how the Recovery Act created jobs. Not to mention the, the act provided tax cuts for 95% of working families. Any CPA can tell you that. But we don’t hear about the success of the stimulus coming from the people who passed it. We hear lies coming from the Republic Party in a successful attempt to discredit it.
Among the Republic complaints:
“We need permanent jobs, not jobs that will disappear when the Stimulus Package is done”
“The Stimulus Package has created debt and no jobs”
“All this bill has stimulated is dependence on the federal government”
“This stimulus package has done nothing to reduce unemployment”
“[This program] will provide much-needed aid during this recession by enabling businesses to hire new workers, thus enhancing the economic engines of our local communities." Wait. That was actually
Republicans overwhelmingly say it didn’t work, of course. That’s what the Republic Party is telling them to do.
Meanwhile Democrats lack confidence in solid Democratic successes. As a result, we will have people who benefited from the stimulus who will turn around and vote for the Republican just because the Democrat didn’t have the balls to run on their record.
What does the Republic Party know that Democrats don’t? If you repeat something enough, people will begin to believe you. If someone repeats a lie and there is no one there to counter equally with the truth than most people will go ahead and believe the lie. It’s called controlling the debate, but Democrats wouldn’t know anything about that.
No-Broehner
John Boehner is hoping to ride a wave of anger into the office of Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives which is nothing to laugh at and good for him. He’ll be two heartbeats away from the presidency and he will be a pretty powerful guy in his own right. This past week Boehner awkwardly presented to the American Public a pledge of what to expect with a Republican majority in Congress. The fact that neither Boehner nor his Young Guns could explain or expound on the contextual brevity of their pledge is a real harbinger of a whole bunch of nothingness to come out of a Republican controlled Congress.
Not that there will be a catchy name attached to Nancy Pelosi’s tenure as speaker such as the Sundress Speakership or the Gyno-Congress. She won’t need it. As the first woman SOTH Pelosi also goes down in history as one of the most effective, a feat that was more easily realized with a Democratic president. If Boehner replaces Pelosi, he risks being Gingrichized, as in Newt Gingrich. The Republican strategy in opposition is not to work together with the president where possible, but to oppose everything in hopes that the Democratic president has no successes. Though Boehner is credited with being a skilled negotiator and coalition builder, his recent efforts have been way more obstructionist.
With no indication that this would Boehner would change if he becomes speaker there will be little to mark his time at the top. Even when Gingrich had his Contract With America, it was Clinton who got most of the credit for whatever parts of it that did pass. Gingrich shot himself in the foot by making himself such a high-profile House leader. All it did was make it easier for people to discover just how unlikable he was. While Boehner may be a tad more tolerable, he does not really have a plan besides the vague mission of cutting taxes and lowering spending.
When the economy turns around to the point where people can feel it, the credit will go to Obama, not Boehner and the Republicans (unless Obama cedes the narrative which is possible). Legislatively, there is not much more for the Republicans to block. Obama passed his signature acts while he could take advantage of his majorities in Congress. Now he’s taking out his veto pen in light of Republican threats to undo his agenda. So get ready for at least two years of a do-nothing Congress again. Obama won’t mind. With Congress essentially out of session he could spend that time on his reelection campaign. Good luck John!
Keep It Simple, Stupid For The Holidays
How Did It Come To This?
Blogger From Another Mother
A Premortem Post on Christine O'Donnell
A few years ago, Intelligent Design was promoted by a conservative think tank as a makeover for Creationism. The Adam and Eve story was having some setbacks in focus groups when it was decided to give Creationism a new look with Intelligent Design which took the focus off Adam and Eve and instead hyped an explanation that sounded something like this: "Come on. Science didn't make people. An intelligent designer made people." As part of the sales package Intelligent Design would be billed as science to make it even more competitive with Evolution with all of its forensic evidence and proof. All of a sudden there was new energy and enthusiasm in the ranks of those who refudiated Evolution. There was something new to rally around. Everybody knows that new stuff is better than old stuff. For a while anyway.
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In a bombshell announcement, Fox News host Sean Hannity claimed to have the name of an adult film actor who might have been sexually lin...
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Vegans, vegetarians who abstain from consuming any animal products are being torn apart by a new controversy. They can not agree if booger...