Sheikhing the Foundations of the Legal System

Attorney General Eric Holder announced that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, alleged principal architect of the September 11 Massacre will be tried in New York. Various federal prosecutors in numerous districts were wringing their hands to take on the case against K-Mo. I am happy to see justice done. My only regret is that the case wasn’t given to a Southern district because if there is one thing K-Mo & Co needs, it is to be railroaded and there’s no legal railroadin’ like a Southern legal railroadin’. I know that Southern justice is no longer typified by my favorite Southern courtroom films, “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “My Cousin Vinny” so this may the be the one time I’m nostalgic for the Old South.


I see the defendant being tried in Virginia just miles from the Pentagon in August. Even at 9 am the sweltering humidity makes everyone in the courtroom look disheveled. The prosecutor Richmond Sumpter Confederacy Souther II has already taken the coat of his white suit off. Souther keeps a handkerchief and uses it exclusively as a prop. He takes it out to thoroughly rub the back of his neck when he’s about to ask a defendant the one question he knows will seal their fate. On this morning the handkerchief is out and not as a prop. The back of his neck, all eight inches by eleven inches of it, is “just a terrible damp.”

By the time the formalities of convening are done the handkerchief needs to be rung out so before he begins his cross examination of K-Mo he squeezes it under his standard Southern courtroom issue oak seat. It gives him an idea for his opening words, “My Lawdy, is it mighty hot today, mighty hot. Whhhhhooooooo.”

Then he lifts himself out of his chair, put his suspenders back over his shoulders and walks to the witness stand.

“Well now. Good mornin’ Mr. M’hammed. Let me start by sayin’ I am humbled to be in the presence of a real-life sheikh? Am I sayin’ that right? Sheikh?” (Mohammed nods) “I’m sorry. Mister Littlefiled here is charged with taking down every little thing we say here today, but he ain’t got no nod button on his little dixiehoozit thingy there so I’ll ask if you meant yes when you nodded. You can just say yes. There we go. You got a fine voice. You must be a baritone just like me. If things work out for you I can recommend you for the church choir. Just a thought. Fine, fine, fine. So what kind of sheikh are you? Vanilla? Chocolate? I could go for a nice strawberry shake right now myself (uproarious laughter in the gallery. K-Mo’s attorney would object, but he’s laughing too hard. The judge gavels and orders through guffaws “Order!”). And two hours later K-Mo is strapped to, in, or on a some type of death contraption with no reprieve because no one is going to petition for that stay of execution.

As reassuring as that style of law sounds for this case it couldn’t happen in New York or Virginia or even Mississippi for that matter. It won’t just be K-Mo on trial; the U.S. justice system will be on trial. The entire world will be watching. Then there’s the Republican Party who has been cheerleading for these federal trials to end up in some 2012-type of calamity. The GOP take (though they don’t put it this way) is that no one gets off on a technicality in a military tribunal which is always a risk in federal court. These are the same military tribunals that some liberals compare to certain land mammals of Australia known for hopping and carrying their babies called joeys in a pouch. They have long tails and feed on grass. They are known for their boxing skills and ridiculed for their lack of integrity in the courtroom.

I’m not taking sides against the Right. Remember, my whole fantasy here is to see these guys railroaded too. In a non-scientific way this proves something eerily funny; military tribunals are the new Good Old Boys' courtrooms. Is that why they used to call old Southern judges Colonel?