Florida Republican Primary Requires Creative Voter Harassment

With very few black voters participating in Tuesday’s Republican primary in Florida, state officials turned to people of Cuban descent and tanned Whites to apply illegal scrutiny. Those who fit the profile were put through a gauntlet of tests and questions before being turned away from the polls.

“I show up to vote and they ask me for my castration papers” explains Chester Klimt, a 68 year old retiree with the complexion of George Clooney. “I asked them ‘what the hell are you talking about? I’m a Republican. I voted for Goldwater in ’64! You can’t treat me like this.’ That’s when they tasered me.”

Klimt may be one of the lucky ones. According to witnesses, Doris Moreno, a third-generation Cuban-American was given a literacy test. Though none of the witnesses saw the test themselves, several quoted Moreno as complaining “but this is Chinese.” Moreno was then removed from the line. When asked where she was being taken, she was told “back to Cuba” according to reports.

Florida officials led by Governor Rick Scott stand firmly by their practices. “Floridians deserve honest elections” said Scott. “We may not be perfect, but at least we do something.”

As for the Republican voters physically capable of seeking justice, their complaints are all filed against the Obama Administration. 

State of the Union Address Facts

When the Vice President and Speaker of the House are from different parties, it is customary for the Speaker to cut one each time the opposing party stands up to applaud.

George Washington had slaves specifically for “punching up” his addresses to Congress.

FDR curiously repeated the phrase “it’s like croquet” 21 times in a poorly written 1937 address.

James Madison argued for a constitutional requirement that the annual address be sung by the president in rhyming Quatrains, but he was opposed. Newt Gingrich has promised to follow Madison’s wishes if he is elected president.

Teddy Roosevelt departed from prepared remarks to bare-naked wrestle Democrats who were stymieing his agenda in 1904.

Ronald Reagan gave the same State of the Union address three times and no one noticed!

In 1860, James Buchanan’s address was simply a 15 minute list of redecoration suggestions for the chamber.

In 1879, the sobriety of Rutherford B. Hayes was questioned when he delivered different parts of his address in patterns mocking the speech of various minorities including Jews, Chinese, Blacks, Mexicans, and Irish.

Benjamin Harrison once delivered the address with his dog Dash beside him. After every sentence, Harrison would say to his dog “Isn’t that right, boy? Isn’t that right? Yes it is. Yes it is. He’s a good boy.” The address took seven hours.

Bored Birthers Demand to See George Romney's Birth Certificate

Mostly deflated from seeing proof that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii and not Kenya, birthers reluctant to call it a day have moved on to a new target - George Romney. The former Michigan governor and Republican presidential candidate was born in Mexico, a fact that no one disputes. While  the older Romney's citizenship was not an issue in the presidential campaign of 1968, birthers have questions concerning the right of the candidate who has been dead for nearly seventeen years to ascend to the presidency. 

"We are very excited about this" said Oily Taint, seen by many as the chief birther. "We still have over 100,000 t-shirts and condoms saying 'show us the birth certificate' so this movement has a lot of life left to it."

Headlines for January 16, 2012

Evangelicals ironically back candidate with something up his butt 

"Helping people spend more time with their families"

Bain Capital changing "family" slogan after Romney controversy
Asian tourists enjoy King statue free of crowds during holiday weekend

Greece turned down for car loan

Brit actor to play Steve Jobs

Manboobs, ladyshlong top "most embarrassing condition" poll

Two years after earthquake, "Real Housewives of Port Au Prince" cancelled

Bain's Romneytron 3000

Each time he runs for president Mitt Romney probably expects it to be easier to expand his fan base beyond those allowed to ride inside the family truckster. But even when he runs against inexperienced philanderers, experienced philanderers, ignorami, Texans, crotchety theoreticians, and anti-non-straight non-white non-Christian no ones, Romney is only the default frontrunner. He is the apple with the fewest bruises which is only palatable when compared to the rest of the bunch.

People don’t care for Mitt Romney because something about him suggests that he thinks he has a sense of entitlement. There doesn’t seem to be a humble bone in his body and when he tries to act humble, it comes off as ultra-superior like the time the quarter-of-a-billionaire claimed (for a laugh) that he was also unemployed to a group of unemployed Floridians. The only pain Romney is feeling is the pain of having to shake hands with so many of THOSE people whose bathtub doubles as a shower stall.

Romney has the opposite of Teflon coattails. Unflattering perceptions stick well to him because he hasn’t given anyone cause to really like him. This is a large part of what is going to make Obama’s job easier when the general election comes. As a matter of fact, Team Obama couldn’t wait for the nomination process to finish before caricaturing their inevitable opponent. The Obama campaign has been working on one of those hypnotic catchword drives that we usually associate with those well-oiled Republicans.  Democrats are handing out free samples of the phrase “Mitt Romney’s core” to anyone who is willing to repeat it and the product is starting to take. Voters being interviewed about Romney are beginning to talk about how they “aren’t sure” about Romney’s core as if they thought those words up themselves. 

To add to his core problem, a vengeful Newt Gingrich has turned Romney’s career as a conscienceless capitalist into an election issue. After portraying himself as the benevolent provider of jobs who spread employment throughout the kingdom, it seems that Romney and Bain also hath taken jobs away in the name of making a gazillion bucks. The Republican establishment line of defense is that losing jobs is a healthy part of the capitalist cycle. That may be true, but that wafer thin mint doesn’t take the Romney taste out of anyone’s mouth in the midst of high unemployment.

Nixon had Checkers (“We’re keeping him”) and Obama had Jeremiah Wright (“We’re cutting him loose”). Bain Capital is just the next in that Checkers-Wright tradition. What is to be seen is how Romney deals with Bain. If he finds a way to dispatch of it masterfully, it cuts into the Obama reelection odds. Looking at Romney’s history of personal appeals, it looks like Obama’s odds remain unscathed.

The reason for political mainstays like the Checkers Speech is to put issues to rest and to prevent the candidate from being put on the defensive for the remainder of the election. Thus far, Romney has been on the defensive in a spectacle of sound bites that are softball pitches to late night monolog writers. The writing is on the wall for me; Romney is going to have to make his Bain Speech. Good luck to him. The challenge is finding a way to talk about the goings-on at a financial services firm in a way that make people give a shit. My bet is that he won’t. It’s just not who he is. Romney has yet to try to seem human without it ending with an awkward thud. 

This was supposed to be the election where Romney could win if he just talked about jobs and the economy. Along the way Occupy Wall Street popped up, bringing to light the disapproval many Americans have with the Wall Street ethos. Just weeks ago, Gingrich mocked Wall Street occupiers by telling them to take a bath and get a job. Now he has seized their message in order to help tear down Romney. Just because the Republican Establishment has lined up to defend Romney does not mean he is out of the woods. Until he finds a way to deal with it effectively, Bain will be the big diamond crusted bling hanging around his neck from a gold chain. The press won’t be able to stop talking about it in the absence of any bigger gaffe. Romney was already damaged goods without the unveiling of the Bain offensive given the burden of his robotic disposition. Now his GPS is set for the trash heap. But what do I know? I predicted Romney would choose Haley Barbour as his running mate. That definitely ain’t happenin’.

The Rick Santorum Wing of the GOP

"Been here, stepped in that." 
That must have been what Rick Santorum was thinking after recently getting unwanted attention for his remarks on how HE "doesn't  want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money." Santorum later tried to wipe the mess off his shoe by insisting that he was quite sure he didn't say "black people." Maybe he recalled saying "coloreds" or "porch monkeys."

If it all seemed too familiar to Punxsutawney Rick, it might have been because of some ado he caused in 2004 as a graduation speaker at Cheyney University in Pennsylvania. Santorum, then a U.S. senator was not the choice of the students at the historically black institution. As a matter of fact a number of students stood and turned their backs to Santorum as he spoke. Others applauded in support of the hundreds that turned away and some simply got up and left. It may be construed as impolite that they did not give him a chance to speak before registering their protest, but they must have had an idea of what was to come. 

Santorum then went on to lecture the college graduates on the fragility of the black family in America and the problem of absent black fathers. Not that any of Santorum's figures were wrong, but the prevailing feeling was that a white Republican had a lot of nerve itemizing the plagues of society and laying them at the feet of black graduates on a day that should have otherwise been celebratory. What the audience heard was "this is what's wrong with your people..."

The speech unmistakeably cemented Santorum's reputation as having delusions of grandeur. Rick Santorum thinks he's better than all kinds of other people who aren't like him including black people and when he has a chance to talk to black people about anything, he chooses to talk about issues of black immorality and social inferiority. Santorum is not known for addressing the problem of absent white fathers when talking to white audiences. He thinks that when it happens to white people it is not a problem. This is what makes Rick Santorum and people like him hypocrites.

Black people know this type of hypocrisy carries over into other areas as well. When a Santorum sees a black person with a job, they see someone who was given preferential treatment. When they see a white person with a job, they see someone who probably got that job fair and square based on their abilities. When they see a black defendant in court they see someone who should have known better. When they see a white defendant they see someone who deserves a fair trial under the law. And so on. 

The inanity of a father of seven lecturing college graduates on family planning was not lost the crowd at Cheyney's graduation ceremonies in 2004. By the time he reached the end of his speech he could hardly be heard for the side conversations in the crowd. One person screamed "get off the stage."

What would people think of me if I chastised the audience at the Republican National Convention (historically white) on the number of white unwed mothers and then presented proof that unwed white mothers outnumber those of any other race? What if I complained that there were more white welfare recipients living off other people's money than any other race? I don't think it would go down too well. And while that would be funny to see, I would have more class than to do that. Rick Santorum does not.

Kangaroo Rat with Cowboy Hat to Make Important Announcement in a Week

The Kangaroo Rat with Cowboy Hat, the former Republican presidential candidate who left the race in the spring of 2011 reports he will have an announcement in a week. While giving no other specifics, there is speculation Rat will make public a decision as to whether or not to re-enter the Republican race. Rat has floated the possibility of rescinding his dropout if no candidate wins more than 25% of the vote in the Iowa caucus. With Iowa victor Mitt Romney winning 25% exactly, it leaves the door open for another run by the desert rodent.

Republican Kangaroo Rat seen without his cowboy hat. Photo credit John Roser

The Undistinguished Rise of Rick Santorum

That Rick Santorum - he's as sly as a sloth. His strategy has paid off as the least likable candidate in the Republican field surges (according to all press accounts) out of single digits. All he had to do was wait until Iowans realized how chronically flawed Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Newt Gingrich were and until Tim Pawlenty and Herman Cain dropped out of the race. And just like that Santorum is in... third place behind the frontrunner no one likes and the sourpuss crackpot. Good job Rick! They hate you. They really really hate you.

Republicans Hammer Away at Kangaroo Rat

As Republican presidential candidate Kangaroo Rat with Cowboy Hat broadens his appeal in the party, competing Republicans have answered with attack ads such as the one below in hopes of reversing his rise.