Performing My Blog Live

A few minutes of a set from the stage at Room5 in Hollywood,CA. I know it's impolite to chew gum on stage, but it's prescription gum.

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Headlines We Are Following at Ahead On The Left


Economists Expect Fewer Tramplings On Biggest Shopping Day Of The Year

Mullah Omar Mulls Dancing With The Stars

Amazon To Stop Selling “Cop Killer” Bullets

Congress To NASA: New Ares Rocket Must Get 50 MPG

If You’re Not Sure It’s An Emergency, Detroit Offers 811

Sellers Nervous About Oboe Hero For Wii

No One Stretching For This Year’s Oscar Race

Apathy Crimes Against Whites Up

Rats: Breast Enhancement Testing On Humans Almost Complete

Did Cavemen Count Calories?

Judge: Al Qaeda Tweets Admissible

Republicans Introduce Bill To Rename Acorns



Scrapping attempts to draft their own version of a healthcare reform bill, Republicans have put renaming acorns on the top of their agenda as the party in opposition.


“We are in the process of drafting a sweeping bill that will no longer associate the seed of the mighty pine (sic) tree with the likes of swindlers and homegrown terrorists such as David Ayers” announced Rep. Doc Hastings, ranking Republican on the House Committee on Natural Resources. “This bill will reintroduce the acorn as the Liberty Pod.”

Though chances of the bill reaching the floor are slim, House Minority Leader John Boehner attested to the symbolic importance of the legislation

“We’re representing working families of America who are working hard to put food on the table and who are disgusted that the seed of such a noble tree shares its name with a disgraceful organ of the liberal agenda” said Boehner. “Apparently the ‘A’ word is just fine with Speaker Pelosi who spends so much time in San Francisco and Washington D.C. she doesn’t understand the concerns of people in America.”

When asked about the name change bill Pelosi only laughed, briefly displaying a gesture with her thumb and index finger that resembled the letter “L.”

In 2003 two Republican Congressmen, Bob Ney of Ohio and Walter B. Jones Jr. of North Carolina successfully pushed through action in the House to rename French fries and French toast being served in the congressional cafeterias freedom fries and freedom toast. The menu items has since reverted back to their original names and Ney has since spent 2 ½ years in prison for matters unrelated to the name change (Abramoff, ahem).

Bill Ayers’ ties to the organization ACORN remain unconfirmed.

I Love You, ACORN!

If only ACORN did all the things its Republican detractors said, I would love it even more than I do now. Let me be clear on this; I LOVE ACORN! If ACORN stole the last presidential election, good. For a million reasons, good. I wouldn’t want Medvedev to have to sit through John McCain’s catalog of dirty jokes. Medvedev seems like a guy who would prefer Barack Obama’s blue humor. If ACORN was responsible for making that happen, then more power to them.

A recent poll says that 52% of Republicans believe ACORN stole the presidential election. Sounds ominous, but remember, the 52% of Republicans is merely equal to the 23% of those who still think W was an ok or better president.

This margin of folks is one that is unreachable through any reasoning so I get no satisfaction in figuratively smashing my head against a wall by trying to prove them wrong. It is much more satisfying to indulge them in their paranoid fantasies and watch the steam whistle out of there ears with each new Foxesque distortion or lie about ACORN.

ACORN registers poor minority people to vote. Poor minority people don’t vote for Republicans. Republicans have better chances at winning when groups like ACORN don’t register minority voters So if Republicans can derail ACORN it increases their chances of winning elections, theoretically.

In my research I am finding out for the first time that ACORN was at the center of what is now known as “the U.S. Attorney Firings” (What? No U.S. Attorneygate?). U.S. Attorney David Iglesias of New Mexico was removed when he refused to prosecute ACORN. After a probe that lasted over two months there was one case that merited investigation. Iglesias concluded that this one case was not provable. What suggests that David Iglesias was right? Of the three men who held or currently holds Iglesias’ former post none of them have made any movement on prosecuting ACORN.

Those who began the attempted undoing of ACORN are the same people who sent Joe Wilson (not the “you lie” guy) to investigate a claim that Iraq had bought all kinds of uranium in Niger. Wilson concluded that the claim was false. His findings, in spite of their relevance were ignored. When Wilson publicly defended his reputation and work they went after him by exposing his wife as a U.S. spy. That’s not stark raving lunacy based on what I think George W. Bush & Co may have done. It’s what they DID do. It’s on the record. That being said, I’d much rather have ACORN in my foxhole than that bunch.

David Iglesias had distinguished himself early on in his career. As a JAG officer he had worked on a case that was later an inspiration for a movie. There’s not an American over the age of twelve who has not heard one particular line from the movie which is quite apt; “You can’t handle the truth.”

ACORN is in its fortieth year of service being an advocate of low and moderate income families. There’s bound to be stains on their carpet, but this analogy more accurately sums up ACORN rather than the froth coming from the Right. I used to wait on a Hollywood notable at the restaurant and he always ordered the same thing; a medium rare t-bone steak. So we called him T-bone man (genius). T-bone’s man order arrived at his table overcooked about 50% of the time. Some of the guys on steaks just couldn’t cook them right, but T-bone man never alleged the restaurant had a policy of overcooking steaks. Otherwise he would not have returned. His presumption was that the restaurant’s goal was to serve up a pleasing meal, and they always did, even if it took two tries.

Acorn is like that restaurant; they have a goal of providing the services they list in their mission statement, but sometimes they hire someone who phonies voter registration forms because they’re paid by each voter they register. So basically those people were screwing ACORN. ACORN was not screwing America.

And as for the video which showed two Republican activists posing as criminals looking for business advice from ACORN, they had to travel to several different offices to find ACORN people lame enough to provide the tiny percentage of footage they needed to portray all of ACORN as crooked. Where’s the footage of the offices where they weren’t offered any help? Awesome question.

ACORN is not the Evil Empire Fox News sucklers have been led to believe, but some people find it easier and more gratifying to succumb to hysteria than exercise some human reason. ACORN will go on doing what it does and good for them. I will go on laughing at the angry, red-faced bluster of distortion, but I should temper my joy. Ironically, angry people are happiest when they’re angry.

A Message From "The Enemy"


Dear Americans,
We represent a global interest comprised of various groups who are currently involved in hostilities at varying levels against your country or "The Enemy." We write to inform you that our client has all seen the photo of your president in an awkward bow to the emperor of Japan outside what looks like a Benihana's. Pursuant to the discovery of this photo "The Enemy" has resolved to use this shameful display of weakness in any way it can to its advantage.

Should your president ever attempt to stalemate any constituent entity of our client, sovereign or nonsovereign in the midst of any communication, BOO-YAH! Out comes the picture which "The Enemy" has agreed to keep in its top desk drawer in the event of such an instance. The next time Obama's at the U.N., BAM! Placards on the wall everywhere. As we speak, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is having the image incorporated on his letterhead. In Syria, President Bashar al-Assad used the photo to arouse his wife just this morning. Twice.

"The Enemy" would like to thank Dick Cheney for bringing this photo to its attention. What would have been overlooked as standard discretionary international protocol has been twisted and spun into a trump card. "The Enemy" would ordinarily never have assumed that Dick Cheney would seek the failure of sitting U.S. president except he emailed us this photo and companion video. He then phoned us to make sure we received the email asking "what do you think of that." Mistaking Mr. Cheney's point, we conceded that the photo made Mr. Obama's ass look huge. One partner actually thought it was Mr. Obama's head Photoshopped onto Mike Huckabee's body. An indignant Mr. Cheney then enlightened us with the shame potential of the photo and for that we are grateful.

We cheered Mr. Cheney up by offering him a retainer for his services. We even negotiated a bonus package based on the level of humiliation suffered in the photo. We're talking Halliburton money if he can find one of Mr. Obama being kicked in the balls by a foreign dignitary.

In the meantime, we believe our client has the goods to derail the Obama Administration for the next year. Your president won't be able to negotiate his daughters' allowance, nevermind Iran and Healthcare. This assault will continue until your country's stature is no greater than that of Bhutan or Mali (no offense to Bhutan or Mali). So get used to grain rationing.

Peace,

Partners - Brooks, Tina, Ike, and Dunn



Sheikhing the Foundations of the Legal System



Attorney General Eric Holder announced that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, alleged principal architect of the September 11 Massacre will be tried in New York. Various federal prosecutors in numerous districts were wringing their hands to take on the case against K-Mo. I am happy to see justice done. My only regret is that the case wasn’t given to a Southern district because if there is one thing K-Mo & Co needs, it is to be railroaded and there’s no legal railroadin’ like a Southern legal railroadin’. I know that Southern justice is no longer typified by my favorite Southern courtroom films, “To Kill a Mockingbird” and “My Cousin Vinny” so this may the be the one time I’m nostalgic for the Old South.


I see the defendant being tried in Virginia just miles from the Pentagon in August. Even at 9 am the sweltering humidity makes everyone in the courtroom look disheveled. The prosecutor Richmond Sumpter Confederacy Souther II has already taken the coat of his white suit off. Souther keeps a handkerchief and uses it exclusively as a prop. He takes it out to thoroughly rub the back of his neck when he’s about to ask a defendant the one question he knows will seal their fate. On this morning the handkerchief is out and not as a prop. The back of his neck, all eight inches by eleven inches of it, is “just a terrible damp.”




By the time the formalities of convening are done the handkerchief needs to be rung out so before he begins his cross examination of K-Mo he squeezes it under his standard Southern courtroom issue oak seat. It gives him an idea for his opening words, “My Lawdy, is it mighty hot today, mighty hot. Whhhhhooooooo.”

Then he lifts himself out of his chair, put his suspenders back over his shoulders and walks to the witness stand.

“Well now. Good mornin’ Mr. M’hammed. Let me start by sayin’ I am humbled to be in the presence of a real-life sheikh? Am I sayin’ that right? Sheikh?” (Mohammed nods) “I’m sorry. Mister Littlefiled here is charged with taking down every little thing we say here today, but he ain’t got no nod button on his little dixiehoozit thingy there so I’ll ask if you meant yes when you nodded. You can just say yes. There we go. You got a fine voice. You must be a baritone just like me. If things work out for you I can recommend you for the church choir. Just a thought. Fine, fine, fine. So what kind of sheikh are you? Vanilla? Chocolate? I could go for a nice strawberry shake right now myself (uproarious laughter in the gallery. K-Mo’s attorney would object, but he’s laughing too hard. The judge gavels and orders through guffaws “Order!”). And two hours later K-Mo is strapped to, in, or on a some type of death contraption with no reprieve because no one is going to petition for that stay of execution.

As reassuring as that style of law sounds for this case it couldn’t happen in New York or Virginia or even Mississippi for that matter. It won’t just be K-Mo on trial; the U.S. justice system will be on trial. The entire world will be watching. Then there’s the Republican Party who has been cheerleading for these federal trials to end up in some 2012-type of calamity. The GOP take (though they don’t put it this way) is that no one gets off on a technicality in a military tribunal which is always a risk in federal court. These are the same military tribunals that some liberals compare to certain land mammals of Australia known for hopping and carrying their babies called joeys in a pouch. They have long tails and feed on grass. They are known for their boxing skills and ridiculed for their lack of integrity in the courtroom.

I’m not taking sides against the Right. Remember, my whole fantasy here is to see these guys railroaded too. In a non-scientific way this proves something eerily funny; military tribunals are the new Good Old Boys' courtrooms. Is that why they used to call old Southern judges Colonel?

Yes, Virginia, There Are Black Republicans (?) Part II

Part of the RNC site is its page devoted to heroes of the Republican party. It really stands out on the first page of thumbnails that there was a very high ratio of black Republican heroes. Take a look. I've identified the black heroes with the letter "N "for "Not Your Average Republican."





Frederick Douglass and Jackie Robinson jump out at most of us. They've been the rock stars of Black History Month forever. Old Pinkney Pinchback, Jose Celso, Barbosa, Joseph Rainey, Octavius Catto, and Hiram Revels don't get a lot of mention by comparison, but here they are at the Republican party website. I recommend anyone who is curious to take a look at gop.com. But don't do anything crazy.

Yes, Virginia, There Are Black Republicans (?) Part I

The website for the RNC, http://www.gop.com/ (instead of rnc.com for some reason) has a banner across the top that says "GOP." The "O" in GOP is a portrait of a presumed Republican. When you refresh the page a new face appears. It's a no-brainer for keeping Chip occupied for about fifteen minutes: How many black faces will pop up in this little RNC hustle and what can I discern of them with my expert knowledge of Blackness?



She may very well be a Republican. The likelihood of a black person being a Republican increases the older they are (no offense, ma'am). Older generations of black people backed the GOP because it was the Party of the Great Emancipator. Someone should probably tell them it wasn't a deal with the devil; Just because a Republican freed the slaves 145 years ago doesn't mean you have to vote for a Sarah Palin or even a Mitt Romney today. But who knows. Maybe she's itching for that upper class tax cut.




Like me, Mr. Plaid Shirt voted for a few Republicans in his life if he really liked the candidate or if the Democrat was someone like Joe Lieberman. But that doesn't make him a Republican, really.



Ah, Edward Brooke. This guy actually is a Republican. He was the first black senator elected in the 20th century. Fun fact: He also banged Barbara Walters.



Okay. This is just something you know. Here is a woman who calls her friends "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl." No woman who refers to her friends as "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl" follows it up with a right-wing tear. Example: "Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl. I told you not to vote for Barack Obamas." I say NOT Republican.




She's just married to the guy in the plaid shirt.



Okay. She's not black. I just wanted to comment on how much fun she must be on a date.



Now, this guy believes America is the greatest country in the world. There's not a thing you can't achieve if you put your mind to it. The Market is God's gift to people with a little bit of creativity and who don't mind breaking a sweat. There's no dream like the American Dream. And he needs to borrow five bucks.



Mister Beerlips' Long Child

After adopting a loose interpretation of certain copyright laws Shakespeare Ain't Shit Books, the publishing arm of AOTL Agglomerated announces the publishing of "Misheard Lyrics Gone Wild." AOTL's MLGW picks up on a craze in novelty books and Jeopardy categories whose success has remained steady over the past fourteen plus years. MLGW is a fabricated collection of lyrics that sound a lot like they could be the lyrics to actual pop songs. Here are some examples. See if you can guess what song they are supposed to be.

It's due left to poli sci
I said it's due left

Correct:
It's too late to apologize
I said it's too late
(Timbaland Ft. One Republic)
_______

I'll have to punt
In another day yeah
She's gone tomorrow

Correct:
All that she wants
Is another baby
She's gone tomorrow
(Ace of Bass)
_______

Thai buns who let it say
Hi Bunny, why me

Correct:
I want to get away
I want to fly away
(Lenny Kravitz)
_______

You're a booty call
You're a booty call
You're a booty call it's true

Correct:
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're beautiful it's true
(James Blunt)
_______

I'm gonna blow my brains out
The next time I hear
this song

Correct:
My humps my humps my
Humps my humps my humps
My humps my humps my humps
My humps my humps
(The Black Eyed Peas)
______

Erkel's fame's
Fallen to shame

Correct:
Purple Haze
All in my brain
(Jimi Hendrix)
_______

Gray hair hair hair hair
Gray hair hair
I said gray's
What's goin' on

Correct:
Hey hey hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
I said hey
What's goin' on
(4 Non Blondes)

The ad nauseum airplay of these songs has made them classics so AOTL will keep releasing MLGW every Christmas season until there are no more orders. So give MLGW this year and every year. Make your loved ones wonder silently, "why bother?"

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO… Enron?



The year was 2000. High-fructose corn syrup was oozing its way into more items on the grocery store shelf. The world said goodbye to Larry Linville of “M*A*S*H”. And a Houston-based company called Enron reported revenues of about $100 billion. How did they do that? By making it up. Fake earnings kept the stock price high. Everyone assumed Enron was doing well according to the stock price and Enron never showed its balance sheet. Though that was customary it wasn’t required.

By late 2001 Enron was in bankruptcy. The officers given leniency ratted out the top guys, one of which, Ken Lay died before he was sentenced. Those of us who slept through economics classes found it hard to keep it all straight, but the one part we did understand was that Enron locked its doors and went out of business… OR DID IT?!

Eight years after its humiliating fall from grace the lights are still on at Enron, but under the far sexier name, Enron Creditors Recovery Corp. The new Enron is now in charge of liquidating the “pre-bankruptcy” (their term) Enron to pay off creditors. One thing not available on their website is an inventory of the assets to be sold. I propose that they would move items and pay off their debts quicker by devoting one page to serve as a catalog. Between the industry plants, fixtures, and lost & founds, one may speculate a page to look something like this:

ALL ITEMS, BEST OFFER

437 urinals

1 Mumbai Partially-Built Proton Collider

1 Sexy Devil coffee mug

8487 Swingline staplers – various models

578 fake ficus plants

10,000 spent plutonium rods

1 portrait creepy looking family all of whose members appear to be around the same age

160 boxes Christmas decorations plus one electric menorah.

1 Paper and Pulp Works of Waco

33 cases assorted opened booze

2 large first aid kits with CPR and birthing diagrams

Assorted collection 2002 calendars

Whatever the list of goods looks like, why is it taking so long to sell everything off? Hmm. A gander at the goings on down at the Enron website http://www.enron.com/ shows that earlier this year Enron won over a billion dollars from Citibank, one of its creditors in a court approved settlement. How does that work? Enron owes Citibank money and Citibank ends up paying Enron over a billion dollars. I don’t know if paying attention in economics would have helped me understand this arrangement any better, but one thing’s for sure; Enron’s still got it!

Dressing Makes Me Think of Blue Cheese



As my annual countdown to the Razzie Awards continues, it's not the announcements of the "winners" I'm looking forward to as much as the charge of adrenaline I'll get when intentionally doing something really embarrassing in front of a live audience.
Award show producer JB Wilson specializes in finding ways to maintain his cast's reputation for doing weird stuff. This excerpt from a Razzie review by Craig Miller demonstrates just where audience expectations are.

But the highlight of the evening, bringing the audience to its feet, was when John Wilson, founder of the Razzies and a member of the award show cast, announced that the award for Worst Actress (Halle Berry, in Catwoman) was being accepted by Halle Berry.
He pointed offstage, into the wings, and the audience didn't know what to expect. The writer is one thing but...



There was a pause and we were kind of expecting one of the show cast -- probably Chip Dornell, the Black male cast member -- to come on stage in a wig and costume to do some kind of parody.


But, holy crap, it really was Halle Berry.

Thanks. I guess. But by reading this review one would think I was a regular Milton Berle dragging it up in women's clothing every year at the Razzies. Not true. I did that once and it was two or three years AFTER the above review was written. The question now is will it be the last time. Following the last show JB told me if he could find a way to put me in a dress in an opening number for next year's show he'll do it. I'm pretty sure he said it only out of the sleep deprivation from which he was suffering from getting the show together. He probably said the same thing to Dan and Glenn.

AOTL Political Theatre

Our goal at AOTL has not been clearly defined yet, but when that all gets sorted out we're confident that the following video will still be somehow be appropriate. "Reaching Across the Aisle: Healthcare Edition" is the twelfth installment of the creative team CHIPZOK whose collection of works on Funnyordie.com rate highest among videos with 500 or less views. They pride themselves on being always uncompromising and always uncommercial.

To see their rest of their videos please visit:

http://www.funnyordie.com/chipzok

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