My Advice As An Armchair Layman On This Whole Oil Fiasco

Maybe it was the effects of man’s disregard for the planet that made Neil Armstrong such a space nut from the beginning. Maybe the real secret story about the first moon landing was how Buzz Aldrin had to drag Armstrong back onto the Eagle kicking in screaming for the return flight home. Maybe this oil leak is what has him gently frothing about our need to get back to the moon.

I feel you Neil. It’s not enough that the oil industry so crookedly jacks up the price of petroleum. Now they’re expanding into jacking up the price of seafood. Pretty soon you’ll only be able to get fish sticks in fancy restaurants.

But Neil, this is the perfect reason why we shouldn’t be jetting your old bones up to the moon at this juncture. We should probably use that money to patch this hole in the sea floor that is gushing carcinogenic goo into our precious saltwater first. I think that someone is supposed to be fixing it though I’m not sure if that is happening. May I suggest you cut a deal with Obama; tell him you’ll use your NASA know-how to go down to the rupture and patch her up. In return you get a one way launch to the celestial body of your choice.

I could be underthinking it, but if astronauts can fly around space 360 miles above sea level fixing complicated telescopes, we can train a meranaut to patch a hole one mile below sea level. A couple O-rings and a roll of space tape should do it.

That leaves the problem of the remaining oil slick, but I’ve got an equally simplistic solution that came to me in a moment of inspiration. The other day I wondered of the spill “WWJD” or “what would Jed Clampett do?” I think he’d figure out who that oil belonged to and if no one claimed it he would get a boat and an improvised vacuum cleaner then move to Beverly, Hills that is. I’m no expert in the laws of fluid dynamics but I know from making gravy (yes, from scratch) that oil based things and water based things don’t readily mix. Why isn’t anyone skimming up the oil? Shrimp boat captains? “Deadliest Catch” captains? I think I found you a much less deadly catch. They might have to change the name of your show to something like “Gulf Oil Skimmers” or “Oily Jobs” though. Takers?