WEEPER OF THE HOUSE by Ray Richmond

Things that make John Boehner cry:

--Baby ducks swimming in line behind their mother on a lake.

--The scent of rose petals.

--Watching Larry King’s final night on CNN.

--Moonlit walks on the beach late at night with his beloved (himself).

--Rainbows, puppy dogs and lollypops.

--Every rendition of “God Bless America” at every sporting event in America.

--The daily memory of his humble roots.

--The feel of faux animal fur on his sensitive skin.

--Weddings.

--Bar Mitzvahs.

--“The Simpsons.”

--Lady Gaga.

--The bumps and grinds of a stripper at The Royal Palace on Connecticut Avenue in D.C.

--Television interviews.

--Other people named John.

--The sound people make when they mispronounce his name “Boner,” “Banner” or “Limbaugh.”

--Democrats.

--Republicans.

--Men.

--Women.

--Children.

--Sunsets.

--Sunrises.

--Halitosis.

--Estate taxes.

--The memory of crying fits from the past.

--All of those “P” women (Pelosi, Palin, Plinton).

--The heart-rending tale of the illegal immigrant who cleans his home.

--Borat.

--Pantomime.

Things that make John Boehner laugh:

--Children without health insurance.

--The feel of genuine animal fur on his wife’s ruddy skin.

--Parole hearings.

--Funerals.

--Due process.

--The excruciating agony of others.

--Unemployment.

--Drug-induced coma.

--“Schindler’s List.”

--The thought of global thermonuclear war.

--Divorce.

--The idea that he’ll soon be third in line for the Presidency.

--Hearing people say the term “Jewish holidays.”

--Sexual abuse of children through the clergy.

--Watching video of rogue cops beating people senseless.

--Bedbugs.

--Oncology wards.

--Hearing people whine about that BP thing.

--Teen pregnancy.

--Vomiting.

--Famine.

--Someone else’s misfortune.

--Dog fighting.

--AA meetings.

--The stench of rotting flesh.

--When smart people try to pronounce all them fancy words.

--Unexplained hair loss.

--Afghanistan.

OK, I believe that my work here is done.