Humbly Fighting A Resurgence Of The Past

Barack Obama is not as boastful as you would think a president trying to hold on to a Congressional majority would be. I’ve previously discussed his peculiar refusal to mention the tax cuts he signed into law as part of the Stimulus Bill. Now Obama is seemingly opposed to drawing any attention to our continuing victory over pirates. Last week U.S. marines boarded a German ship that had been pirated off the Somali coast and retook the vessel without losing a single crew member or chest of jewel encrusted treasure.

It is not just the pirates either. Since Obama took office the Justice and Defense Departments have been working together closely in a new program called VOYAD or Villain of Yore Abatement Drive. The goal of the program is to bring to justice old-fashioned baddies including, but not limited to: reprobates, evil geniuses, rogues, and gunslingers.

Reports of successful campaigns in this drive are excerpted below.

Desperados At Los Angeles International Airport Thwarted by ICE Agents

The largely Spanish-speaking desperados halted the airline during takeoff. According to passengers they appeared from both sides of the runway riding alongside the plane on horseback shooting their pistolas into the air until the plane came to a halt.

“They started shooting through the plane until I opened the door” said co-pilot Joseph Serimpo. “They said that they had tickets and they would show them to us once I let them on the plane. I knew that probably wasn’t true, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

Once on the plane the men slowly made their way through the aisles collecting wallets at gunpoint, a task made awkward by their huge sombreros.

“I wanted to say ‘take your stupid sombreros off! What are you stupid?’ but at the same time I didn’t want to aid or abet them in any way” said passenger Abel Longstreet.

Reign Of Terror Over For Gang Of Rapscallions In Trafalgar Square

The recent economic downturn has been blamed for the sharp increase of rapscallion activity in and around London where the hooligans of distinction as they call themselves have been posing a threat to Brits and tourists alike. Hesitant to publish travel warnings against such a close ally as England, the Obama Administration has dispatched FBI agents to assist British police with their anti-rapscallion measures.

“It’s always good to help our friends abroad solve crime” said Jean Javert, a spokeswoman for the FBI. “This was a group of real rascals. They are armed with swords with a wispy thin stylus for a blade. American nationals have suffered welts, broken skin and even an infection in one case. Americans traveling in London are still warned to be on the lookout for any remaining rapscallions at large usually identifiable by their luxurious capes and drawstring shirts.”

Apprehension Of Cyclops Terror Ring Vindicates Obama’s Creation of Bureau of Cyclops Intelligence

The arrest will put an end to a series of atrocities including abductions of pets and children, bringing relief to thousands of terrorized citizens. But Cyclops Tak Yamamoto sees it another way. “This is our holocaust” he explained through a translator. “We eat pets and children. And I got kids. What they gonna eat?”