Why I Hate People #374 with guest writer SHELLEY TREGOR


I know it isn't only older folks who do this, but it sure does seem to be common among those of my relation and acquaintance: Why do senior citizens seem to think it is okay to comment on the racial make-up of the crowd at a meeting or restaurant or other gathering, particularly when the predominant race or ethnic group represented in the group is different from that of the commenter? And why won't they take silence as a proper response?

Here's what I typically do:
If the commenter is a friend or relative of mine, I will let that person know that I am not interested in hearing such "observations" and I will tell them nicely - but specifically - why I find such remarks troublesome or offensive. If, however, the commenter is either a random person nearby (and you'd be surprised how often this seems to happen) or someone of only tangential acquaintance, I will look at the commenter for a long moment, partly to make sure I have correctly understood the intent of the remark and partly to make it clear to the person that I heard what was said, and then I will turn my eyes and attention elsewhere. I will simply be silent; I avoid even an "mm hmm" or "uh-huh" for fear that either could be perceived as tacit agreement or complicity in the views of the commenter. I do not actively change the subject. I'd rather there be silence in an effort to indicate that I am pointedly not responding versus simply glossing over a potentially awkward moment by moving the conversation (and, thus, the person's attention) elsewhere.

First off, does this sort of thing happen to you, too?
Do you notice certain categories of people (by age, urban/suburban, socio-economic background, religious background, college-educated vs. not, geographic history, etc.) doing this more often than others?
If it does happen to you, what do you do?

4 comments:

  1. OMG! This summarizes my first meal with the inlaws! I chalked it up to generation differences, theirs being allowed to acknowledge diversity more than mine (albeit with less than pure overtones!). I just accept and keep going, not hoping to educate or "enlighten" to my viewpoint...much like discussing religion here in the Bible Belt. I find it all much worse here (where they get off on false supremacies) and the Midwest (my encounter being in Indiana). Teach tolerance as we expect it...

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  2. I'm fine with the commentary as long as they also mention it when the room is all white people (or whatever the group is that they are assuming is the dominant, "correct" group). Except that never happens.

    Anyway, there is nothing that works in that situation, including (most of the time, anyway) making a point of trying to discuss it. No matter how kind but pointed you are, you are met with: "but I didn't mean anything by it; some of my best friends are________; you know I'm not racist/homophobic/a fascist" etc.

    Anyway, stop hanging out with your mother's friends and everything will be fine.

    xooxYour sister

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  3. Dearest sister,
    I wouldn't hang out with your mother's friends so much if you would just move back to the east coast and hang out with me (or them) instead.
    XOXO
    Shelley

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  4. The above exchange just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh.

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