Putting Dad in a Home Just Got Harder for Trump Kids

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The three adult kids had all noticed the same thing. Their father had been declining gradually over the past 40 years. When they discovered him tweeting vitriolic rants in the middle of the night, they decided it was time to do something. They had to put him in a home. Surprisingly, Donald Trump agreed with Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, but he had conditions.

The kids heard out their father’s demands. The facility would have to be private. His security would have to be guaranteed around the clock. He would need a staff to wait on him hand and foot. Not only would it have to be free, he would have to make money on it. And he would need another plane. The great deal maker was making the deal of his life, and this time he was gunning for a spot in the most exclusive home in the country, the White House. Only the most competitive of people stand a chance to get in, but in spite of the onset of dementia, their dad was just as competitive as he had ever been. The only problem was how much his instability would be a liability.

At the onset, the family was discouraged. At the very first opportunity Donald Trump had to make a good impression, he meandered into a racist screed against Mexicans, peppered with disproven factoids. They braced for the worst, never imagining that his tribal irascibility would make him an early favorite for the spot. Once ashamed of Trump Sr.’s outbursts, they agreed to let Dad be Dad, a strategy that would allow them to sit back and watch their father coast to his spot in the coveted White House Home.

Then came the final phase of the process. The lunacy which had buoyed him for the first 12 months has now reverted to a burden. The residence he is looking to win is still a monument of national dignity and pride. As decision time approaches, the specter of an unstable subject around the nation’s sacred art, furniture, and nuclear detonators looms as too much potential for catastrophe. The young Trumps were unavailable for comment, but a source close to the family says they are losing their patience with their father. In one discussion, a son was overheard threatening, “if you don’t turn this around, we’re checking out a mental institution in Mexico.”

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