The Michele and Sarah-Pedia: American History Made Right

This debt ceiling debate is so 1995. Total schwank. I've cut back on watching the news and have been amusing myself instead with the thought of Palin and Bachmann collaborating to pen an American history textbook. It would be an entire volume filled with non-events being told in that improvisational stream of "consciousness" that have made Palin and Bachmann poster-people for flunking history. Rather than sit around and wait for those two to fulfill this dream, I thought it would be productive and entertaining if I adopted their voice and just wrote it myself. So with no further ado, here are the first excerpts from "The Michele and Sarah-Pedia: American History Made Right."

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS

America was invented by Christopher Columbus when the king and queen of Spanish wanted him to teach everyone that the earth revolved around the moon while bringing back spices from India. Columbus set sail for his voyage around the world with his three ships, the Santa Maria, the Piña Colada, etc. When arriving in America he met the Indians who had been waiting so long to be discovered. They were ecstatic that someone would finally lead and organize them and bring much needed jobs so they could buy clothes with which to cover themselves and get their first taste of liberty. Columbus was fired by the king and queen for never getting their spices.

EXPLORATION

After its discovery, America had to be explorated. This was a job for our American explorers. Was America big? What other cities and towns were there? Who were those guys on Mount Rushmore? Finding the answers to these questions was the job of these brave men. Many explorers like Jacques Mississippi and Alphonse New Hampshire named the places they explored after themselves. Once the exploration of America was complete they drew boundaries like the one we have with Mexico. Noticing people spoke Spanish there, our explorers thought it was the perfect place to put up a boundary and declare it a foreign country.

Extra Credit: Which explorer is the state of Washington named after?