The military appears to be on track to lift the ban on gays serving openly in the service. While this is a nonissue for some members of the armed services, others believe it will be harmful to our nation’s defense. Here are some answers to frequently asked questions by those concerned service members.
Q. If I serve alongside gay soldiers won’t people think I’m gay too?
A. People don’t think you’re gay because of whom you serve alongside. They think you’re gay because of your panicked obsession with gayness.
Q. How am I supposed to keep track of which members of my unit are gay?
A. Blow them. If they let you do it there’s a ten percent chance they’re gay.
Q. Where will gay members of my unit shower?
A. They will shower next to you just like they did this morning.
Q. What am I supposed to do when one of them violates a code of conduct with me?
A. They will undergo the same disciplinary procedures you went through when you were drunk and improper with women on your base.
Q. Won’t we have to go through a whole bunch of training to be sensitive to gays now?
A. No. That’s the great thing. You can still be an asshole with your asshole friends. Or not. It’s up to you.
Q. I’m not taking orders from a homo.
A. That’s not a question, but yes you will.
Q. Why isn’t anyone concerned with my feelings on the matter?
A. Feelings? What are you, gay?
Q. What if I refuse to serve with gays?
A. Back to prison for you.
Q. Why do gays even want to join the military?
A. There are three answers to this question. Gays want to join the military because:
1. The recruitment ads are sexy
2. It’s an opportunity to be in a same-sex environment
3. Sometimes options for gay people run out too.
Q. Won’t enemy forces look at our gay troops and see it as a sign of weakness?
A. Are you talking about gay enemy forces or straight enemy forces?
Q. If I serve alongside gay soldiers won’t people think I’m gay too?
A. People don’t think you’re gay because of whom you serve alongside. They think you’re gay because of your panicked obsession with gayness.
Q. How am I supposed to keep track of which members of my unit are gay?
A. Blow them. If they let you do it there’s a ten percent chance they’re gay.
Q. Where will gay members of my unit shower?
A. They will shower next to you just like they did this morning.
Q. What am I supposed to do when one of them violates a code of conduct with me?
A. They will undergo the same disciplinary procedures you went through when you were drunk and improper with women on your base.
Q. Won’t we have to go through a whole bunch of training to be sensitive to gays now?
A. No. That’s the great thing. You can still be an asshole with your asshole friends. Or not. It’s up to you.
Q. I’m not taking orders from a homo.
A. That’s not a question, but yes you will.
Q. Why isn’t anyone concerned with my feelings on the matter?
A. Feelings? What are you, gay?
Q. What if I refuse to serve with gays?
A. Back to prison for you.
Q. Why do gays even want to join the military?
A. There are three answers to this question. Gays want to join the military because:
1. The recruitment ads are sexy
2. It’s an opportunity to be in a same-sex environment
3. Sometimes options for gay people run out too.
Q. Won’t enemy forces look at our gay troops and see it as a sign of weakness?
A. Are you talking about gay enemy forces or straight enemy forces?
This should be required reading -- prefaced by an official spit-take alert, of course. Absofrickin'lutely brilliant. Rest-assured I'll be sharing it. Does that make me gay?
ReplyDeleteDo you mean flapper gay or teabag gay?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCan't I like both (and I mean the *real* meaning of tea bag)?
ReplyDeleteLet's not forget the most important question, that is, "What do I do if a gay smiles at me while full frontal?"
ReplyDeleteA. Don't smile back unless you think he's hot.
ReplyDeleteA comment left on my Facebook page by a friend who read and appreciated your FAQ:
ReplyDeleteIn your response to your post about gays in the military -- a headstone in Congressional Cemetery in Washington, DC, that poignantly illustrates the twisted ironies of living in a hypocritical society:
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=2660