"Thank-you very much. You know what it says when so many important journalists from the 24 hour news cycle can get together in one room at one time in a week where there has been so much news? You're all replaceable.
Seth Meyers took a night off from his regular job to be here. Hear that America? "Saturday Night Live" should actually be funny tonight.
Seth, every week we watch you amuse yourself by making a joke out of world events and the media in general. Your segment includes a lot of characters who make a mockery of themselves and you do it all with a shit-eating grin but don't be so proud. You only do it for ten minutes once a week. Fox News does it 24/7
Barack Obama has a bone to pick with some people in this room tonight. Those people all think that it's the bone he pulled from his father's nose.
Most people would crap their pants being in the same room with so many detractors, but not Barack Obama. He's been potty trained – with the help of Affirmative Action, of course.
John Boehner didn't show up tonight. He's probably still trying to explain why he voted to continue the F-22 fighter the Pentagon wanted to scrap. John, when your last name looks like the word 'boner' there's no need to explain your support of long hard objects that shoot things.
John Boehner is busy this year with all the Republicans in the House of Representatives running, not for office, they're running from Paul Ryan's budget bill.
Congressman Darrell Issa is here. He started out the year strong, promising to investigate the most corrupt administration in our nation's history, but he's stalled. Seems its easier to find Osama bin Laden these days than it is to find George W. Bush.
Meanwhile it's expected that President Obama will raise a billion dollars for his reelection bid. A billion dollars just so he could win, and get back to telling us how broke we are.
When you look at it, a billion isn't really that much. It's about a dollar for each contributor to the Huffington Post.
Apologies to Donald Trump who won't get a chance to speak tonight. Earlier this week he gave some remarks that were seen by many as offensive. Apparently the only F-word Trump has trouble with is fact-checking.
Trump's made some bizarre choices this week which might have some long lasting implications on his future which brings me to my final joke of the night: What's the difference between Donald Trump and Prince William? No one gets up in the middle of the night to watch Trump ruin his life.
Thank-you. Try the fish."
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