Tim Cook Unveils Apple's "Best Sexual Harassment Policy Ever"

Apple employees sat in the company auditorium seeming more sleepy and preoccupied than curious over what was billed as a surprise announcement. At 10:30 a.m. the house lights went down. Missing was the applause that usually follows the dramatic opening of an Apple product launch. Through the darkness came a sustained synth-string note and the voice of Tim Cook crowing highlights and enhancements of the company’s new sexual harassment policy. “Streamlined process for making complaints. Option for rapid mediation between alleged offender and offended party. Dedicated digital counselor versed in all matters of sexual harassment.” The stage lights came up on Cook as the strings stopped. The CEO, dressed in black then announced “and it’s all integrated on the new iPhone 7!” The room sat quietly for two to three seconds until Cook prompted “you can clap now,” at which point most of the room united in tepid applause. “It’s another friggin’ sexual harassment seminar” one employee was overheard grumbling. In spite of the lack of enthusiasm, Cook pressed on, going into further detail as he would as if he were hawking a new device in front of engrossed press and investors. He saved what seemed to be his favorite new feature, Myrtle for last. “And finally, Siri might be spoken for, but she does have an older sister Myrtle who is our digital sexual harassment counselor. If you’re not sure if you’ve been sexually harassed, tell Myrtle what’s happened. Don’t worry. She’s heard it all. Also, if there is something you want to say to someone, but aren’t sure if it crosses the line, just run it by Myrtle to see what she thinks. Watch this.” Cook took out his iPhone 7, asked Siri to get Myrtle and then asked “Myrtle, can I tell Rajit Singh I’d like to hit that?” Back came an instant answer from Myrtle, but in Hindi to which the entire room burst into laughter and applause. Cook took the ribbing with a good nature, digging back “so you’ll clap at that. OK. We’ll get the engineers on that, right fellas?” With a finger on the pulse of the room, Cook segued into a rushed ending to the gathering. “It’s the best sexual harassment policy ever and there are donuts in each of your nearest break rooms” he said, waving his hand in a quick upward motion. Scores of workers then tripped up the stairs to the exits, prompting one more authoritative command from Cook. “Slowly. Slowly!”