Coming Up On The Food Network

The past week or so has been pretty rancorous politically. So here is a little palate cleanser I put together capitalizing on my imitation of Gordon Ramsay.

Profiling The Profilers

For years we have listened to the anti-social wing of the political spectrum go on about how racial profiling was a valid, nay, necessary tool in keeping Americans safe. Specifically, these reactionaries were hyper-concerned about keeping white Americans safe from darker people. The core of their legal philosophy was that people who aren't white are more dangerous. I gather this because these people never suggested specifically profiling whites as if there are no crimes for which Whites can be specifically profiled.

These same self-appointed arbiters of justice got their noses bent out of shape when the Department of Homeland Security simply stated a year ago that there would be a rise in right-wing extremism following the election of Barack Obama. The Right screamed and whined that it was a government conspiracy to target conservatives. Well it was not a conspiracy to target conservatives. It was law enforcement doing its job and recognizing specific crime patterns. The report mentioned white supremacists as one prong in the union of dangers, but in general DHS did the politically correct thing by trying to keep the report as race-neutral as possible.

I guarantee that when the term "right-wing extremist" is thrown around down in the FBI labs, they aren't referring to groups of Puerto Ricans. They aren't referring to groups of Asians. They aren't referring to groups of Indians. They aren't referring to groups of Arabs. They ARE referring to groups of Whites. It is one of those things that everyone knows though not as many people feel comfortable talking about.

It gives me pleasure to reveal the clear hypocrisy and anger in people who deny being angry racists. They have carried on for years as if crime and terror was something other people were responsible for while they looked unto the Tim McVeighs, Terry Nichols, and groups that support right-wing terrorism as some sort of raceless asterisks. To them, it's only race related when its committed by another ethnic background. When Tim McVeigh or Eric Rudolph were pinpointed for their crimes who among the lay racial profilers demanded closer scrutiny be put on whites? That's right. None of them.

Over the past week right-wing identified people have called black members of Congress "nigger", taunted a gay member of Congress, issued threats against members of Congress, sabotaged the homes of people they believe to be members of Congress, and thrown bricks through windows of political offices. Sarah Palin has told her supporters, angry in unison over passage of healthcare legislation "Don't retreat, RELOAD." She has also put on her website a graphic of a U.S. map with rifle scope cross hairs emblazoned where Democratic members of Congress should be taken out of office.

The name calling, vandalism, and threats can all be traced back to the Tea Party. These are not lone wolf crackpots. They are affiliated teapots; yet conservative lawmakers dismiss the activity as if they are isolated incidents being carried out by unaffiliated individuals. None of them are calling on the Tea Party as a whole to calm down because they don't want to lose Tea Party support. I also suspect that they are afraid of being too critical of the Tea Party for fear of becoming victims of their angry reprisals.

Homeland Security called it correctly. As for the theory of their warning leading to a round up conservatives, it looks like that may be true as well, but it won't be a conspiracy; it will be due process for assorted right-wing mayhem. Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin may want to put their fundraising skills together to build a defense fund for all of the conservatrons they are inciting. I hope somewhere in the process they learn the important lesson that threats to American tranquility come in different colors and persuasions, even white and conservative.

The Angry Minority

This picture is of House Minority Leader John Boehner. He has one tone – resentful. That was even while he was House Majority Leader. “Hardball” host Chris Matthews likes to inquire about Boehner “why does that guy always look like he just missed a putt."

Speaking of missing a putt, it was Boehner who spoke (surely just out of obligation) at the ceremony awarding the Tuskegee Airmen the Congressional Gold Medal where he pronounced Tuskegee with a soft “g” – repeatedly. In other words he serially mispronounced it. The audience sat there as if they were golf spectators watching Boehner miss a putt over and over again. The only person in the chamber who didn’t realize what was going on was Boehner who had probably drifted into autopilot just as he walked through the door with his three-by-five cards.

For the record, Nancy Pelosi only mispronounced it once while giving opening remarks at the event and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell not only pronounced it correctly but received a hand for doing so. He followed Boehner’s half-assed address and deliberately named the Tuskegee Airman in his greeting as if to either shame Boehner or as if to say “we’re not all like him.”

I know I’ve spelled Tuskegee wrong a few times. Based on its pronunciation, there are probably a thousand ways to spell it. I’ve probably put an unnecessary “h” in there before, but it’s easy to pronounce if you’ve heard it said a few times before. John Boehner had not. It begs the question, where the hell is this guy’s district, Neptune?

That Boehner boner flew under the radar, but what he will be remembered for is going down on the wrong side of History. After screaming and whining on the floor of the House about whatever he was screaming and whining about tonight, the Democratic majority in the House of Representatives just passed the biggest piece of healthcare legislation since Medicare. Boehner's obituary will laud him for defending discrimination against the sick and injured. Right now the Democratic House leaders are in their press conference surely to be followed by Boehner and his good ole boyz. I don’t know what he’ll say, but I know he’ll say it looking like he just missed a putt.

Drivers Manual Labors Lost

On December 24, 2009 3:30am PST I was ticketed by an elderly CHP officer who kept looking over her glasses whenever she spoke to me. I finally fulfilled the last of my obligations of the ticket this past weekend by spending hours in front of my computer "going to" online traffic school. I passed and have since forgotten everything I learned. Good thing I copied and pasted some of the passages from the lessons as a record of just how ridiculous it all was.

Like jail, the purpose of traffic school is not so much to make you a better person as it is to piss you off. This is my third time doing traffic school. They obviously aren't making me a better driver. Naturally I was feeling a little sarcastic so below each passage is just what I was thinking as I skimmed through all this ridiculousness. If you've never done traffic school welcome to silly.

As you approach the vehicle, have your keys in your hand. Be prepared to enter the vehicle without delay - especially if you are in a busy parking lot.
Because leaving your keys in your pocket on the way to the car and dilly-dallying is an automatic two points on your license.

In the past, drivers were taught to place their hands at the 10 and 2 o'clock or 9 and 3 o'clock positions. However, today more flexible positions are encouraged.
For example, you might like 8 and 10 or 6 and 11. For slicker surfaces try 3:40 and 2:15.

A crash occurs every 30 seconds. Before driving, assume YOU will be in a crash.
As soon as you get in the car go limp and curse.

Negative emotions encourage negative, judgmental and self-serving thoughts. Negative thoughts often surface in the form of hostile verbal expression. Recognize the effects of emotions on your personality when you drive.
Thanks to you traffic school, I don't want to eat people's livers anymore.

Try to let the passengers do most of the talking.
Not a problem if you're married. Am I right fellas?

If you have to eat, purchase car-friendly food.
Like motor oil and gasoline?

Press hard or "lay" on the horn if you see a potential collision about to occur.
If you are properly assuming that YOU will be in a crash you should always be pressing hard or "laying" on the horn.

Never use obscene hand gestures when driving.
Obscene gestures should only be done with face, ass, and genitals while leaving your hands at 5 and 10:30.

Avoid eye contact unless you are making a courteous gesture. Eye contact is a trigger for road rage when you are communicating a negative message.
If you find yourself in a confrontation resulting from making accidental eye contact raise your hands above your head to make yourself appear bigger.

Always yield to persons who carry a white cane or have a guide dog, whenever they are in the roadway.
Because blind people are very dangerous behind the wheel of a car.

Elderly, handicapped or blind pedestrians might move slowly through intersections. Be patient and courteous as you wait for them to cross; do not honk your horn or shout at them.
They won't be able to hear you so use obscene gestures.

Traveling with children is a wonderful opportunity to create memories that will last a lifetime.
Oh boy. For the sake of public safety that should probably say "travelling with YOUR children..."

Photo credit Chip Dornell while speeding up the 5 toward Mt. Shasta.

Beware The Idiots Of March Part II

Job: Unemployed
Nicknames: Creepy, That Weird Guy, What's Up With Massa
Turnons: Men's locker rooms, groping men, touching men, gay "fracking"
Turnoffs: Ethics investigations
Favorite Possession: Navy photo album
Talent: Leaping navy bunks to give unwanted massages in a single bound
Favorite Catchphrase: "Shhhhhh. Relax."

When elected to represent his New York district in Congress, Eric Massa chose a dedicated staff of men with dreams of political careers instead of gay go-go dancers. This may have been his downfall. Though Massa to date has deferred questions of his sexuality to his wife and former navy shipmates (the latter of which confirm he is most likely gay) he has handled questions of any impropriety with an intricate song and dance that can only be performed by an accomplished practitioner of musical theatre.

Beware The Idiots Of March Part I

Species: Ass
AOTL Astrological Sign: Fart
Turnons: Not smiling, simmering, hysteria, ignorance
Turnoffs: Sunshine, reality, America, integrity
Education: Potty trained [disputed]
Hobbies: Prevaricating, distorting
Favorite Foods: Ice, sour grapes, blood, bitterness
Favorite Fantasy: Relevance
Often Mistaken For: The dog shot by Gregory Peck in "To Kill A Mockingbird"

Second and youngest daughter of infarction enthusiast Dick Cheney and shrill repressed nag Lynne Cheney. Skeletor as she is known to her friends has become an intriguing figure in politics, mystifying people by her presumption that her unaccomplished ass knows more than Barack Obama. In the past Cheney has held a position in the State Department earning the post by having the job created just for her. As a strict partisan of the Right, Cheney has received a great deal of attention of late, mostly from members of her own party who have condemned her for her attacks on the current president. Pundits predict Cheney will try peppering her droning diatribes with occasional dontcha-knows, I-tell-yas, and winks. Good luck with that Liz!