The Fun Zone

Unveiled Emotion

As Tieless Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies the existence of his burgeoning weapons program in even tones his translator generously ad libs passion into the delivery.

DWS Update

Three days ago I warned "Dancing With The Stars" contestant Ashley Hamilton in this blog not to be too cool to email all his friends and beg them to vote for him. I was informed last night by someone who watches the show that Ashley was the first person voted off.


DANG do I loooooooove! Obama is feeling Ahmadinejad's sting. You can tell by the way they selected the blurry, low-quality shot of Obama blinking that appears to make him look fatigued or out-leagued, if you will. The Globe and The Sun do the same thing.

"The Week"

"Let me let you in on a little secret; frying pans hurt."
- Former North Carolina senator John Edwards on his delay of confessing he fathered a child with Rielle Hunter.

"These can be for any party."
- Starbucks Coffee CEO Howard Schultz denying charges that Starbucks Tea Party Pack gift baskets which feature President Obama wearing a beret with a red star on it and a Hitler mustache endorse a political agenda.

"I understand they're angry. I would be angry too."
- Oprah protege Dr. Oz responding to a flood of complaints that his new syndicated show has replaced an hour block of "King of the Hill" in the Greater Los Angeles market.

"No no no. Wait. Don't start playing the music. I'm almost done. And thank-you to the guys who do the nametags. You finally got my name right. Thanks Bill Blass for the caftan!"
- Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi finishing his speech at the UN this week.

"For Chrisakes! Isn't five times on Sunday enough for these people?"
- Oprah protege Dr. Oz responding to a flood of compaints that his new syndicated show has replaced an hour block of "King of the Hill" in the Greater Seattle market.

"Mind if I watch?"
- Columnist Helen Thomas revealing that seperately, each of the Kennedy Brothers made the same joke and winked at her in the same manner when she told them she was Lebanese.

Can I Get An Advance On My Honaranium So I Can Buy Some Jeans?

Everyone takes credit for Sarah Palin's new to do list for a successful run for the White House. Various hacks and menschs alike have recommended all or parts of a regimen that anyone without a snowball's chance would have to AT LEAST do in order to have a shot at the OO.

These suggested measures include, but are not restricted to writing a book, starting some kind of foundation, and making some foreign policy speeches in a foreign country.

The book is tricky. The entire reason her political base likes her is because she is not an elite or to not use code words, she is not well-read or well-informed. In order to write a book anyone would read Sarah Baracuda would have to write an Election 08 tell-all. Other than that, I think we already have an idea of who she is and what she thinks.

Once the tell-all is in the can it's on to founding a foundation which will also take some care in plainning. Sarah boosters don't get excited over building houses for poor people and for reasons outlined above a think tank is completely out of the question. She could always build houses for some crossover appeal, but if you're indifferent to the Way of the Palin, that won't change with some pressboard and a nail gun. If she were to dance with the ones that brung her, The Palin Foundation would have to support either the reapeal of gun control laws, establishing the U.S. as a Christian nation, dismantling the U.N. or closing down Americorps.

That brings us to yesterday when Project Palin undertook what may have been the easiest function of its agenda. Palin gave a speech to a group of investors in Hong Kong. The event was closed to the press, but I did hear that she was a little at a loss when she began talking trash about Barack Obama and no one responded with a death threat or false accusation about his heritage. No one even shouted his middle name Hussein.

Apparently the investors acutally sat and listened while Palin droned for a reported low six figures which proves that anything is possible. I have to make this make sense by guessing this CLSA group forked out the money for the innevitable publicity. I doubt they were clamoring for her wisdom.

And it all may be for nothing. At the "Value Voters" summit this past weekend it was Mike The Baptist Huckabee that pulled away from the pack in their 2012 straw poll. Palin's got her work cut out for her. How can she beat Huckabee? His middle name is Dale. If that doesn't help I'm out of ideas.

The Wrong Tools To Fix Healthcare

This video was taken at a town hall meeting hosted by GOP Rep Todd Tiahrt in Kansas. Tee Tee must have wrongly assumed this group to be a bunch of typical Fox-aphiles who would hang on his every lie about bill H.R. 3200. Instead he was called on the intense conflagration of his knickers. Not even greedy doctors who hate healthcare reform are pushing the line about all doctors making the same salary. Nice try though Todd, you tool.

This is the same douche, by the way, who asked if abortion was as readily available a half century ago as it is today is it not possible that Barack Obama's or Clarence Thomas' mothers would have taken advantage of it. What???

Solstice Sisters

Yesterday hundreds if not thousands of farmers looked out their back windows to see groups of white women clad in loose clothing assembling in their fields to beat drums, burn stuff, and recite some mumbo jumbo incantations of Earth Praise. It was the Autumnal Equinox and nothing brings out the wacky wicocracy like an equinox or solstice. Not that there's anything wrong with it. I'm just more of a Thanksgiving and Christmas guy and I've never seen a wiccan cook a turkey.

Put The Hammer Down

Last night I got a very nice mass email from the sweet and funny Cynthia Ireland requesting I (we) vote for her sister on "Dancing With The Stars." I probably would have voted for Ashley Hamilton, but Ashley brothah - Cynthia went the extra mile and emailed me for my vote. If I watched the show I'd be giving my vote to Kathy Ireland now. But good luck to you both.

156 Days Ago Today...

Nudie-queen Carrie Prejean

 156 days ago today, what's her face was competing for some scholarship money in a bikini when someone asked her what she thought about gay marriage. The lady responded that "in her country, in her family she believes that a marriage should be between a man and a woman," thus alienating the only people who follow her career as a beauty queen besides her parents. She went on to lose after it was judged that Miss North Carolina was more beautiful.

September Racist-O-Meter

I’m just a country boy from Vermont so in the tradition of Calvin Coolidge, I’m no stranger to tackling tough issues with few words. One would think the explosive events of this September which have people in a state of racial edginess would be a challenge to my measured verbosity, but is there any adequate answer to a question as eloquent as “so that thing with Serena Williams, was that racist”? Not yet, anyway. So here I will sum up what has been racist or not racist over these post Labor Day weeks in a number of words that will not disgrace my Yankee traditions.

Serena’s Blowup - Blacks with impressive musculature like Serena and myself (hers is actually better than mine) have our public relations problems. Like the sinewy pit bull, we are assumed to have a higher level of aggression and irritability. When we walk into a room we strike a simultaneous rush of fear and excitement for we are equal parts ferocity and sexuality. If there’s a sudden noise everyone looks our way out of instinct because we either caused it or will have the most intriguing response to it. I can attest that having a little sculpting and toning as an African-American will put you under the microscope. But if you look closely, you’ll see just a person with the same breaking points as anyone else.

When Serena gave her tennis ball serving suggestions during the U.S. Open semifinals match, she wasn’t threatening an Asian lineswoman. She was threatening an Asian linesPERSON who happened to be Asian.
Rating: Buff as hell, but not racist

Kanye West and the Everlasting Meltdown (Episode 45: Bumrushing Taylor Swift)-
I think Kanye West doesn’t like country music and he probably spent the entire day watching the “Down with the Black President” parade on CNN. Just add booze and voila! Instant ugliness. This seems to have blown over, but just in case I’m sure his people are talking to Taylor Swift’s people regarding an awkward and possibly painful duet in the name of healing.
Rating: Racism probation

Joe Wilson - If anyone told me ten years ago that someone will shout in a single voice “you lie” to the first black president in the middle of that president’s address to Congress I would have guessed White Southern Republican. If anyone had been told that ten years ago, they would have guessed White Southern Republican. Please.
Rating: Racist, but it’s okay. He already knows.

We Hate Obama, Health Care, and or Black People Coalition Tea Party - In all fairness, the obvious racists at this encounter made up only a small portion of attendees. I guess that means that if a protester wasn’t toting a placard portraying Barack Obama as a witch doctor then we have no choice but to assume they weren’t racists. Foiled!

What is suspicious and what makes people think there’s more afoot than “outrage” at a health plan that isn’t even written is that all these Children of the Teabag didn’t magically appear until Obama was president. And there were no protests against health care reform when it was the Clinton’s albatross, rather, priority. These people seem so angry so early into the Administration of a new President. I myself didn’t start giving W’s motorcade the finger until AFTER his policies had proven to be failures. If these people just had patience, there is bound to be some plan of Obama’s that fails which they will legitimately be able to protest in the future.
Rating: Racist-curious

Beyonce - While her contemporaneous response to a rant from an inebriated rapper was all non-verbal, I can tell she was definitely thinking the “N-word” at least a few times.
Rating: Racist Of The Month

Illinois School Bus Riders -

1. Not racist
2. Not racist
3. Tad racist
4. Racist
5. Serial racist
6. Not racist
7. Archracist
8. Not racist
9. Not racist
10. Not racist

In the interest of full disclosure I kicked a white kid’s ass on the school bus about 35 years ago. I literally came up behind him and kicked him in the ass while he was looking out the window. Not very fair, but I wasn’t looking for a fair fight; I was looking to curb his new habit of spitting on me when I got off the bus. He was startled having not seen me coming and from then on, he accorded me nothing but good-day biddings and smiles. In the interest of further disclosure, I’ve been party to black-on-black conflict as well. One confrontation that stands out began in the fifth grade when a girl with tons of cousins falsely accused me of something petty. I found myself in a standoff with her cousin Ernest. Ernest either believed my innocence, secretly had a crush on me, or didn’t want a piece of me. We shot our pistols into the air and I now consider Ernest and me to be beefless. The family grudge was then adopted by Ernest’s sprier, thinner cousin Thomas. Though not a punch was thrown between Thomas and me, I fear the ambiguity of whether or not our business was settled. If we ever meet again, I’m thinking darts and an ale.

ACORN - The word itself is a slur among Venusians divided by class. On Venus, an acorn is someone who’s green on the outside, but white on the inside.
Rating: Extra-Terrestracist/classist

Patrick Swayze - Cross-dressed with Snipes. Played opposite Whoopi Goldberg in her Oscar-winning role in “Ghost” just like Clark Gable did Hattie McDaniel in “Gone With The Wind.”
Rating: A Regular Dr. Martin Luther King

Pancreatic Cancer - Most common in African-Americans.
Rating: Epidemiologically racist