Drivers Manual Labors Lost

On December 24, 2009 3:30am PST I was ticketed by an elderly CHP officer who kept looking over her glasses whenever she spoke to me. I finally fulfilled the last of my obligations of the ticket this past weekend by spending hours in front of my computer "going to" online traffic school. I passed and have since forgotten everything I learned. Good thing I copied and pasted some of the passages from the lessons as a record of just how ridiculous it all was.

Like jail, the purpose of traffic school is not so much to make you a better person as it is to piss you off. This is my third time doing traffic school. They obviously aren't making me a better driver. Naturally I was feeling a little sarcastic so below each passage is just what I was thinking as I skimmed through all this ridiculousness. If you've never done traffic school welcome to silly.

As you approach the vehicle, have your keys in your hand. Be prepared to enter the vehicle without delay - especially if you are in a busy parking lot.
Because leaving your keys in your pocket on the way to the car and dilly-dallying is an automatic two points on your license.

In the past, drivers were taught to place their hands at the 10 and 2 o'clock or 9 and 3 o'clock positions. However, today more flexible positions are encouraged.
For example, you might like 8 and 10 or 6 and 11. For slicker surfaces try 3:40 and 2:15.

A crash occurs every 30 seconds. Before driving, assume YOU will be in a crash.
As soon as you get in the car go limp and curse.

Negative emotions encourage negative, judgmental and self-serving thoughts. Negative thoughts often surface in the form of hostile verbal expression. Recognize the effects of emotions on your personality when you drive.
Thanks to you traffic school, I don't want to eat people's livers anymore.

Try to let the passengers do most of the talking.
Not a problem if you're married. Am I right fellas?

If you have to eat, purchase car-friendly food.
Like motor oil and gasoline?

Press hard or "lay" on the horn if you see a potential collision about to occur.
If you are properly assuming that YOU will be in a crash you should always be pressing hard or "laying" on the horn.

Never use obscene hand gestures when driving.
Obscene gestures should only be done with face, ass, and genitals while leaving your hands at 5 and 10:30.

Avoid eye contact unless you are making a courteous gesture. Eye contact is a trigger for road rage when you are communicating a negative message.
If you find yourself in a confrontation resulting from making accidental eye contact raise your hands above your head to make yourself appear bigger.

Always yield to persons who carry a white cane or have a guide dog, whenever they are in the roadway.
Because blind people are very dangerous behind the wheel of a car.

Elderly, handicapped or blind pedestrians might move slowly through intersections. Be patient and courteous as you wait for them to cross; do not honk your horn or shout at them.
They won't be able to hear you so use obscene gestures.

Traveling with children is a wonderful opportunity to create memories that will last a lifetime.
Oh boy. For the sake of public safety that should probably say "travelling with YOUR children..."

Photo credit Chip Dornell while speeding up the 5 toward Mt. Shasta.

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