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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Conservative Hit Message Pt. 2 Revisited

Though it is clearly dated, this little number I made four years ago still cracks me up. In that way it's just like "The Andy Griffith Show." Actually, "The Andy Griffith Show" is a little more timeless than this video. What-evs.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Yes, the Republicans Are Completely Out of Touch




How far out of it is the modern Republican/Tea party? Listen to yet ANOTHER administration veteran from the Reagan-Bush1 days. 







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More From The Michele and Sarah-Pedia

I'm happy for the reception received by the quick glimpse I gave of the "Sarah-Pedia." It really would have sucked if no one thought it was funny, but since it was so appreciated I am continuing to share more segments before people lose interest. It is, after all relevant to everything else going on. The spotlight is growing on Fox News for their Palinish tendencies. John Boehner, Jon Kyl et al sound very Bachmannish in defending their political beliefs, to me anyway. So why aren't I writing a book that reflects the lying inclinations of the entire Republican party? The answer to that is that I find it best to keep a focus on the two people who are the champagne of conservative distortion. In this way it reflects the best of what the party has to offer when it comes to lacking character.

The Alamo as it appears today.

THE ALAMO
So many countries fought for control over ancient Texas. France fought Australia, Egypt fought Sweden, and so on. Whoever controlled Texas controlled the Alamo, a Texas fortress in whose basement was hidden the lost treasure of El Dorado. To protect the Alamo against the foreign invaders many people pitched in to defend it including Paul Bunyan and Bob his blue yak, Jack Daniels, Johnny Appleseed, and Mike Pocket, inventor of the pocket knife. For forty days and forty nights the fighting continued until the foreign invaders were no more. As the foreigners retreated, America wanted them to remember their defeat so they shouted after them this famous line, “don’t mess with Texas!”


THE MEXICAN WAR
Since the time of Columbus, illegal Mexicans made up the majority of the population of Texas. Though the Mexican president promised America he was partner in securing the border, he himself was later caught sneaking into America with his family. With no other choice, America finally declared war on Mexico and forced them to take back all Mexicans, illegal and otherwise.
Did you know: Every year there are more illegal Mexicans born in the United States than American babies?



Harriet Tubman teaching slaves how to commit voter fraud as they head North.

HARRIET TUBMAN AND THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD

Harriet Tubman was a slave born with an instinctive sense of direction that no human could surpass. She was hired by the abolitionists to lead slaves to the North so they could vote Democrat. The problem was that slaves suffered from low voter turnout and the plan failed. With the money Harriet Tubman and the abolitionists got from the Democrat Party, they built the Underground Railroad to sneak slaves to illegal freedom. In many cities the underground railroad still exists shuttling African-American commuters back and forth to the unemployment office since Democrat policies keep black unemployment so high. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Michele and Sarah-Pedia: American History Made Right

This debt ceiling debate is so 1995. Total schwank. I've cut back on watching the news and have been amusing myself instead with the thought of Palin and Bachmann collaborating to pen an American history textbook. It would be an entire volume filled with non-events being told in that improvisational stream of "consciousness" that have made Palin and Bachmann poster-people for flunking history. Rather than sit around and wait for those two to fulfill this dream, I thought it would be productive and entertaining if I adopted their voice and just wrote it myself. So with no further ado, here are the first excerpts from "The Michele and Sarah-Pedia: American History Made Right."

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS
America was invented by Christopher Columbus when the king and queen of Spanish wanted him to teach everyone that the earth revolved around the moon while bringing back spices from India. Columbus set sail for his voyage around the world with his three ships, the Santa Maria, the PiƱa Colada, etc. When arriving in America he met the Indians who had been waiting so long to be discovered. They were ecstatic that someone would finally lead and organize them and bring much needed jobs so they could buy clothes with which to cover themselves and get their first taste of liberty. Columbus was fired by the king and queen for never getting their spices.

EXPLORATION
After its discovery, America had to be explorated. This was a job for our American explorers. Was America big? What other cities and towns were there? Who were those guys on Mount Rushmore? Finding the answers to these questions was the job of these brave men. Many explorers like Jacques Mississippi and Alphonse New Hampshire named the places they explored after themselves. Once the exploration of America was complete they drew boundaries like the one we have with Mexico. Noticing people spoke Spanish there, our explorers thought it was the perfect place to put up a boundary and declare it a foreign country.
Extra Credit: Which explorer is the state of Washington named after?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Brokeback Mountain of Debt (ha ha, get it?)

Just thought this Ron Paul ad was kind of funny. It's not just the picture but the fact that the Ron Paul campaign, or Mrs. Paul as it is formally known, has mastered Photoshop well enough to have worked for the Enquirer in the 80s. Still, she's better at photo editing than she is at making fishsticks. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Betty Ford Center of Little Attention

OK. She's no  Michael Jackson. People will not line up to mourn on avenues around the world. But why is former first lady Betty Ford getting the Rodney Dangerfield treatment by the press following her death at the age of 93? Here is a snapshot of some of the online coverage of Ford's passing. Look closely and squint if you have to.


The most trusted source in news, or whatever CNN calls itself doesn't trust that a lot of people care about BF. She is filed under "latest news" following up the story of a fire at a Rihanna concert. The Groupon ad gets over ten times the coverage area. Shame.


MSNBC Files Betty Ford's death under "other top stories." The big picture of the day goes to Jeter. 


Surely Fox has reserved a prominent spot for a former Republican first lady, right? Well, maybe not for a Pre-Reagan Republican. Here she gets two lines of fine print on the homepage. That's something.


ABC News takes home the chicken dinner in this news derby. Ford is featured in a moving photo and a link to video coverage. This is definitely grading on the curve considering her significance. She had the shortest tenure as first lady, but one of the greatest social impacts publicly fighting breast cancer AND a booze/pill addiction. While her husband enjoyed the distinction of being the first sitting president to be lampooned on "Saturday Night Live" no one took any cheap shots at Betty Ford. As Atticus Finch might say, it would have been like killing a mockingbird.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Pinnacles: Newsletter for Today's World Leader - July 2011

HELLO, SOUTH SUDAN
Pinnacles would like to welcome Salva Kiir to the roster of world leaders, having become the first president of the Republic of South Sudan. Today there are celebrations in Juba, the new capital, but Kiir may want to get to work soon. There's a lot to do in the country NBC news calls "one of the poorest and least developed places on Earth," but that may just be a temporary situation. According to their website www.southsudan.net/, South Sudan's got oil so even if they don't get rich, they will still be popular!


LIBERIA'S ELLEN JOHNSON SIRLEAF NAMED PINNACLES MOVIE REVIEWER
Six of her ten favorite movies feature Dustin Hoffman. She can't stand wearing 3-D glasses. She doesn't mind talking during movies. These are three facts about Liberian president and movie buff-in-chief Helen Johnson Sirleaf who beat out Iran's Ahmadinejad and Finland's Katainen to replace Egypt's Mubarak as Pinnacles' resident movie reviewer. She says she can't wait to get started. She is looking forward to writing her review of "The Hangover 2" which does not open in Liberia for another week, but she had the opportunity of viewing as a guest of British Prime Minister David Cameron. 

Choosing the Right Friends

The jig has been up at Fox News for a while now. As Ron Reagan said today on the "Hardball" program, Fox makes things up. Pictured here is a lynchpin in the Fox delivery of false information, the crew of "FOX & Friends." They are Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, and Brian Kilmeade. Kilmeade is the one who once opined "not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim." For some reason Fox decided Kilmeade went too far and had to take back the statement. Then he went back to only telling falsehoods as written by the producers, kind of like what the gang is doing below: 


 Media Matters has debunked this nonsense, but the damage is done.  The unquestioning viewers of F&F will go about their day calling into Rush Limbaugh with this lie or just go repeating it to equally unquestioning friends. 


Well, here are my questions. If what they are saying is true, shouldn't Doocy, Carlson, or Eric Bolling (in for Kilmeade) be demanding an investigation? Shouldn't they at least be interviewing someone from the Congressional Tea Party Caucus to get to the bottom of this? Shouldn't they be using the word illegal? It would seem so, yet after bloviating about what should be considered highly fraudulent activity, Gretchen Carlson just let's us go away to "ruminate on that story."


I call bullshit. If a friend told you your nearest downtown was on fire, but there were no calls made to the police or the fire department, not even from the friend that's telling you the news, that friend is lying. Your friend is a liar. And is a friend who lies really a friend? Yes, if you choose your friends poorly. 

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