Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Homeland Security called it correctly. As for the theory of their warning leading to a round up conservatives, it looks like that may be true as well, but it won't be a conspiracy; it will be due process for assorted right-wing mayhem. Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin may want to put their fundraising skills together to build a defense fund for all of the conservatrons they are inciting. I hope somewhere in the process they learn the important lesson that threats to American tranquility come in different colors and persuasions, even white and conservative.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
That Boehner boner flew under the radar, but what he will be remembered for is going down on the wrong side of History. After screaming and whining on the floor of the House about whatever he was screaming and whining about tonight, the Democratic majority in the House of Representatives just passed the biggest piece of healthcare legislation since Medicare. Boehner's obituary will laud him for defending discrimination against the sick and injured. Right now the Democratic House leaders are in their press conference surely to be followed by Boehner and his good ole boyz. I don’t know what he’ll say, but I know he’ll say it looking like he just missed a putt.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Like jail, the purpose of traffic school is not so much to make you a better person as it is to piss you off. This is my third time doing traffic school. They obviously aren't making me a better driver. Naturally I was feeling a little sarcastic so below each passage is just what I was thinking as I skimmed through all this ridiculousness. If you've never done traffic school welcome to silly.
As you approach the vehicle, have your keys in your hand. Be prepared to enter the vehicle without delay - especially if you are in a busy parking lot.
In the past, drivers were taught to place their hands at the 10 and 2 o'clock or 9 and 3 o'clock positions. However, today more flexible positions are encouraged.
A crash occurs every 30 seconds. Before driving, assume YOU will be in a crash.
As soon as you get in the car go limp and curse.
Negative emotions encourage negative, judgmental and self-serving thoughts. Negative thoughts often surface in the form of hostile verbal expression. Recognize the effects of emotions on your personality when you drive.
Thanks to you traffic school, I don't want to eat people's livers anymore.
Try to let the passengers do most of the talking.
Not a problem if you're married. Am I right fellas?
If you have to eat, purchase car-friendly food.
Like motor oil and gasoline?
Press hard or "lay" on the horn if you see a potential collision about to occur.
If you are properly assuming that YOU will be in a crash you should always be pressing hard or "laying" on the horn.
Never use obscene hand gestures when driving.
Obscene gestures should only be done with face, ass, and genitals while leaving your hands at 5 and 10:30.
Avoid eye contact unless you are making a courteous gesture. Eye contact is a trigger for road rage when you are communicating a negative message.
If you find yourself in a confrontation resulting from making accidental eye contact raise your hands above your head to make yourself appear bigger.
Always yield to persons who carry a white cane or have a guide dog, whenever they are in the roadway.
Because blind people are very dangerous behind the wheel of a car.
Elderly, handicapped or blind pedestrians might move slowly through intersections. Be patient and courteous as you wait for them to cross; do not honk your horn or shout at them.
They won't be able to hear you so use obscene gestures.
Traveling with children is a wonderful opportunity to create memories that will last a lifetime.
Oh boy. For the sake of public safety that should probably say "travelling with YOUR children..."
Photo credit Chip Dornell while speeding up the 5 toward Mt. Shasta.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Nicknames: Creepy, That Weird Guy, What's Up With Massa
Turnons: Men's locker rooms, groping men, touching men, gay "fracking"
Turnoffs: Ethics investigations
Favorite Possession: Navy photo album
Talent: Leaping navy bunks to give unwanted massages in a single bound
Favorite Catchphrase: "Shhhhhh. Relax."
When elected to represent his New York district in Congress, Eric Massa chose a dedicated staff of men with dreams of political careers instead of gay go-go dancers. This may have been his downfall. Though Massa to date has deferred questions of his sexuality to his wife and former navy shipmates (the latter of which confirm he is most likely gay) he has handled questions of any impropriety with an intricate song and dance that can only be performed by an accomplished practitioner of musical theatre.
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