Bernie or Bust Stays Laser-Focused on Their Feelings

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Jay Mootnik licked his cold sore and shook his head in defiance. “If Bernie Sanders isn’t the president fighting for LGBTQ rights, I don’t want any LGBTQ rights at all”  said the 35 year old heterosexual outside the Wells Fargo Center as the Democratic National Convention began on Monday.

“I’d rather have no LGBTQ rights than have Hillary take the lead on this with her Wall Street money and her email server” he said sticking his thumbs in the shoulder straps of his “Bernie or Bust” tank top. “I’m so done.”

Mootnik is part of a discouraged progressive army of Bernie Sanders supporters whose hurt feelings are issue-one in this campaign. In spite of Hillary Clinton’s common ground with Sanders on many issues, so-called Sanderistas insist that from here on in, they will only support these issues if they are being marshaled by Sanders himself as POTUS. 

When it comes to immigration reform, Ivory White’s only option is Sanders.

“I can totally relate to the immigrant experience. My family came here on the Mayflower and with every ounce of my immigrant blood I don’t want to live in a world where Hillary Clinton’s finger is anywhere near the immigration button”  said the 28 year old self-described trust fund baby.

“I speak for all immigrants when I say it’s much better for illegals to be rounded up and deported en masse under Donald Trump than for us to trust that crooked Hillary Clinton, whose campaign is brought to you by Monsanto is going to do anything on immigration. “

There seems to be no issue on which Bernie or Busters would trust Hillary Clinton, not even voting access as Spencer Mayered helped make clear.

“I would rather use the Emancipation Proclamation, the 13^th Amendment, the Voting Rights Act, and the Civil Rights Act, as kindling for a bonfire before letting black people be tricked into believing that Hillary Clinton who has made billions from investing in fracking will do anything for their voting privileges” said the white person. “That’s how serious I am about this.” Evans then turned 180 degrees, raised his arms and screamed “black lives matter” to no one in particular before resuming his game of Pokemon Go.

X Heffernan, a 68 year old midwife now goes by X because she was originally named Hillary. Heffernan wants nothing to do with Clinton’s name and nothing to do with her politics.

“If Hillary Clinton is president, you might as well have the Supreme Court stacked with 10 Anthony [sic] Scalias. What good is your constitutional right to a safe abortion when your president keeps a jar with Hitler’s heart in a safe at her secret lair?” Heffernan then called to Jay Mootnik as he walked by and asked “hey, was that your tipi that caught on fire at the Rainbow Gathering?” Mootnik glanced at Heffernan before continuing on.